Sunday, April 3, 2011

Have I Mentioned I Hate Cleaning?

So, I rolled my lazy ass out of bed somewhere around the noon-mark yesterday (mothers everywhere, feel free to hate on me).

As soon as I was up, Feyoncé was already cleaning up papers, putting crap away, doing laundry, saving lives and giving money to the poor.

I felt like I had enough energy to eat. Maybe, MAYBE even go to the store to get fruit to have with my wheat and dairy-laden waffles and coconut yogurt.

After I bravely faced the hoardes of slow-moving elderly shoppers at the jam-packed grocery store, fought through same drivers in the parking lot, grabbed a coffee and made it home, I was ready for a nap again.

What did I end up doing, you ask?

Well, Feyoncé was talking about this "spring cleaning" phenomenon that I am vaguely aware of. He went to the store and ran some errands.

I ended up cleaning the front entrance way.

On my mother-effin' hands and knees.
Using a mother-effin' toothbrush to get all the dog drool and dirt and grossness that couldn't be reached with regular, upright cleaning methods.

People, a MOTHER-EFFIN' toothbrush.

I inhaled all kinds of "Fantastik" cleaner, I Swiffer wet-jetted that vinyl flooring like no other assault it has likely ever seen in its life. I think I vaccuumed before washing about 3 times, just to be sure. And I used that weird pointy, funnel-down-to-a-point edge attachment.

Yes, I used central vaccuuming ACCESSORIES, I was so hard core.

The soundtrack to this wondrous (if not atypical) cleaning event?

It's pure gold... bellbottoms.

Oh yeah, Abba, on full blast, so as to hear it over the vaccuum, scrubbing, swearing, sweating, and brushing. (As in mother-effin' toothbrushing the wood floor trim).

Feyoncé came home. I could tell the music was jarring to him. So while I was on my hands and knees, Feyoncé literally said the music needed to be turned down.


But... they're so HAPPY, honey... it's ABBA?!?

I'm on my mother-effin' knees cleaning the mother-effin' quarter-round wood trim, and he DARES to try to soften/quiet/stop the ABBA?

I was angry... I need the music to motivate.  (p.s. I would have been much happier playing with a kite instead.)

Anyway, the poor guy ALSO worked his butt off doing the mile-high stack of dishes, to the only slighty-quieter ABBA soundtrack.

I later found out that he truly, deeply hates ABBA, that it was an awful experience for him, and, when asked, he was hard pressed to tell me ANY OTHER POSSIBLE MUSIC I could have played that would have been worse for him. (My apologies on the abuse of the comma there).

Anyone else need loud music to clean?
Clean their floors/rim with a toothbrush?

Anyone else think Swiffer is total BULLSHIT, since it makes it LOOK clean, but makes it sticky, which will ultimately just attract more dirt, requiring you to Swiffer again, causing an endless vortex of swiffer-squirting-then-sticking-then-resquirting?

No? Just me? 



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  1. I have a playlist dedicated to housework, because housework is more fun if you can dance with your various cleaning implements and/or sing into a duster (although dusters are bullshit.. only cloths actually REMOVE dust, rather than move it around).

    Swiffers ARE bullshit, and if you have dogs you may want to err on the side of caution because I've also heard (although it was likely on an email that had been forwarded to everyone and their brother) that it may be potentially toxic to some animals.

    I generally only clean my teeth with a toothbrush.

  2. i abhor cleaning, too, and loud music is the ONLY motivator! not so much abba, but they could be mixed in to my 70's/80's soundtrack. ; )

    and oh yeah, the toothbrush thing - i use one to clean the hard-to-scrub/reach areas of my sinks.

  3. I don't like Swiffer either...but a freakin' toothbrush? You crazy!

  4. @Yandie, Goddess of Pickles. - I think I am abnormal, in that I never sing INTO anything... I just belt it out loud without singing implements. Damn... I was wondering how safe it was for the dogs.

    I moved their food to be super cautious, until the fumes dissipate.

