Monday, December 13, 2010

Top 11 Tips: Become An Awesome Winter Driver

That's right. Look no further for the savviest tips and advice that can turn you from an average driver in the snow, to an awesome winter driver.

Image Credit

  • 1. Be certain to never brush the 2 feet of snow accumulated on your car's roof and trunk before leaving your current location. The surrounding drivers on the highway/freeway will be ever-thankful that you let the snow remain so it can blind their vision in a mini-snow squall. You get bonus points if actual, physical chunks of ice and snow fly off your roof into the windshield of the driver behind you, crippling the function of their windshield wipers AND preventing them from seeing you slam on your brakes. 

  • 2. Make sure that you have dark, dark, dark tinted windows. Not only does this allow you the pleasure and comfort of picking your own nose without being seen by fellow commuters and pedestrians alike, it is illegal, AND it also allows the driver behind you to see a black wall. So when you are distracted (by picking your nose and admiring your treasure find, or texting in your lap while pretending not to text [also illegal]) and you fail to see the brake lights in front of you, the person behind you will also not be able to see and avert disaster by seeing the brake lights through your glass if you are being an ass and not paying attention.

  • 3. If your car is running on horrid black death fumes, be sure to avoid that DriveClean screening, and make sure you are stuck in front of me during stop and go traffic. There's nothing like the smell of diesel-acrid-smoke exhaust coming in the ole dashboard to really soothe my nausea. The earth also says thank you.

  • 4. Brake late. Very, very late.

  • 5.  If you are in stop and go traffic on the highway, be sure to hit your brakes incessantly/needlessly. Don't bother to just leave a bit of room between you and the car in front of you. Just ride their ass and accelerate like hell (in stop and go traffic) because, clearly, things have miraculously cleared up and now is your chance to burn some rubber. Don't hang back and try to keep a steady pace without the use of your brakes. The domino-brake-effect will make the drivers behind you much, much happier.

  • 6.  Change lanes aggressively across snow-tracked lanes. Be sure to fishtail grandiosely. Saving those 3 seconds and/or two car lengths in the stop and go traffic mean the world to you. The rest of us on the road understand. Go forth, and lane change.

Yeah, just like that....     Image Credit

  • 7.  If you want in the lane beside you, troll the line and nearly hit the car beside you. Since it is stop and go, and there is no where for them to go, this will surely give them the hint. It won't scare them, certainly, and will be much more effective than using your car's signals. Good on ya.

  • 8.  If some fool hearty moron is leaving some room between them and the car in front, and not hammering their brakes incessantly, be sure that you help close that gap by referring to #6, and #5. They will thank you later, if not immediately.

  • 9.  Be sure to flick any and all cigarettes, cigarette butts and garbage out your window once traffic has increased speed enough to send said contents into the open window of the car behind you. Why was their window open? To bring some fresh air in from tip #3.

  • 10.  Be sure to never let anyone change lanes/enter your lane if their lane obviously ends soon, or let anyone over if there is an exit ramp nearby. This point is emphasized if you are aware that they have out-of-province license plates and are clearly not familiar with the roadways. 

  • 11.  Finally, above all else, ignore 1 through 10, asshat.
Image Credit - Funny blog, too!

Yes, I know bullet points and numbering is redundant, but you can't double space with numbering alone. Also, did you know Blogger doesn't recognize the term "texting"?

Oh, and me? Most definitely:

Image Credit, but all right reserved by/owned by the Comedy Network, The Daily Show

That is all.

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  1. We had a very bad snow weekend and even though the snow stopped falling Sunday morning, today was the first "work" day since the snow and rush hour this morning was TERRIBLE. All the offenses and offenders you listed above were out in full force. Bastards.


  2. What about driving well below the speed limit, to force the drivers behind you to drive at an 'extra safe' speed, and then just get through the intersection at the end of a yellow to let them sit at the red light and think about what an awesome, safe driver you are.

