Quick, irrelevant post

Does anyone want to hear about the last half of the trip across Canada?

I don't want to be a spoiler, but we MIGHT have made it back here alive. It's hard to know, though.

I should be writing funny things and being consistent and stuff, but I have been too busy drooling over shoes I will never, ever, ever own... and laughing at dogs who have been shamed.

See? Irrelevant and random.

Exhibit A:

Aaaaah mah gaaaaaaahd. This photo doesn't do them justice. Jimmy Choo, I love you.

These shoes made me wet my pants a little. I saw them, in person, in my size, in Vancouver. I had to resist like hell to not try them on. I knew it would result in me having a 4-year-old-esque temper tantrum in the middle of Holt Renfrew, stomping my feet (carefully, mind you, in these babies), and crying and whining until my mother-in-law could convince my husband over the phone that these would be a sound purchase at $2,195.

Meeeeeeep:

Jimmy Choo's Kani heels from the back. GOOOOOORgeous.

Now, before you think I've gone all Fashion Blog on you (hahaha, okay, we all know that's just silly, you have SEEN me before, right?), please note that I WISH I would be paid to pimp this shizz out. In my DREAMS. I've been searching online trying to find a knock off pair of Kani's. No luck so far. C'mon eBay sellers, make a girl's day, wouldja?

These shoes are one of 12 pairs available in Canada. They were runway. They are at Holt Renfrew, and I would cut a bitch for these babies.

Finally, if you haven't seen the best website ever in my sidebar over there ---->, you need to go to Dog-shaming.com.

Exhibit B, a sampling:

Oh. Hai. Lovez my head wrinkles. Ok. IMAGE FROM dog-shaming.com

Yeah, that's right. Dogs looking guilty as hell, or cocky as hell, after destroying and/or eating something. It is hilarious. I check it every single day, and I always laugh. It makes our crazy dogs seem so much better behaved. (SEEM... seem).

That's it for today. If you find those shoes as a knock-off, let me know!!!

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Christmas Insights

I've been thinking a lot lately. A lot. My feeble brain is starting to get overloaded, and annihilating an entire jar of Nutella doesn't seem to be helping. Nor the entire bag of spicy nacho cheese Doritos. (Although I did gain fabulously enticing cheese/onion/garlic breath from the experience, so I can't say it is a total loss).


I have realized that I fucking really hate Christmas shopping with a passion. I hate trying to figure out what to buy people. My family Most people fall into two distinct categories: "Oh, don't buy anything for me, I don't need anything" or "I have everything conceivable and don't need any more shit". There is the odd, rarely spotted third category of "I just don't know what I would like".

In my completely selfish fashion, you know what I wish for, for Christmas? I wish that people would just pick a goddamn charity that I could donate to in their name. We have SO MUCH STUFF. We could probably all go out and buy what we want whenever we want (it's just a matter of how you rationalize it to yourself, admit it). In fact, my dad does this all the time pre-Christmas. He buys stuff before we can.

You know what? I get to do the donating biznazz online. No malls. No angry mobs. No road-ragey parking spot wars.

But in all seriousness, religious or not, if you celebrate the general concept of Christmas, isn't it all about love, sharing, giving? Do you realize that you could donate to thousands of charities out there? Or lend money to someone who wouldn't otherwise have access to funds, if you'd prefer that, like on Kiva?

BF and I started the donation thing a few years ago, and I have found that it is the only part of Christmas that makes me feel good. We buy toys for the toy drive, big bucks go to charity.

If you are struggling to make ends meet, different story. If you have kids and that Santa dude is dropping by and things have been hard this year, different story. But if you have the disposable income, please consider helping out someone else, anyone else. The Red Cross, an animal shelter, a children's organization, a hospital.

Some American ideas here

Some Canadian ideas here

Who? Me? Why, I do declare!

I have realized that part of my Christmas angst is people's selfishness. So I want to be lazy and get the easy way out with charities. See how grinchy loving and selfish selfless I am?

Needless to say, I haven't started my Christmas shopping yet.

[EDIT: Please don't unfollow me... I love you. lol. Back to fun(nier) tomorrow maybe?]

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Embarrassing Realizations (Part 1 of ∞ )

In no logical order:


I went bra shopping the other day. I found out that I am neither a B, C or A cup. Go figure. There are no half sizes, so I am kind of fucked pooched on that one. Also - nipples are ugly, weird creatures. Ladies, don't even TRY to deny that one.

Or lack thereof, or knowledge of the correct size...

Trying to find a smart word to use and failing miserably makes you sound like a stupid douchebag; simply use simple sentences when you are fatigued and not-at-all articulate. (Yes, I just used 'douchebag' and 'articulate' in the same sentence - that takes talent, my friends). Though I may have misused the semi-colon, despite The Oatmeal's teachings... oh well, I'll use the hell out of the beloved ellipsis to make up for it.


Farting Passing gas with an mp3 player on and headphones in your head is still audible farting to the people around you. Seriously. You need to accept that and remember that. The same goes for being on the phone at the office and lifting a cheek. Sure, the person on the other end may not be aware, but your co-workers sure as hell are!

I realize that I panic when I get close to a drive-thru window and have, more than once, hit the wrong button to put the window down because I get all flustered when I have to place an order. Even for a coffee.
I'd like to blame this on my old Impala that my Dad helped re-configure (the driver's side window button fried out, so he finagled a way to switch the 4-pad window controls to allow me to control the windows on a diagonal, and backwards). But in truth, I just get all antsy and push buttons randomly. Awesome.



That having a coupon and inviting your mom and sister to shop at a store in your hometown is not enough reason for them to want to spend some time shopping with you if you live 28 minutes from their alternate store/destination. They will find a coupon elsewhere, and shop together without you. You will shop alone. And you won't find a bra that fits. And, see paragraph below.

(p.s. THANKS A BUNCH G.D. for the COUPON!!! MWUAH!! You are a doll!).

That trying to save money by trying on all of the cute tight fitting clearance dresses will end up costing you more than you bargained for when you realize the next day that your belly ring (purchased at a real, actual jewelry store, despite BF's stern, but short-lived, objections) busted off and is likely stuck on the inside of one of said dresses, somewhere in the store. Alternately, it may have been swept up in the change room and thrown in the trash. Way to save.

See? At least I learned about clearance stuff since my last post... no wait...

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44 Baboons, Bitches!

First off, I was tagged and given some blog love from AmberLaShell Rants, and wanted to say thanks and give a shout back! Thanks Amber ;-)

So here is some randomness for lack of anything better inside my brain.

I saw this quiz over at Shatty Blaaagh (created by Oatmeal) and had to take it.

Just so you are aware:


Created by Oatmeal

Also:


Created by Oatmeal

I have to admit, I feel a little sorry for that lonely tapeworm, but he's gotta be one big mother-effer by now.

And that's all she wrote (for now)

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Randomness With Purpose

This is simply to bump down my last post so I don't have to look at that SOB's face....

Ever wonder why dogs eat their poop? But turn their nose up to certain dog foods? Seriously. What THE HELL must be in that dog kibble?

May or may not occasionally sample his own stool

Just sayin'. Pin It Now!