Friday, October 15, 2010

Holy Divorce Batman!

So, I was reading People online (go ahead, judge). I had actually broken a hard-core addiction to celebrity gossip about a year ago, and figured I would pop on over to see what was new. (I bet you thought I was going to say porn, didn't you?)

And my gaaaawd... there is so much I have been missing out on!

Alicia Keys, Neil Patrick Harris and 8 bajillion other celebs had babies!
But, more interestingly.... holy effing hell is everyone and their dog breaking up? Divorcing? Separating? "Trial" Separating?

Obviously, if a couple isn't in love any more, then it's time to move on if you are both unhappy. Or there's abuse. Or cheating.

But this stuff scares me. I mean, if a solid, secure, normal, down-to-earth, wholesome, squeaky clean couple like Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratwurst Bratface Bratman can't stay together, do the rest of us have a hope in hell?

She is practically DRIPPING with commitment, people!  Image Credit
BF and I have discussed our fears about that dreaded 50% statistic for marriage success. SO, I did the math, and that means at least ONE OF US is going to get divorced after we get married. Fuck.

I know people in their early twenties who (whom? whatever) I love dearly who are already divorced. It breaks my heart. Not because I think they should stay together if it ain't workin'... but... what a shitty deal.

You fall in love with someone, commit to spending the rest of your life together, and then things turn so sour, sometimes so violently/horribly/gut-wrenchingly sour that you despise the person.

In a million years, I couldn't imagine ever being more than a tad bitchy at BF for, say, not using a clean dish cloth to do the dishes! (WHAT?! Go ahead, judge, but food-counter-wiping-uppage leaves bacteria on that shit! I don't want bacteria-laden clean dishes~! Hmph!). I couldn't imagine a life without him. I wouldn't want a life without him.

And when I think about it, I can only assume that almost every.single.other.couple out there at least started out feeling the same way. HolyShitPanic.

Some of the bloggers I follow are divorcees once or twice over. While I ADORE the snippy edge it gives some of them and their dastardly humour, I couldn't imagine enduring one divorce, never mind two! To those of you out there that have had to do this, I tip my hat.

Well, not like, good job, so happy to hear you are divorced. But I mean, for, you know, surviving through it all. Especially if you have children, too, and have to see your asshat of an ex semi-regularly.

All of this feeds my fears about marriage and beh-bees. I am not a religious person (please don't unfollow me, lol), but I feel the need to be married first before having any beh-bees. I need to lock BF in at least THAT much, so it will be a real hassle for him to leave my future-saggy-pimple-covered-stopped-going-to-the-gym-'cause-I'm-married-and-don't-have-to-even-try-anymore ass. Oh, and my beh-bee(s).

Approximation of post-marriage pimply ass.

Wow, I'm getting ahead of myself.

But I fear that, too.

More than a couple of people have told me that people just 'stop trying' after marriage. Jaysus... I don't want that. I need the motivation in the pre-engaged state we are in to keep showering (sometimes) on the weekends. If we're married... hell, maybe I'll go weeks unbathed.

Have to chisel off the lumps, as my dad says. (Which reminds me, I need to dedicate an entire post to all the odd sayings I have learned from my father that I thought were mainstream phrases until I frequently saw the look of confusion on BF and co-workers' faces. I digress).

Celeb couples who have recently bit the dust (or at least recently enough that I remember, or was saddened at some point):
  • Sandra Bullock and Jesse James (though he always seemed a little douchey)
  • Britney Spears and K-Fed (Whahhh? Not happily ever after forever?)
  • Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt? (I am STILL mad at Brad for that one)
  • Courtney Cox-Arquette and David Arquette
  • HELLOOO? Jim Carey and Jenny McCarthy (that made me so sad)
  • Ryan Phillllllipppppe and Reese Witherspoon
  • Christina & Jordan
  • Patti Stanger and Andy Friedman (She's the Millionaire Matchmaker, people, the light of hope is dwindling...) Okay, they weren't married, but still.
  • Heidi Montag and that Spencer Pratt douche.
  • A bunch more I've forgotten and am too lazy to google.
  • Did Catherine Zeta Jones and the old Douglas break up?

This is sort of the opposite of my point, but the results are still horrifying, nonetheless.

Alrighty... well, I never expected this post to go quite the way it did, but, meh, too lazy to overthink it tonight.

