Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Hoarders - The Beginning

First off - Hello to all the new followers and visitors to the blog! Let me wow you with some mundane shit  crazy-talk  ridiculousness  stuff.

So, Feyoncé wanted to do some purging and cleaning and sorting.

Apparently this is "all the rage" during "spring time". And yes, I have put spring in quotes, because this mother-effing snow won't piss off, so it's a pretty questionable spring time if you ask me.

Anyway, I immediately became defensive and wanted to save every extra toaster, bread bag plastic tie and odd-shaped glass container that I own... you know... just IN CASE.

In case of a large influx of 50 loaves of bread that show up without closure tags    in case of really impatient company and not enough bread slots, resulting in exceptional delays of toast delivery    because plastic is the devil and I am one crazy bitch.

You know, just in case we need it some time. It's so much easier if it is already around, as opposed to having to go out and buy new stuff.

So then I took a look around, and realized that some stuff was piling up ridiculously. The stuff you see all of the time, but your mind sort of cancels out the ugliness/ghetto-fabulousness/clutter/dirt/fur pile-up, just because it's always there. Like the great dane drool all across the walls.

I present to you Exhibit A of how I am becoming a Hoarder. The famed "junk drawer":

Prepared to tie bread, open wine, cut a bitch with a utility knife, and plug a sink with a warped drain stop.

I had every single bread bag tie that has ever entered this house since 2007. I Why? I have no idea, because I also had every single elastic band that has ever made its way through the door. And twist ties, too, for good measure.

I tried to throw a bunch of shit out, and made some progress. I cleaned off some cupboards and re-organized (though, admittedly, didn't actually get RID of too much stuff).

Seriously, who gives a shit about my junk drawer? Really?

Oh well, at least ONE SINGLE FREAKIN' DRAWER has been cleaned. And Feyoncé did a drool wipe-down.

Does that count as spring cleaning? I say yes!


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  1. Well, that's pretty cool junk. :D

    And I AM fifteen, but since I'm not uploading child pornography, the laws remain intact.


  2. Nothing like some spring cleaning.

  3. I call my junk drawer "Kitchen Shit".

    I'm also deathly afraid of becoming a hoarder, because my room is so cluttered all the time. But I think it's mostly because it's so small. That's my story. And I'm sticking to it.

  4. @Lemons Don't Make Lemonade - Holy shitballs you are mature well beyond your years. ?!?!

    @OT - I aim high. Junk drawers... and... that's it.

    @Kat - I like your story... and your drawer's name.

  5. Every house should have a junk drawer. It's not really a house without one.

  6. LOL this post was mighty appropriate - i was just thinking i need an organizational guru to help me clean up my house, which looks like an early version of hoarders right now w/ all the books what not that needs to make its way to the library!

  7. I attempted to clean out my lingerie stash recently.

    My girlfriend (that's female friend, not the other kind) (I have to specifiy cuz people would wonder with me) was so afraid, she had to actually bring her hip flask and a little bit of pot.

    Good plan, as it turned out.

    I'm thinking of inviting her back to tackle the "fun closet"...


    - B x

  8. Feyoncé? lmao. I am storing that one in my mental rolodex.

    I'm not one for ego stroking, but I think it's safe to assume that hoarders won't be knocking on your drawer anytime soon. And at least now if someone breaks into your house they won't be able to tie you and your hot dog buns up. Or hem anything...

  9. i keep lots of dumb shit. but i can't list it all right now. my biggest problems are clothes and porn. i'm always convinced i MIGHT, just MIGHT be that size again one day, so i should keep the clothes in case i need them again. awesome husband is trying to break me of that habit (and politely ignores the bag of bras that i refuse to throw out because i MIGHT fit in them again one day.)

    the porn, well, who throws out porn? what if the garbage men see it? they'll think my husband is obsessed with lesbians, when in reality i just love girl-on-girl action. even though i know i can't watch jenna jameson get it on anymore (because, you know, she's a mom now. and skinny enough to scare me) i can't throw it all out.

  10. @The Restaurant Manager - I soooo agree with you on that one. I don't think Feyoncé appreciates its' worth!

