Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Glade, Febreze & Britney = Poison To The Senses

Now, first off, I'd like to say that I am pissed that my secret boyfriend happened to produce a segment on his show making fun of air fresheners on the very same day that I was mentally compiling a post about the same thing.

I'm also pissed that his show aired twice and I only happened to see it last night (I still love you, Stephen Colbert).

The item(s) in question? Air Fresheners. I will also take it a step further and include "fabric refreshers".

Now, I have a sensitive nose. I can smell smoke from miles away, nasty perfume from quite a distance, chemical and cleaner smells make me feel ill.

That leads me to question ... who the hell willingly and intentionally sprays some combination of potentially toxic (or at the very least, probably not HEALTHY-TO-INHALE) chemicals into the air and takes a huge, lung-filling breath of that air?

You've all seen the commercials. To me, it's a better-perfumed version of spraying Windex or Fantastik cleaner, then leaning in to suck up all that is unnatural/chemical based/potentially toxic.

Those Febreze fabric refresher commercials show a mom sniffing her nocturnal-emission-aged son's sheets, showing a face of disgust, then being promptly informed she can freshen that shit up.

KID: "UUUh Mom?" *squirms in chair* "You might not want to pur your face in that..."

Would you ever consider spraying a can of chemicals and immediately inhaling? Unless you were George Carlin using whipped cream and doing "whippits"? No good can come from this.

Also? Last I checked you can wash coats, and bath mats, too. Man, this commerical AND PRODUCT pisses me right off.

Are you that fahcking lazy you need to spray down your coat? Seriously? I mean, really?
Mind you, my house always smells like dogs (and sometimes fried onions/omelletes), but I'd still rather spare myself exposure to a can full of "vanilla lavender" chemicals in a can.

And no, I don't wear perfume, either.

Febreze on anything other than an attempt to conceal the urine smell on a chaise that a puppy may or may not have peed on is just not okay.

Also? Mattresses that have that aroma that Rihanna talks about in her latest song. HA! Just kidding.

Finally, that Britney Spears and Rihanna combo is awful. Someone took pity on Britney and included her in S&M, and let's just say that Rihanna has a real right to be pissed off. The song has been butchered. Someone needs to tell Britney to unplug her goddamned nose when she sings.

Be prepared for ear bleeding:

Listen to the atrocity here.

So there ya go. Nice random post for a Wednesday.

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  1. Hahaha! That first pic is sweet. "You might not want to pur your face in that..." Awesome.

  2. The Rihanna/Britney version is a mess!

    I'm slightly perturbed by the fact that I know, and can sing with gusto, all the words of the chorus, but I have trouble remembering my own phone number.

  3. I'll skip on the Britney/Rhianna whooore-a-thon, thanks.

  4. Rhianna isn't a favorite of mine, and her plus Britney together is a perfec t combination for me to switch radio stations in the car.


    PS - I have 2 sons and a daughter and you will NEVER catch me putting my nose anywhere near any of their sheets. No. Thank. You.

    Happy sniffing :)

  5. I love the smell of Urinal Cakes in the morning. It smells like...victory.

  6. yeah, i know what you mean about the febreeze. my ex used to douse the whole fucking house whenever people were coming over. -which just made me irate bc then everything smelled like dog AND air freshener.

    it's too much for my sensitive nose too. and it's always a giveaway that you're trying to hide something.

  7. @Heather (aka Sugar Free) - Worst.commercial.idea.ever.

    @Bub - The fact you can sing the song and not know your own phone number makes you that much more AWESOME!

    @Yandie, Goddess of Pickles. - Rihanna's version is catchy as hell.

    @myjoyproject - Us wiser folks would never sniff that shizz. I do have to admit I love me Rihanna (but not in concert).

  8. @Tom G. - ??????

    @You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... - I know... it's like strawberry bathroom spray. Then the room just smells like strawberries and poop. (Probably why he's your ex, right?).

    Am I'm always hiding something ;-)

  9. I don't have the sensitivity to these chemicals that you do. I'm a bachelor so I rely on chemicals to get rid of the locker room smell of my swingin' bachelor pad.

  10. i have febreze that they like discontinued. it's an anti-allergen one that doesn't really smell after it dries at all. it's supposed to like negate the allergy causing bullshit that falls off my cats. and it seems to work because people with cat allergies can come in my house with no issues.

    until the cats start climbing on them and making muffins. hmm.

    ALSO. haven't listened to the rihanna/britney mash up yet. now i'm afraid to. because i love rihanna. and i just want britney to be okay, you know? like normalish for an adult child-star. not stark raving mad.

  11. I once had a nasty allergic reaction to Febreeze. When I was an ignorant teenager I sprayed it on my mattress. BAD IDEA.

    I've also always thought that if you have a smelly house, maybe try cleaning it. Or opening a window. Although I do have fresheners in the bathrooms - I'm not a masochist.

  12. Britney is a joke. Always has been, always will be. Just sayin'.

    The mixture of her and the mom smelling her son's sheets has gotten me a little woozy...gonna go lay down...


  13. ...I thought I could love you... but you have besmirched the Holy Britney... I don't make fun of your Jesus!

    I'm totally kidding... but I AM a user of Febreeze and other smelly products. I have four cats, and between the smell of them and the smell of chemicals that DONT smell like a litter box... well, the choice is clear. And yes, I clean the box daily. They cats are just sh*t machines.

  14. I only use febreze when I want everybody to know that I just took a crap. It's so much easier than wearing a shirt that says it.

  15. I am so glad that someone else has these problems. I'm not allergic to fragrances, they just really bug me when they're so strong. I remember being a little kid fighting with my two younger siblings and eventually one of them sprayed Febreeze (or the off-brand thereof) in my face. Needless to say I threw a bitch-fit.

    Also, to answer your question, I am hoping that my fiancee's sister will be able to do my hair, soooo saving a ton of money there. Woo!

    Libby Lou

  16. I'm kinda grateful for air fresheners because this way when I'm huffing whipped cream, I can just tell people that I'm "refreshing" the room up. And by "refreshing" I mean "making it spin". WhooOoOoooOo...

  17. @George - But isn't it just so temporary?

    @steph gas - I think it might work initially, but I swear that Febreze traps allergens/mites/dust/stink just eventually causing you to have to use more again, soon after. Also? I want Britney better, too... but she's done a disservice to Rihanna.

    @Marianna Annadanna - I know... if I make the mistake of spraying it, I feel awful afterwards. Sorry to hear about your allergic reaction.

    And yes, cleaning is good. As is poop-room spray.

    @hed - It might just be inhalation of all the Febreze fumes!

  18. @Storm. Kat Storm. - Unfinished basement space is the only place I could ever tolerate the cat poop smell. Our one kitty never covered it up.

    Also, I want Britney better. But actually singing... well, with her own voice, you know? I can't endorse the song. Just can't.

    @D'Artagnan - I know... especially when the "I just pooped" shirts are all in the laundry!

    @Libby Lou - Thanks for stopping by! I would probably actually die if someone sprayed Febreze in my face. Either I would, or they would. Also, totally awesome about the hair. I'm a sucker and have to pay a salon!

    @Katsidhe - I like the way you think. Practical AND FUN! ;-)


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