Have You Ever??

Peed in the shower? At the gym? While wearing socks?

Photo Credit

Nah, me neither.

Absolutely had to use your finger to get something out of your nose that wouldn't budge? Wiping it on a Kleenex, of course, and washing your hands afterwards.


No, I know, who would do that? Ewww.

Sharted your pants, either because you held it in too long, surprised yourself with the speed/forcefulness of air, or forgot you had that burrito yesterday?

Me? No, never, that's just... um... wrong.

Been so drunk in your teens that you peed in the bar line-up, were denied entry to the bar, then defiantly told the bouncers that you were NOT drunk and that you felt JUST fine and did NOTHING wrong?

Wow, would that ever be embarrassing. Good thing none of us have ever done something so foolish... right?

Freshened up your your lady bits with Kleenex that had unknowingly come into contact with glitter from a Halloween make-up kit in your purse, immediately before having a pelvic exam?

Noooo, me neither. Could you imagine the look on the doctor's face? And what my your response would be when you have no idea of what is going on?

Nearly screamed out loud because you thought there was a spider beside you, in your peripheral vision, only to realize it was a shadow/shrub/your sunglasses/the car next to you in traffic/nothing at all?

No, I would never do that. That's just... heh... silly.

Ever wonder how many people would have to be on their phones, click over to someone else on call waiting, and keep having this patten continue until the telecommunications systems burst into flames all over the world?


No? Alone on this one?

Had to clean a co-worker's poop off the toilet bowl, absolutely horrified, repulsed, disgusted and near sick, simply so the co-workers that come in after you don't think that YOU made that nasty mess?

Okay... seriously, I have done this several times and it makes me wanna vomit. One guy in our office... I do not KNOW WHAT he eats, but he needs to switch something up and cut down on his glue intake.

Okay, that's all she wrote for now. Had to bump down the depressing post below (though in truth I am not feeling much better and the battle continues). Pin It Now!

Lipton's Soup To Nuts

Inside the Actor’s Studio with James Lipton, prompted by Rabbit over at MicaelChadwick.com
He is funny and seemingly often angry. In a funny way.

(and yes, the varied capitalization of sentences is intentional, for aesthetic reasons even unknown to me).

1. What is your favorite word?  ubiquitous is fun.

2. What is your least favorite word? anything racist. The "n" word infuriates me.

3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? the rescue of helpless animals, be it through the SPCA, wildlife groups, or places like the David Sheldrake Wildlife Trust.

4. What turns you off? are we still talking emotionally? Or.... like... never mind. I'll just say bad breath.

5. What is your favorite curse word? Damnitalltohell (BF would say it is "fuck"... only when I am really angry/in the throes of road rage/blogging).

6. What sound or noise do you love? the purr of a cat.

7. What sound or noise do you hate? sirens make me antsy because you know something bad has happened/is happening/someone might die. Also reminds me of my sister's near-death experience giving birth to my nephew.

8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? modelling... bwahHAHhah!! No, really, working with animals somehow (outside of a shelter or vet clinic because I am a p*ssy when it comes to death).

9. What profession would you not like to do? streetwalker. I hate walking around for long periods of time. That, or cleaning lady/janitor (waaay too lazy to clean my own messes, never mind the messes of others.... that sort of fits with my first response, too).

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? Beyotch, your blog was funny! And you are not as rotten a person you think you are. But really! The blog was good!

And that's all she wrote.

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seriously really seriously blog

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Holy Divorce Batman!

So, I was reading People online (go ahead, judge). I had actually broken a hard-core addiction to celebrity gossip about a year ago, and figured I would pop on over to see what was new. (I bet you thought I was going to say porn, didn't you?)


And my gaaaawd... there is so much I have been missing out on!

Alicia Keys, Neil Patrick Harris and 8 bajillion other celebs had babies!
But, more interestingly.... holy effing hell is everyone and their dog breaking up? Divorcing? Separating? "Trial" Separating?

Obviously, if a couple isn't in love any more, then it's time to move on if you are both unhappy. Or there's abuse. Or cheating.

But honest.to.Jebus this stuff scares me. I mean, if a solid, secure, normal, down-to-earth, wholesome, squeaky clean couple like Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratwurst Bratface Bratman can't stay together, do the rest of us have a hope in hell?

She is practically DRIPPING with commitment, people!  Image Credit

BF and I have discussed our fears about that dreaded 50% statistic for marriage success. SO, I did the math, and that means at least ONE OF US is going to get divorced after we get married. Fuck.

I know people in their early twenties who (whom? whatever) I love dearly who are already divorced. It breaks my heart. Not because I think they should stay together if it ain't workin'... but... what a shitty deal.

You fall in love with someone, commit to spending the rest of your life together, and then things turn so sour, sometimes so violently/horribly/gut-wrenchingly sour that you despise the person.

In a million years, I couldn't imagine ever being more than a tad bitchy at BF for, say, not using a clean dish cloth to do the dishes! (WHAT?! Go ahead, judge, but food-counter-wiping-uppage leaves bacteria on that shit! I don't want bacteria-laden clean dishes~! Hmph!). I couldn't imagine a life without him. I wouldn't want a life without him.

And when I think about it, I can only assume that almost every.single.other.couple out there at least started out feeling the same way. HolyShitPanic.

Some of the bloggers I follow are divorcees once or twice over. While I ADORE the snippy edge it gives some of them and their dastardly humour, I couldn't imagine enduring one divorce, never mind two! To those of you out there that have had to do this, I tip my hat.

Well, not like, good job, so happy to hear you are divorced. But I mean, for, you know, surviving through it all. Especially if you have children, too, and have to see your asshat of an ex semi-regularly.

All of this feeds my fears about marriage and beh-bees. I am not a religious person (please don't unfollow me, lol), but I feel the need to be married first before having any beh-bees. I need to lock BF in at least THAT much, so it will be a real hassle for him to leave my future-saggy-pimple-covered-stopped-going-to-the-gym-'cause-I'm-married-and-don't-have-to-even-try-anymore ass. Oh, and my beh-bee(s).

Approximation of post-marriage pimply ass.

Wow, I'm getting ahead of myself.

But I fear that, too.

More than a couple of people have told me that people just 'stop trying' after marriage. Jaysus... I don't want that. I need the motivation in the pre-engaged state we are in to keep showering (sometimes) on the weekends. If we're married... hell, maybe I'll go weeks unbathed.

Have to chisel off the lumps, as my dad says. (Which reminds me, I need to dedicate an entire post to all the odd sayings I have learned from my father that I thought were mainstream phrases until I frequently saw the look of confusion on BF and co-workers' faces. I digress).

Celeb couples who have recently bit the dust (or at least recently enough that I remember, or was saddened at some point):

• Sandra Bullock and Jesse James (though he always seemed a little douchey)
• Britney Spears and K-Fed (Whahhh? Not happily ever after forever?)
• Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt? (I am STILL mad at Brad for that one)
• Courtney Cox-Arquette and David Arquette
• HELLOOO? Jim Carey and Jenny McCarthy (that made me so sad)
• Ryan Phillllllipppppe and Reese Witherspoon
• Christina & Jordan
• Patti Stanger and Andy Friedman (She's the Millionaire Matchmaker, people, the light of hope is dwindling...) Okay, they weren't married, but still.
• Heidi Montag and that Spencer Pratt douche.
• A bunch more I've forgotten and am too lazy to google.
• Did Catherine Zeta Jones and the old Douglas break up?

This is sort of the opposite of my point, but the results are still horrifying, nonetheless.

Alrighty... well, I never expected this post to go quite the way it did, but, meh, too lazy to overthink it tonight.



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