    @carmar76 - See, at least you are smart (books = smart). I have an abundance of bread ties. 'Nuff said.

    @The Barreness - Um, you sound like you have a MUCH better time cleaning than I do. I thought "ABBA" was fun. HA! Thanks for stopping in and leaving a comment.
    Love it!

    @D'Artagnan - Yeah, there is a post a while back where I quoined the term "Feyoncé".

    And you are right... I never thought of the safety implications of all that stuff. I mean, WTF if an intruder came in the night and hemmed all the stuff I donèt know how to sew?


    @steph gas - Every woman has that pile/piles/bag/dresser-ful/drawer/room filled with goal-sized clothes. The only problem comes when you have to move (as you well know!)

    As for the porn, just keep stacking those puppies up! (Or get it for free on the interwebs). Or both!

  11. Oh god, the dreaded junk drawer... (that's 'drawer' not 'drawers'. It takes on a whole new meaning when you add an 's'...)

    And I say if the weather won't cooperate, why should I? *sulks in the corner*

  12. i think EVERYONE has a drawer from Hell like that.

    i think they come with the house :)

  13. I have a junk drawer in the kitchen, livingroom and bedroom...I like junk...

  14. But do you cut your wire bag ties IN HALF so you can DOUBLE your supply? What? No, I don't do that.

  15. Ha! I just bought bread in bulk from Sam's Club and you just know all the bag ties will get lost. Could I borrow like seventeen of yours?

  16. - Yeah, drawers would be even more terrifying. And so true about the damn weather. Happy to have you at the blog, thanks for stopping by.

    @Slyde - The lady who lived here before ran a mighty tight ship. I think, in this case and this case alone, I am the master of all things junkie in this house. No, not like a junkie, junkie. Nevermind.

    Thanks for taking the time to comment!

    @Brandy Rose - I don't just like it... I LIVE IT!

  17. @Marianna Annadanna - Oh noes... what have you started...

    @Mrs. Hyde - See? This is why I would normally hang onto them. I now have a friend in need, and I threw out about 100 ties. This is negative reinforcement, reminding me to NEVER THROW ANYTHING OUT AGAIN...

    *cue theme song to Hoarders TV show...*

  18. Hell yes, that counts as spring cleaning! At least you organized the junk drawer. But we all have a drawer (or 5) like that, don't we? I have never saved bread ties, but hey. You'll be more prepared for that emergency bread truck delivery than I will be.

    For me, cleaning like that always uncovers crap that I have been looking for forever! And some stuff that I have no clue why I kept it in the first place.

  19. I have a junk closet I need to go through....not really looking forward to it.

    I drop the twisty ties on the floor for the kitties to play with when we have finished a loaf of bread. This is great until you pull the couch/love seat/name a large heavy piece of furniture OUT from where it has been residing and find the hundreds of twisty ties that the kitty batted under the furniture and couldn't get to it.

    Twisty Tie Dust Bunny HELL! ;P

  20. One of my sexiest fantasies is of being a minimalist, with everything packed away and clean smooth mod cupboards and storage and whites being white. My *other* fantasy involves making love on a unicorn-skin rug, which I imagine would cause tingles where it had skin contact, and would smell like rainbows. There's a reason I refer to them both as 'fantasies' :)

  21. Good job on the junk drawer! Sure wish mine looked like that. I think I will stick to being proud of myself for cleaning out my closet. I can only handle so much.

  22. @Krissy - Once I actually look at it, about 90% of it is "why am I even keeping this in the first place?" but I am blinded by the hypothetical emergency bread delivery scenario!

    @bekkitae - Mimimalism terrifies me. TERRIFIES. Also? For me it would have to be on a LIVE unicorn. I couldn't condone killing a unicorn for it's skin. lol.

    @On My Soapbox - OHMYGOD, don't mention the closet or else Feyoncé might hear and request a cleaning of all of them, too. Dear lord WHAT HAVE YOU STARTED!?!?!? Gah!

  23. Oh god. I wouldn't kill the unicorn, or let anyone else. I would have died of natural causes. As far as I know they're not immortal... just very VERY long living.


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