  3. I have only had to drive in snow like twice in my whole life.. I live in texas, it doesn't snow much here!

  4. #1 is one of my all time biggest winter time driving pet peeves. i get road-ragey anyway, but when someone else's snow chunks smash into my windshield. omg. high blood pressure alert!

  5. I just wish everyone would get out of my way! My car loves driving in the snow, and loves it when I let her rip in the snow!

    People should drive in the right lane (which is the law anyway) and let other cars go by. If you are too timid, or stupid enough to drive without winter tires then stay home or take the bus.

  6. LOL your tips are both hilarious and sad because they are true. if only more ppl would follow the rule "don't be an asshole," winter driving would be a lot more pleasant! oye. : )

  7. Good list, but you forgot one.

    The BEST time to pass two cars is on a blind hill in the middle of a snowquall.

  8. I am laughing! Does it make me an asshole that I only fishtail when I'm on my street close to my house?!!!! haha

  9. And again I give thanks for living where there is no snow. Although that doesn't stop idiot drivers

  10. I like all of these. I have to agree with V-Tom though. If there is clear pavement out there and you are driving 30 miles an hour, you should have stayed home. Obviously your not comfortable enough to be out there and you're going to create problems for other people.

  11. Haha, awesome! This should be sent to everyone that has a driver's license.

  12. *Simple Dude - they are ALWAYS out there. Too many!

    *BF - oh the rage... how it bubbles inside...

    *AmberLaShell - two thumbs up for snowlessness!

    *jess - maybe josh will reply to you and you can fixate on that while winter road-raging?

    *V-Tom - fair enough, if it isn't stop and go, since there is no where to let 'er rip. Also, I am dumb and don't have winter tires. And I have a teeny car that weighs more than my keychain. And HELL YES to the right lane, people!

    *carmar76 - i love anyone who thinks anything I say is hilarious. Love you carmar!

    *Yandie, Goddess of Pickles - isn't that the ONLY acceptable time to pass?

    *Sandra - well, if it does, it's you and me both, because I always do turning right down my street. ALL.THE.TIME!

    *Mynx - second yay for snowlessness! But BOOO to crap drivers around the world.

    *George Wells - it's true. And get the right tires. I still haven't done that and I need to.

    *Jumble Mash - oh, that would be sooo sweet. But the government would accidentally cut off tip #11 and then we'd all be screwed!

  13. Stephanie, I try and stay off the 400 series highways as much as is practical. The Canadian Mentality is to block all the lanes on the highway instead of staying in the right lane (most of the time I'm the only one in the right lane of three. (Why can't people drive in the right lane???) Canadians get bent out of shape if anyone is getting ahead of them (this is not just for driving but for lineups, financially, etc.) As a result the highway is very dangerous with everyone being clumped together instead of spread out. It doesn't help that the only thing the police talk about is speed, while the real issue is people driving too close to each other, braking too late, etc.

    I'll get off my soap box (for a minute!)

  14. I drive courteously in the snow, because I don't want someone smacking my pretty car. I'm sure my car needlessly pisses off the other Ohio drivers since I still have Florida tags. It just screams "look out, he's going to do something stupid!"

  15. *V-Tom - it's true, if someone passes me, then I have lost the race. JK. Although, sometimes I do stay in the left lane if there are only two lanes if I know I will be passing everyone on the right regularly. It seems safer to me to stay in the left lane (as long as there isn't anyone coming up behind me) instead of constantly passing and changing lanes. But I know we are supposed to.

    *Elliot - welcome to the blog! I'd say the Florida tags would give you a free pass if, perhaps, you were to do something foolish. I'd milk that for all it's worth! lol. Thanks for commenting.

  16. Stephanie: It's not so bad if you are passing everyone, but I find that a line of cars goes to the left lane automatically when there is snow on the road. I assume they WANT to have a head-on crash and take someone else with them so I just pass them on the right and get out of there. Unfortunately there often is someone on the right driving properly and between the left and the right they form a moving road block. That leads to the big lineup of cars and when someone goofs up then there is a multi-car crash (since almost everyone is tailgating.)


  17. #1 is so dead on...especially since im guilty of this all the time!


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