    @carmar76 - ABBA is probably not on folks' top 10 lists... lol, and YES! Around the kitchen sink there is no other way to get the stuff outta there unless you use a toothbrush! YAY! I am not alone.

    @Angie - Indeed. I am.

  5. If I would have been listening to Abba there would be a dire need for my kids to do some spring cleaning because I would have just blown my brains out from listening to them. lol

  6. @Oilfield Trash - Hmmm... I figured everyone had to love ABBA a little bit. How wrong I was...

  7. No I don't love or like them at all.

  8. seeriusly? abba...

    still love you, but abba?

    and sswiffters are shit...
    but so is cleaning

    never lease a place for more than a year and you never have to clean more than once a year...

    you can clean, but

    jus sayin

  9. I actually like my swiffer, but I have laminate which reacts differently to it than tile, I guess.

    I also hate to clean. my house is dusty. Ughhh. Now I have to clean because I just told you my house is dusty.

  10. You are all things I want to be. Right up until you got to the toothbrush thing. No way! Well, I do use it around the toilet bowl. Damn!

  11. Steph, I'll stand up against the naysayers and say that yeah, every so often, I just gotta little to some ABBA

  12. swiffers are bullshit. they don't do ANYTHING. i have four cats and all tile floors. you'd think the swiffer dry thingy would be tops for that. you'd be fucking WRONG. it suck suck suckity suck sucks. wet swiffer is good for like, perfectly flat planes that can be a bit sticky for a while. not tile floors. no way.

    i have been known to attack the grout between tiles with a toothbrush. not often, but it has happened.

    as far as music, i usually just put on the classic alternative station from my cable company (very loud, obvs) and surprise myself with:
    a) songs i remember even though i swear i was completely wasted during that period of my life, b) songs that my cable company thinks are 'classic alternative', c) how awesome the 90s were.

  13. Swiffer is BS. I have to swiffer then spray the floor with plain water and go over it with a dry pad to get rid of the sticky.

  14. @Oilfield Trash - I see the error of my ways

    @Bruce - I like the way you think. Unfortunately I have no plans on moving soon. And yes, Abba. After I saw "Mamma Mia" I totally fell in love with them. I admit it.

    @Storm. Kat Storm. - Resist the urge to dust because of social convention! Listen to Bruce! ;-)

    @middle child - You made me lol. And you are WAY MORE hard core than I, because I wouldn't get that close to the toilet bowl rim.

  15. @Yandie, Goddess of Pickles. - YAY! ABBA united!

    @steph gas - I am becoming a follower of the suckity-suck-suck Swiffer mindset as well.
    Also? We picked a grout colour that coincidentally happens to be dirt-coloured. Total coincidence.

    And I never trust the cable radio station thingie. I always get two decent songs and then crazy-ass shit that is off genre. So I hear ya there.

    @Brandy Rose - That's too much damn work! I'll probably be wishing I washed the bullshitty Swiffer away once the dirt starts making patterns on the floor once again...

  16. I don't know about Swiffer, because my floors are always dirty. As far as a toothbrush goes, I use one to clean my wheels. :-)

  17. I feel your pain! 3 hours on the bathroom floor on my knees scrubbing, and cleaning the floors and toilets! Sucked. A lot.

  18. @On My Soapbox - You are comprised of wheels? Are you a Transformer (aka "Robot in Disguise"?). If so, that is AWESOME... and your dirty floor comment made me lol.

    @Jean Cumbie - I share in your misery! Thanks for taking the time to say hello and comment on the blog. I luuuuuuuuurve me some comments.

    Thank goodness we have a small bathroom.

  19. Believe me, I wouldn't have really gone beyond wishing I had a genie to help me with the real bad when it comes to housework....

  20. @caterpillar - You just need more ABBA. And maybe more cowbell, if you like Christopher Walken. ;-)

    Thanks for stopping by and commenting.

  21. I went spring cleaning on my room and apartment this week-end. It was quite enjoyable (mostly because I was alone with my Glee episode re-runs in French and with a sponge rather than a toothbrush).

    I feel your Swiffer pain. I always opt for warm, soapy water and a mop. :-P

    -Barb the French Bean


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