Top 11 Tips: Become An Awesome Winter Driver

That's right. Look no further for the savviest tips and advice that can turn you from an average driver in the snow, to an awesome winter driver.

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• 1. Be certain to never brush the 2 feet of snow accumulated on your car's roof and trunk before leaving your current location. The surrounding drivers on the highway/freeway will be ever-thankful that you let the snow remain so it can blind their vision in a mini-snow squall. You get bonus points if actual, physical chunks of ice and snow fly off your roof into the windshield of the driver behind you, crippling the function of their windshield wipers AND preventing them from seeing you slam on your brakes. 

• 2. Make sure that you have dark, dark, dark tinted windows. Not only does this allow you the pleasure and comfort of picking your own nose without being seen by fellow commuters and pedestrians alike, it is illegal, AND it also allows the driver behind you to see a black wall. So when you are distracted (by picking your nose and admiring your treasure find, or texting in your lap while pretending not to text [also illegal]) and you fail to see the brake lights in front of you, the person behind you will also not be able to see and avert disaster by seeing the brake lights through your glass if you are being an ass and not paying attention.

• 3. If your car is running on horrid black death fumes, be sure to avoid that DriveClean screening, and make sure you are stuck in front of me during stop and go traffic. There's nothing like the smell of diesel-acrid-smoke exhaust coming in the ole dashboard to really soothe my nausea. The earth also says thank you.

• 4. Brake late. Very, very late.

• 5.  If you are in stop and go traffic on the highway, be sure to hit your brakes incessantly/needlessly. Don't bother to just leave a bit of room between you and the car in front of you. Just ride their ass and accelerate like hell (in stop and go traffic) because, clearly, things have miraculously cleared up and now is your chance to burn some rubber. Don't hang back and try to keep a steady pace without the use of your brakes. The domino-brake-effect will make the drivers behind you much, much happier.

• 6.  Change lanes aggressively across snow-tracked lanes. Be sure to fishtail grandiosely. Saving those 3 seconds and/or two car lengths in the stop and go traffic mean the world to you. The rest of us on the road understand. Go forth, and lane change.

Yeah, just like that....     Image Credit

• 7.  If you want in the lane beside you, troll the line and nearly hit the car beside you. Since it is stop and go, and there is no where for them to go, this will surely give them the hint. It won't scare them, certainly, and will be much more effective than using your car's signals. Good on ya.

• 8.  If some fool hearty moron is leaving some room between them and the car in front, and not hammering their brakes incessantly, be sure that you help close that gap by referring to #6, and #5. They will thank you later, if not immediately.

• 9.  Be sure to flick any and all cigarettes, cigarette butts and garbage out your window once traffic has increased speed enough to send said contents into the open window of the car behind you. Why was their window open? To bring some fresh air in from tip #3.

• 10.  Be sure to never let anyone change lanes/enter your lane if their lane obviously ends soon, or let anyone over if there is an exit ramp nearby. This point is emphasized if you are aware that they have out-of-province license plates and are clearly not familiar with the roadways. 

• 11.  Finally, above all else, ignore 1 through 10, asshat.

Image Credit - Funny blog, too!

Yes, I know bullet points and numbering is redundant, but you can't double space with numbering alone. Also, did you know Blogger doesn't recognize the term "texting"?

Oh, and me? Most definitely:

Image Credit, but all right reserved by/owned by the Comedy Network, The Daily Show

That is all.


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