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  1. Good post, good points, and if you're over 30, I believe you have a better shot at staying married than if you're under 25...'cause you don't know yourself at that age no matter how much you think you do, you don't (I hope you aren't under 25 'cause now I'm offending you...eeek!)
    My point is...well, I don't have a point because I was divorced one, it was hell, and blog fodder or not, I wish that person had never entered my immediate periphery.
    So you and BF stay together till you're both over 30, then get married. See. I just solved your problem!...I bet you wish I would just stop typing now, right?...ok, I'm outta here.
    PS: Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving a comment! You are funny! And a terrific writer!

  2. It has been a bad week for divorces in La-La Land. With 50/50 odds for us normal folks, the odds have to be much worse in Hollywood with all the egos and desperate fame-chasers waiting round each corner with dropped panties. Staying together would be hard work and the all the media scrutiny and (sometimes) lies can't help either.

    Can't wait to read about more of your dad's amusing phrases.

    Have a great weekend!

  3. i thought that horrid speidi couple called off their divorce? not that i fucking care. i hate them both with a boiling passion deep in the pit of my bowels.

    i was going to say stomach, but bowels sounds worse.

    ALSO. i have been married to my husband for six years now (last friday was our sixth anniversary!) and we've been together thirteen and a half years.

    you read that right. thirteen. and. a. half. and we're only 30. ridiculous, i know. HOWEVER. you have to work at marriage - you don't just get married and live happily ever after. you have to put shit into your marriage. like sex. and cooking. and showering regularly. but it's not like hard work. i mean, sometimes it is hard, but it's not BAD. and it's totally worth it.

    and as much as divorce sucks, and while you're in a relationship you can't IMAGINE being able to get through a divorce - you can. it's never easy, but often it's for the best. of course, the BEST best would be to make sure you're marrying someone you can spend the rest of your life with. if you're not sure about that, then you're not sure about them.


  4. *Sandra - just found your blog today, linked from another... you man's lady!! ;-)
    And no worries, I am 30 and BF is older than that, but shall remain ageless due to whining purposes.

    *The Empress - you had me at dropped panties. Then I couldn't focus on the rest of your comment. lol. Have a great weekend!

    *steph gas - i know it takes work, and sometimes the little things can be the hard things. I totally know all the good things are worth fighting for and all that, but the problem is that most people really think they have found the right person, right? What if it jumps to 75%?

    Then one of us, AND half of the other person will end up divorced! Complicated! (*emphasis on math sarcasm*)

    I mean, BF is perfect, it's just that he may one day realize that I am not, and then... RUH ROH... ha!

    p.s. is gas your real name or is it an acronym?

  5. Divorced cry. Not only did she take everything but she took my inner child as well. Oh nothing prozac and a bottle of wild turkey can't haddle.

    Like the blog so far. I am going to guess you're a pretty sarcastic and witty person. Me likey =)

  6. *The Phoenix Rising - Why hello there and welcome. Sorry to hear even the inner child is gone. That shit is COLD.

    Tell you what, if you stick around and still think I'm kinda funny, the next shot of wild turkey is on me. It's the least I can do. ;-)

  7. This one hits home a little bit, as my sister is thinking about divorcing her husband. He definitely fell into the "stopped trying" category, or maybe even "Never tried in the first place". But I digress. I am new to your blog, this being the first post I've read, but I really enjoy your writing style. I'll definitely be coming back for more!

  8. Marriages fail, sadly, because ppl aren't willing to put in the WORK anymore. (Generally speaking, and barring abuse/cheating/general rude behavior towards one's spouse.) Courtney & David's "trial separation" really surprised me to read about. IDK why that one hit me like my brother's - even tho his involved a cheating wife, and according to reports there wasn't cheating involved w/ the Arquettes. Still, it makes me sad.

    Your posts, however, have been making me quite happy!

  9. I kinda get what you're saying, Stephanie, about how there are mixed feelings and ideas about breakups and divorces, but sometimes a breakup is the better (if not a different) option.

    I, too, would love to stay married happily ever after and pop out some hypothetical future French brats of my own, but it is also necessary to find someone who shares the same vision; my Loser Ex-Boyfriend *so* was not in tune with me. :-P

    In any case, if what you and BF argue about are bacteria-spattered dishcloths, then I have a good feeling you two are going to stay put for quite some time! ^.^

    -Barb the French Bean

  10. I was very sad at Jenny and Jim,, I really liked them as a couple. It makes me wonder how many celebrity marriages and really just for publicity... Oh well, great blog!

