Sunday, July 17, 2011

Old Men & Socks

I know what you're thinking.

That title sounds mysteriously close to "old men and sex"... but you should get your bloody mind out of the gutter, sicko.

Wait, what? You weren't thinking that?

Okay, sorry.

I have made mention many a time within the last week or two to FeyoncĂ©™ that old men have this need to pull their socks up to their armpits when wearing socks and running shoes (tennis shoes, sneakers, gym shoes, whatever the masses call them).

I absolutely do not understand this phenomenon, and trust me, it's EVERYWHERE.

Older men have a fear of shin exposure.

My thoughts?

If you wanted to wear pants, you should have worn pants, buddy.

The only other conclusion? Perhaps they think they look sexy in them, like this:

SPOILER ALERT: You do NOT look sexy like this in long socks.

I think I finally convinced my own (very youthful!) father that he should at least push them down a little... you know, schuschz them down a bit, so they don't look like lederhosen-gone-wild.

He also blew my mind by adopting "Jesus sandals" and possibly CROCS to take the garbage out, motherfuckers! CROCS! That is when I KNEW those things must be comfortable. I was happy to see him establish independence from his tube sock dependency.

It CAN be done, people of the blogosphere. He is walking proof. Walking proof without a sock tan up to his kneecaps. Thanks Dad!

I know you would never go the route of ankle socks, but I swear they are awesome with running shoes. 

You can't even see these mysterious socks with runners, but they prevent blisterage. LISTEN OLD MEN!

I think older men of the world should, nay, MUST free themselves of the chains that bind them - you know, the white tube socks that force their calves and ankles to sweat in this heat. 

Let your legs be free my friends! Embrace the sandal! There are so many months for you to be hunkered down in pants and socks and closed-in shoes!


[EDIT: Compression stocking-wearers excluded!!]

But then again, don't bear too much toe cleavage. That's just gross.

Why I would never work with people's feet. *shudder*

Just find the balance, okay?

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  1. If those are you legs in the socks, you rocked them.

    And I agree with you.

  2. @Oilfield Trash - I shall lie and take credit for the sexiness that is not mine. ;-)

  3. Wait, that ISN'T how I am supposed to wear my socks? I've been doing it wrong for YEARS then.

    Also, those toenails are a thing of nightmares.

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  5. @Leauxra - You know, you could probably rock the socks like that. It's the OLD DUDES that are the problem. That and bunny organ remnants. (Long story, folks)

    @Cheap Tennis Rackets - Thank you SO MUCH FOR MY FIRST SPAM COMMENT! I have FINALLY made it as a blogger! Yay! So happy that meanwhile, you welcome my return visit. So kind.

    Also? I am an AVID non-tennis player. Fucking SWEET!

  6. Nice legs....
    As a follower of the 80's Miami Vice trends, I as an old man will adopt the Don Johnson look of NO SOCKS....yeah... now I need a Ferrari.
    Cheers, Sausage.

  7. i finally got my dad to wear ankle socks when wearing shorts but he still won't wear sandals

  8. That last picture will be featured prominently in my nightmares. I hate you.

  9. ugh. i dread the day my father turns into that. i will have to sit him down and let him know with only a few smacks upside the head that this simply cannot be.

  10. @Sausage Fingers - Thanks, they aren't mine, tho. Also? I would go dockless, or hiked-up-tubesocked for a Ferarri! Or a Fererro Rocher chocolate. Either one.

    @becca - At least you are still making progress on the Dad frontier. I commend you.

    @Storm. Kat Storm. - I thought it was uber-sexy. No?

    @Kage - I admire your confidence, in that you will only need a few smacks upside the side. That's great efficacy!

  11. The are especially va-va voom when the shirt is tucked into the baggy pants, which are pulled up sooooo high you can see whether he was.....well you really don't wanna know about that...

  12. Fyi, those tall white socks that go to the knee are probably compression socks. They are worn for medical purposes to help with vascular issues, diabetes, etc.

    1. @Anonymous - I know several old dudes that are just wearing tube socks from Walmart hiked up nice and high.

      I also had people messaging me about compression socks, hence my edit way back when I wrote this that reads: "[EDIT: Compression stocking-wearers excluded!!]" near the bottom of the post.



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