Tuesday, April 26, 2011

StephanieC's Car Tips

Car Tips for Savvy Women (& Men)

(Also refer to: Top 11 Tips: Become An Awesome Winter Driver!)

- Mechanics do not find it particularly cute or endearing when you refer to car problems with the words "thingy" "light thingy" "exclamation point light thingy" or "touchy brakes". You may also discover that you feel like a tool when uttering these words/phrases. They are also thoroughly unhelpful.

- Thank the gawds for that beeping noise "thingy" that reminds your stupid arse that you have, once again, forgotten to turn off your headlights.
Note to HONDA: Please make a similar noise for leaving the trunk open for longer than, say, a day, so as to avoid missing coffee with a friend because the driver was too stupid to realize she [read: ME] left the trunk open for two days in the garage with the intention of removing a bag of dog food. (Resulting in a dead battery. OBVIOUSLY).

- Some people use a parking brake.
Note this.
When you are trying to figure out why your car will not move from it's holdless parking spot in front of the mechanic's, stop revving and think for a moment. Then check the parking brake. Put the car BACK in PARK before removing the parking brake. Drive as normal.

- Always have a set of jumper cables. Never depend on your significant other for them, especially if he/she travels, isn't home very much/avoids you/points and laughs when you leave your trunk open for 2 days.

- Be sure to call your father and ask how to connect the jumper cables/generally what to do/find out how you managed to be so mechanically and automobile inept, despite his mechanic's license and your sister's penchant for shop classes.

- Believe the "low fuel" light. That shit doesn't lie. Usually.

Confucius say: "He who does not see low fuel light will walk a long road to understanding". Okay, I totally made that shit up. OBVIOUSLY.

- Do not agree to flash your boobs for a free ride to the nearest gas station, when proposed on the side of the road. The offering party will likely snicker and drive off without you.

- Make sure your cell phone is charged. Don't rely on your car charger, especially if you've left your trunk open for days.

Look Ma, no hands... operating the car. Also? Smooooooth phone.

- Remember that a bluetooth headset is NOT hands-free if you must search for it for 15 minutes, in order to fish it out from the bottom of your purse with one hand.
(It is also not hands free if you need to unlock your cell phone with a series of numbers, navigate through a menu, select a synching option, and mess around until it is finally functional all the while driving.)
Plan ahead for crap like that, idiot. Also, be aware that many GPS units have built-in bluetooth.

That's it for now.

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  1. That is some pretty good advice right there.

  2. good advice there, steph!

    also - when i clicked the link for this post, it sent me to a "premium" content site w/ a survey you had to "unlock" in order to get to the blog. i closed out & went thru the main blog link, but thought i'd share. just in case it happens to anyone else. more likely it's some goofy thing my computer is doing. bah. technology is great! : )

  3. Mechanics hate it when you throw technical terms like "thingy" around because they know that you are on to them.
    I've never used a bluetooth or hands free device. Electronics can sense my fear of them and will not cooperate.

  4. @Oilfield Trash - It's a thingy I like to do. Ha.

    @carmar76 - Thanks carmar... I tried it and it seems okay? Not sure. Just keep an eye on your parking brake! ;-)

    @George - Oh, they're INTIMIDATED by my terminology?!?! I'll have to add thingamajig and whatchamacallit in there, too.

  5. I have another one for you...before you take your car in because the check engine light is on, maybe you should make sure you tightened your gas cap until you hear a click. If you don't, your check engine light comes on. And mechanic looks at you like you are a complete idiot while he tightens your gas cap for you.

    On the plus side...mechanic doesn't charge you for tightening the gas cap for you.

  6. i agree...you have splained this well~!


    when are we gonna get them flying cars?

  7. ANOTHER NOTE TO HONDA: That little yellow "Maint Reqd" light on the dash that comes on every 50,000K or whatever is entirely UNhelpful. All it is telling me to do is go to the dealer and pay a shit-ton of money to get it turned off.

  8. Bahaha! Good points! I call the dome light buzzer "The Dummy Ding". Yup, one guess who left her dumb (dome) light on. Once.

  9. @jacqui - Ooooooooooooh, I do feel your pain. That sucks, but luckily they didn't soak you for some fake expensive repair.

    @bruce - Um, end of next week. Or so.

    @Marianna Annadanna - I know... the "maintenance minder". I am never sure if it voids my warranty if I don't do it. Because I don't. I only ever do the oil change. Who needs effective breaks? Not me!

    @On My Soapbox - I need ALL the dummy dings I can get!

  10. My car has too many dummy dings! Ding - your seatbelt is not on, ding - the lights are on, ding - the liftgate is open, ding - stop at the gas station. The current one is telling me I must get my oil changed!

  11. Excellent tips! Although I suspect some of the dumb arse mechanics don't know what the cause of half the shizz wrong with a vehicle, therefore the term 'thingy' is perfectly acceptable.

  12. haha... ooooh Stephy... *hugs* its a good thing you're pretty.

  13. Thank you. *wipes tears* I needed that.
    If it makes you feel any better I constantly drive with the needle around "E". I've also never been able to adequately flash my boobs for anything...

  14. That shit don't lie. Priceless. That made me actually laugh. 1st time in a week. Thanks more than you know!

  15. most mechanics don't make shit up to make money off you. and if they do, they're dicks. awesome husband has been a mechanic for 12 years so far and the amount of people he has worked with that fleece customers like that is surprisingly small. GOOD mechanics - ones that actually do know what they are doing - have some self-respect and take pride in their job.

    and as much as the dealerships seem to overcharge you, you're really getting better service. the mechanics at the dealership are TRAINED specifically by that car company to rock the fuck out of working on those cars.

    also, go buy a chrysler and have it worked on at the dealer so i can keep paying my bills.

  16. @cakeologist - I have to admit that the "your seatbelt isn't on" ding annoyed the hell out of me back when my dog used to sit in the front of the car... otherwise I rely on those dings.

    @The Empress - If all else fails, just heed the boob flash comment. ;-)

    @Storm. Kat Storm. - Thanks... sometimes it's all I've got. And only at about 50%.

    @D'Artagnan - You like to live on the edge, I see. And keep practicing. With enough weight gain and fortitude, you too can flash your boobs for things. *results may vary

    @Bushman - Hey, thanks man. I feel like I am totally losing my funny, so I am really happy to hear that you laughed. Honestly. Hope you are feeling okay?

    @steph gas - I have only had generally bad and/or misleading mechanics (except for my dad and one guy at Active Green & Ross) who have lied and tried to extort large sums of money for me for illegitimate shit. Maybe it's worse in Ontario.

    Props to your hubs for being honest and upstanding. We need more of that.

  17. I'm not above flashing my boobs for a free ride. Or for a free coffee. Or for a free feel-up.

    Or for any reason, really.

  18. Also, it wouldn't hurt to learn a thing or two (or a thingy or two) about cars so that when the mechanic tells you that you're out of blinker fluid you don't say something like "you're kidding me!"


  19. What do you mean flashing my boobs won't work?...well, there goes my excuse for never learning how to do any car repair shit...

  20. @Tricia - Please show them to us bloggers. Please.

    @Pearl - No worries, the mechanic already had me replace my blinker fluid last month.

    @Sandra - Tricia seems to have had success. Perhaps my problem is size. You should be fine. ;-)


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