  11. Zeta and D-Dog-Douglous are still together, though he's not in the best of health.

    I think it's understandable that you want a life long committment before you agree to having kids with you BF, after all, kids are a lifelong committment, and let's face it, pregnancy is no cake walk.

    Celeb marriages are even harder because they are both artist/unhinged, they have lots of temptations, difficult schedules and long time apart. Not exactly the healthiest way to have a marriage that still works. Unless it's an open one ofcourse.

  12. *Adam - sorry to hear about your sis... it's always a bummer and we always want our families to be happy. Welcome to the blog and thanks for the compliments... makes me feel warm and fuzzy and.... no.. wait, I just peed myself... (p.s. I love that someone else used the term "digress", and, also, that I have a writing style. I was unaware of this.)

    *carmar76 - sorry to hear about your bro. Makes sense all of us know close family who have been through it. And the cheating must have just been awful. And it does take work. Both parties have to want it and be willing to fight for it when it's needed.
    Thanks for the compliments! I am starting to wonder if you are all real people.. or if BF is creating fake profiles to make me feel like I have a truly-somewhat-at-least-minorly-amusing blog!! Please return often! ;-)

  13. *Barb the French Bean - indeed... don't get me wrong, sometimes a break-up is the ONLY option. The best and/or healthiest. And it is often so very very complicated. For the record - the dish cloth bitching is wholeheartedly one sided. BF is so good, he just maybe rolls his eyes and carries on. I'm pretty damn lucky. ;-)

    *AmberLaShell - good point, I am sure a lot of those celebs just do it for press, or convenient publicity. I just fell in love with Jenny and Jim once he was walking down the beach in her swimsuit. (And thanks again for the compliments... I hope you don't say that to ALLLL the bloggers out there.. lol)

    *Alpha Za - hi and thanks for your first post! I was just about to google Catherine Zeta Jones to find out.
    Hells yeah to pregnancy being hard! I'm going to be more of a whiny baby than the ACTUAL baby when the times comes for me to be preggers.
    Totally true - so much temptation for celebs, many are whiny-need-gratification-now types (like myself) so it is a different dynamic.


  14. I have never been married, which I know is slightly unusual for a guy of my advanced (ahem) age. But I have lots of friends who were married and divorced and then found the RIGHT one the 2nd time. My brother didn't find the right one until the third time.

    My lady friend has been divorced and she has horror stories. Not just the emotional kind but all the financial bullshit you have to go through. I was close to getting married a couple times when I was younger and THANK GOD I didn't because they obviously would have ended in the big D... or i'd be miserable now!!


  15. I found you on the blog quilt! :) Celebrity marriages are a joke! I like the illustration you made, by the way. Kudos on that one! :))

    Heidi looks like a plastic doll now and not an attractive one. :s

  16. *Simple Dude - I HEAR you man. I almost made the same mistake at 21... would have been disastrous. I hope everything goes swimmingly for you and your lady friend. ;-)

    *Toni Tralala - Hello there and thanks for stopping by!! My illustrations are nowhere near Allie Brosh level, but I figure there has to be SOME form of stimuli in case my writing is causing people to nod off to sleep.

    Heidi was soooo much cuter before! Agreed!

  17. gas is like a portion of my real last name. i don't want to blog with my entire real names because, well, obviously.

    ALSO. divorce is a bunch of bullshit to go through. my dad has been thrice divorced so far. he sprung one of them on me THE DAY before, he asked if i could take off work to go to the city clerk with him.

    oh, and i was living with him at the time. seriously.

    i think the problem is that some people get excited about getting married, or fall in love with love - not with the person they want to marry. it is different for everyone, though. but i do think that too many people don't take the idea of marriage seriously enough. maybe if everyone did, we'd have a lower divorce rate.

  18. I still have faith in marriage. I just finished a nasty divorce(FINALLY), and want to remarry.

    Married young (21), and it lasted 15 years, we dated for 5 prior to engagement. Yes, it lasted a long time, but I'm a persistent fellow. Willing to work for it and sacrifice things for the relationship. I just came to realize I couldn't sacrifice all of me for it. Not sure what I'd be if I compromised all of my beliefs.

