Quick, irrelevant post

Does anyone want to hear about the last half of the trip across Canada?

I don't want to be a spoiler, but we MIGHT have made it back here alive. It's hard to know, though.

I should be writing funny things and being consistent and stuff, but I have been too busy drooling over shoes I will never, ever, ever own... and laughing at dogs who have been shamed.

See? Irrelevant and random.

Exhibit A:

Aaaaah mah gaaaaaaahd. This photo doesn't do them justice. Jimmy Choo, I love you.

These shoes made me wet my pants a little. I saw them, in person, in my size, in Vancouver. I had to resist like hell to not try them on. I knew it would result in me having a 4-year-old-esque temper tantrum in the middle of Holt Renfrew, stomping my feet (carefully, mind you, in these babies), and crying and whining until my mother-in-law could convince my husband over the phone that these would be a sound purchase at $2,195.

Meeeeeeep:

Jimmy Choo's Kani heels from the back. GOOOOOORgeous.

Now, before you think I've gone all Fashion Blog on you (hahaha, okay, we all know that's just silly, you have SEEN me before, right?), please note that I WISH I would be paid to pimp this shizz out. In my DREAMS. I've been searching online trying to find a knock off pair of Kani's. No luck so far. C'mon eBay sellers, make a girl's day, wouldja?

These shoes are one of 12 pairs available in Canada. They were runway. They are at Holt Renfrew, and I would cut a bitch for these babies.

Finally, if you haven't seen the best website ever in my sidebar over there ---->, you need to go to Dog-shaming.com.

Exhibit B, a sampling:

Oh. Hai. Lovez my head wrinkles. Ok. IMAGE FROM dog-shaming.com

Yeah, that's right. Dogs looking guilty as hell, or cocky as hell, after destroying and/or eating something. It is hilarious. I check it every single day, and I always laugh. It makes our crazy dogs seem so much better behaved. (SEEM... seem).

That's it for today. If you find those shoes as a knock-off, let me know!!!

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"Roast Drippings" = Turkey Bath Water

I just saw a commercial for Turkey gravy additive.

All you do is use the Club House mix and "add in roast drippings".

BLECH.

All the fat and hunks of fatty flesh just plop out of the turkey pan into the gravy boat.

All I can imagine is the dirty bath water after the turkey's been in there for a while. It's leg hairs from shaving. The remnants of it's bath fizz. A few errant feathers (you know how they always clog up the drain).

A vegetarian mind works so much differently than a "normal" brain.

Roast drippings is just a nice way to say "grossness left in the pan.... possibly fecal matter. EAT UP!"



Having said that, I'm off to drink a Dr. Pepper for breakfast, and think about possibly eating real food. But food that doesn't contain roast drippings, just so we're clear.

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*Blogger Intimidation

No, I don't actually mean the host of our little corners of the interwebs.

I mean other Bloggers.


I have been expanding my reading list and finding new bloggers (somewhat randomly) and I am realizing that the more hilarity I read from other people, the more idea-less/writer's block-full I seem to be.

Sometimes a good idea will hit me while I am on the toilet, or in the car,  and  or just about to fall asleep, and I make a fleeting, useless mental note to start a draft when I am back at the computer.

That never happens, so instead, you get photos of my junk drawer. Literary genius, I say!

Then I read other people's blogs and see how funny they are and feel like I might as well roll up shop, draw the metal bars across the windows, pack my stuff up and go do something productive OFFLINE. *GASP*

Source: SomeECards

I've been "getting around" to vacuuming upstairs since... uh... forever ago. Not doing so well there.
Gaining weight? Actually doing well, thankyouverymuch.

Anyway, I'd really appreciate it if you other bloggers stopped being so damn funny/engaging/witty/quick/crazy. It would make it A LOT easier on me.

Or ALOT easier (thanks Allie Brosh):

The above is the work of Allie Brosh from her awesome blog Hyperbole And A Half.

Off to go try to be creative...

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Copycat Post

Hi Y'all!

I was snooping around Jumble Mash's (Mashes?) Blog and saw this post and thought I would be a shit and copy cat (with a shout out with love). Jumble seems to have also shouted to Leigh at her corner of the interwebs.

So, without further ado, a list post:

{1.} do you collect anything? if so, what and how long have you been collecting?