    I ended it, or eventually gave up, if I'm going to be honest. I stayed long after sacrificing sex and professional development. As long as she was happy...
    But when doubt was cast on our friendship, I faltered. If she didn't even have my back? What did I have?

    Sucks being a shadow bringing home the bacon. Don't read anything into that, she was the breadwinner for a good part of the marriage before we agreed to sacrifice financial stability so she could Follow her Dreams.

    A girl was involved.... A friend who had truly helped me when things were bad. She supplied the ideas for most of my attempts to fix the marriage. My wife met them all with defensive anger, I was bothering her with shit like this when she's so busy? She was busy, working at her dream or having fun with friends. The dream I understood, but a marriage in trouble? The friends could chill while we fix it maybe?

    Anyway, the friend fell for me due to all the soul baring and whining I did. We had a good connection, and a long friendship before any intimacy. Things did get super shitty for a minute. I ended what had just started (painful shit with that kind of connection) and focus on a resolution, one way or the other, with my wife.

    The marriage ended, the new connection was reestablished and slowly settled into what we were both comfortable with....

    And I want to marry her. I can say after a 20 year relationship, I never thought about the kind of thing I have now. I don't sacrifice anything now, we see whats best for both of us.
    I found a woman I was completely comfortable baring my deepest to. Being vulnerable felt safe, talk about a weird feeling. And it was when I discovered it. I'm confident now and truly happy with what will come.

    I think my new love has benefited from all I learned in the 1st marriage. And a lot of what I learned that will make this new life work was learned through my divorce. I'm not afraid to take these chances now. It can be worth it, you just have to really understand yourself and your partner, and be willing to work for the happiness.

    With only one chance at life, you have to be able to change things if your not happy. maybe they need a different level of marriage for those who don't really know what they need to.
    Like a learners permit? Less of a commitment if you can't pass the "I really know myself and what I want" test... Plus you'd have to be accompanied by another mature adult if you only have a permit.

  19. I discovered this blog by a link posted somewhere, so after a good read of everything and everyone, I wanted to post my little bit., since I see some very good comments including the one by Stephanie of course.

    As Steph Gas said, people fall in love with love. They don't want to be alone, they want the comfortable feeling of having a partner there, for the good and the bad moments. If you look for something like that, you will easily find it. The physical attraction happens and the relationship starts and sometimes, out of being afraid of being alone, the relationship just keeps going until marriage. Then there is a moment that the relationship becomes unbearable and divorce is the only way out.

    In my opinion, this happens way too often. People should work on self-improvement, realize what exactly they want from themselves and from life and which kind of person would fit this view of life. Being able to be alone, not terrified of it, will also strengthen the person and make it less vulnerable to "cheap romanticism". I think that this kind of things greatly reduce the chance for divorce, because if you find someone who share the same view on life (is on the same wave) it's going to be easier to work and fix problems that may arise.

  20. *steph gas - thanks for the name thing. I wondered if you were tormented as a child if that were your real full last name.
    Also - so true that people fall in love with love, or the idea of marriage. I almost made that mistake at 21 because I wanted what I thought society wanted me to have - the hubby, 2.4 babies, a white picket fence, etc., etc.

    *Anonymous - I agree wholeheartedly that you should not, CANnot lose yourself in the process. You will only end up resentful or remorseful and that never bodes well in the long term.
    Thanks for sharing so much and for being so honest. I am truly happy to hear that you have found your "right person" that you can be comfy with. It makes ALL the difference!
    Love the learner's permit! I say that should go for having beh-bees, too. Fail the test = can't have beh-bees.

    *Rendos - You make a really good point. In truth, I think I rely a lot (too much?) on BF, when I should be working on me. Mind you, I also adore just about every single aspect of him, so I am not with him to just not be alone.

    But I *HAVE* stayed in bad relationships in my past life just so I wouldn't be alone. You called it out - you have to be on the same wavelength with your partner or it just won't work. Can't be in love with love like steph gas and you both mention. There has to be substance!


  21. I do love that divorce cake. I think there's money in that. Not literally inside the cake but in cakes that celebrate divorce, and yet don't celebrate divorce. Because who wants to eat a cake that looks like a pale, doughy, pimply ass? No one. So you'd get people to think twice about divorce upon seeing that cake. Love your self-improvement thing, god that's true. Fix your shit first. THEN get married. I did not do that the first time around. Hence, divorce cake.


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