 I used to collect anything Scooby Doo, but once BF and I started living in sin, he quickly made it apparent that he was not a fan of bedding/oversized stuffed animals/figurines/tacky shit with Scooby Doo on it.

 I collected from about 1995 to 2007.

I bet the culprit was Old Man Withers BF, who lives down by the "haunted" mansion!

{2.} what is one cleaning tip that you swear by?

Is this question a joke? Do you know I did dishes last night that had been there since THANKSGIVING, i.shit.you.not. They weren't really dirty, but I hate cleaning. BF would probably say my tip to swear by is "leave it long enough and someone else will be so repulsed they will clean it instead". So... yeah.

{3.} who would you call for bail money?

My beloved sugar daddy  uh fine piece of ass I mean BF, of course. If he was away, then THE MOTHER would bail my ass out, stat.

{4.} what is one thing you miss about being a kid?

Not feeling ashamed of who I am. Nope... wait, I felt that then, too. Ummm. how about, playing Barbies? Slutty Barbies. 

Or seeing your parents in super-duper-awesome health and knowing they know EVERYTHING in the world and can fix ANY problem. 

Hi there, seven year olds should play with me.

{5.} name a few of your guilty pleasures.

Gorging on mini-chocolate bars   free online porn   singing Rock Band 2 until the wee hours of the morning   checking my blog stats obsessively (Why?? Dunno.)   sleeping in until noon on Saturdays   drinking an entire bottle of red on a Friday night, alone at times   I can't think of a good answer to this one, I really don't have any guilty pleasures. Sorry.

What? No, I didn't make these a few months ago on the Rock Band take-a-photo-of-your-character online tool. No, I wouldn't do that.... *shifts awkwardly from foot to foot*

{6.} how early do you start your holiday shopping?

Well, before you all hate me and leave me, be warned I have a very bah-humbug-esque post that I have been mentally drafting. That being said, I leave things late, my father always buys himself what he wants beforehand, my niece and nephew get awesome shit I can't justify buying for them (from the grandparents) and I HATE crowded malls. More specifically, mall parking lots. So... very late. And often online.

{7.} what is a family tradition that you would like to pass on to your significant other/children?

Giving the family dog his or her new bone/stuffed animal on Christmas morning, so they are a part of the festivities. Beyond that, sadly I don't know. 

Christmas morning, 2008, with Scooby Doo

{8.} what do you consider your greatest achievement?

As I commented on Jumble's blog...I have no good answer for this one. I feel like I have yet to achieve great things, which saddens me, as I have no plan in place. Actually you know what? Forget that! I CHANGED MY MIND! I was a fantastic mom to my fur-baby, Scooby Doo (a real, live dog), for 13.5 years. She was my world and I loved her with every inch of my being, so I would say - being Scooby and Mr. Grey's mom. They are gone now, and I miss them.

{9.} what do you do to pamper yourself?

Pamper? Hot Epsom salt bath with a frivolous magazine (that actually usually pisses me off because of the fluffy, bullshit content, but... that never seems to stop me). Other than that, I suppose pay too much to get my "hair did" at the salon, but I have long hair, so not much choice.

{10.} if you were to start your own restaurant, what would it be called?

Miserable-Tasteless-Probably-Burnt-Depressing-Gluten-Free-Vegan-No-Nuts/Coconuts/Soy Restaurant. It'd be a hit with the University vegan crowd, and maybe the Emo [EDIT: hipster] crowd. I would serve rice pasta with bland tomato sauce, organic brown rice cakes with organic hummus, and provide an apology letter for the quality and taste with every receipt.

How about you guys? Do the list and post your link in the comments. Also, feel free to tell me how awesome my theft post was. Thanks. *emphasizes sarcasm*

Outtake: Schultz wanted some massive Scooby stuffing action.

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Reasons To Feel Awesome

I have been feeling totally and utterly not creative, have had some low page hits, and think I have horrified many actual adult friends I have through Facebook with my last few posts...


Reasons to feel awesome:

• BF abso-frikken-lutely made my day Saturday when he looked me over before we left the house and he said "you are SO skinny" and smiled. Then we took (clothed) photos to document it because I told him I'll be back to overweight soon enough so I'd better get photographic evidence. Thank you skinny jeans and ill health.

 

• Being able to wear skinny jeans at any time of the month and pull it off.
• When you get new blog followers, comments, and a high page view count when you are having a rotten day. Hoping you made at least a few other people chuckle, either at you or with you, whatever.
• Having the once in a lifetime chance to see Eastern Africa, mountain gorillas, and make eye contact not once, but twice, with the silver back gorilla.

Real, live, wild silver back in the Virunga Mountains in Rwanda (in Parc de Volcanes)

• When you are having a piss-poor year, few months, months, weeks, week, day, seventeen months and are too sick to go into work, and you come out of the bedroom to discover a beautiful necklace charm secretly and sweetly purchased by BF and given by surprise for no particular reason.
• Feeling loved.
• Going for a Harbour Boat Cruise, and successfully photobombing at least 4 separate groups of tourists' photos (after barfing, then galloping around with my fingers to my nose, simulating a rhinoceros because I wanted the stuffed animal version in the nearby shop, much to BF's chagrin). 

The vicious humanceros, rarely spotted by the Toronto Harbourfront. Beware!!

Um, so, yeah in Kenyan Walking Zoos, they don't care much for "waivers", "safety", "fencing", or "keep a safe distance from the huge mothereffing rhino". The Zookeeper INVITED us over the fence. For reals.

See why I love Africa? That is BF with the heart over his face. P.S. - Notice the gut (this photo was from over a year ago) mine, not his, he doesn't have one. Nor the rhino. I so wanted to hop on and shout "GIDDY UP!"

• When your dog's tail wags and wags and bangs the walls, and he runs around all excited because you finally came home (after 5 hours), even though he prefers BF's company.

 Some reasons to feel slightly-less-than-awesome:

• When your only sibling doesn't invite you to your mother's birthday dinner with the combination of the following excuses: "never even thought about it", "it was decided the night before and was therefore last minute" (she lives 35 minutes away) and "I assumed she had plans". I will be sure to give her my home phone, cell phone and email address for future birthdays. And perhaps remind her that she has a sister.
• When your work tells you if you aren't back working full time by December, that they will be finding your replacement and firing you when they legally can. 
• When you look in the mirror and your hair looks like mine does.
• Realizing you place way too much emphasis on weight and/or appearance.
• When you have a case of crippling diarrhea. 

That is all for now. I swear I am working on better stuff.
Okay, not really, this is it.

_____________________________

seriously really seriously blog

http://seriouslyreallyseriously.blogspot.com/

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44 Baboons, Bitches!

First off, I was tagged and given some blog love from AmberLaShell Rants, and wanted to say thanks and give a shout back! Thanks Amber ;-)

So here is some randomness for lack of anything better inside my brain.

I saw this quiz over at Shatty Blaaagh (created by Oatmeal) and had to take it.

Just so you are aware:


Created by Oatmeal

Also:


Created by Oatmeal

I have to admit, I feel a little sorry for that lonely tapeworm, but he's gotta be one big mother-effer by now.

And that's all she wrote (for now)

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The Uber-Creative "My First Post" Post

So... as I embark on my blogging journey there is this overwhelming feeling and need to be witty. Different. Captivating. And super good looking. Okay, wait, nope, that's my boyfriend's (BF) job, not mine.

I thought that perhaps blogging could be an outlet for all the weird shit that runs through my mind on any given day... maybe ramble online and spare BF and THE MOTHER the painful conversations that are mostly one sided (me talking) because I'd post it all here and have other lurkers who will admit to thinking the same random, weird thoughts I do.

But that might be aiming too high. And who wants that? I say, aim low and you won't be disappointed. As badly. Oh shit, wait, that's Get Low.

There are so many options... I won't have the deep meaningful insight to serious challenges like my friend Rob over at Auditory Illusions. I won't be nearly as funny or ADHD as Allie Brosh over at Hyperbole And A Half (plus that girl's got MAD MS Paint skills that cannot be compared).

But maybe I can just write about crazy stuff, stupid things, inane ridiculous daily events that piss me off and make me honestly say out loud, "seriously?? really? seriously?".... 'cause Imma freak like that.

And if it doesn't work out? Abandon ship. Aim low.

Or if THAT fails, you could just get low low low low low low low low.

The way I see it, either way I will make THE MOTHER proud, as always.

See? THE MOTHER would be proud of this photo being published to the interwebs. I wonder how she handles all that welling-uppedness of pride?

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