Christmas Wrapping Tutorial (Crappy Sound Included At No Additional Cost)

This is for my good Blogger friend, Jess, over at "not your average joan of archetypal patterns", in response to her much better quality, much better video in her post here.

You also get to see the server-waitress-branded outfit from my last post (I opted for a necklace, straight hair, no pink lipstick, and oodles of frizz-taming serum).

I apologize for the horrendous sound. I did try to caption and annotate the video in some places, but it is hard to hear. However my adorable smiling face should be enough to make you want to sacrifice 7 whole minutes of your life, 6 minutes and 59 seconds of which you will never get back.

There are no close ups. Except for my face when I move towards the computer. All in all, a pretty ass-tastic tutorial. But promises are promises, and my taping rampage may help Jess in her quest for less-lumpy Christmas wrapping.

Behold the wonder of built-in laptop microphone and camera:



Consider it my gift to you all. HAHAHAHA. No, seriously, I'm sorry you just lost 7 minutes of your life.

I love you!


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I Look Like A Server - Also, Want To Help The Bloggess?

This is the last of my bleeding heart posts (the last one lost me two followers, for reals).

Jenny, THE BLOGGESS, is co-ordinating stuff here: http://thebloggess.com/?p=9474
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Moving on to other topics...

I bought a new wrap blouse and a high-waisted pencil skirt to wear to my work luncheon. It is one of two Christmas-y sort of dress up things I get to attend this year. They were both on sale (the clothing, not the functions), but I am still having a hard time justifying the buy. But, with all the weight loss, NOTHING FITS. So, I went for it.

BF said I looked great. I tried everything on last night to make sure it fit and I didn't look like a hooker or anything. I actually felt like I rocked it pretty well.

Then I got to the hall. I was the first one there. A client came in and asked me where to put his coat, and if I worked there. FUCK NO, I don't. I work for the engineering firm that invited you here. (And no, I am not an engineer, I am a lowly co-ordinator, but I still do engineery stuff, beeyotch! Yeah, I've been on a swing stage. Many times. EAT THAT, Mr. Client!).

Then I considered the fact that I was wearing a black tank top, white wrap blouse and high-waisted black skirt. Shit. All I needed was a tie and I would have matched the bloody wait staff (okay, they may have been wearing vests, too, I'm not sure).

My co-worker (we'll call him Colleague #1) came in and looked at me. First words out of his mouth? "Oh hey, do you work here? Can you go get me a drink or something? *snickers*".

JACKASS.

So of the 6 people there, 33% pointed out my outfit was very waitress-like. Which is obviously AWESOME because that was the look I was going for when I shelled out the money to actually buy a decent outfit for once. Friggin' awesome.

So more people came in, it was bloody freezing with the door opening so often, chit chat was had, mingling commenced. I smiled and laughed. I was already pissed that my hair was a big 80's pouf-ball disaster (over-diffusing = chia pet). I also added these pretty drop earrings into the mix, which I had originally assumed would be mostly covered by my hair being down. Once I put the sides up to control the pouf factor, I forgot that shit made me look some pink lipstick away from a Poison video. (Surprisingly more like the gentlemen in said video).

Then I wandered to the bar. And one of the three main manager-guys that I always joke around with asked me if I worked there and if I could get him a drink. He had not spoken with Colleague #1.

Fantastic.

So... I should have worn a pair of my ill-fitting pants with a tight belt, some random sweater, and donated the damn money to charity. Also? I get to wear the outfit again and hope no one approaches me and asks for more h'ors d'oeuvres.  (Yes I had to search for the proper spelling of that).  At least at the work function I had a company name tag on. Not at this next event.

Quadruple bonus? I went to the washroom about an hour before everything ended to find that my mascara had somehow morphed onto my upper eyelids, as well as under my eyes. It looked like I had been crying (trust me, I know that look + mascara). It has never happened to me before, but it was the icing on the cake. I looked like the saddest 80's rocker slash waitress slash bartender slash streetwalker this little town ever did have.

"Hi, I'm Stephanie, welcome to the luncheon." (minus the collar)

I blame it on the shitloads of concealer I tried to apply (albeit poorly, and, what's that you say? Blend? I'm not familiar with that... Pancakey make-up is not advisable? Really? Can you double check that? What's that you say? Liquid/cream clearance eyeshadow probably didn't help matters? Hmm. Well, where the hell WERE YOU when I was getting ready?)

Mark that one as a big, fat fail.

Before you all try commenting with soothing "It wasn't that bad" comments, just let me have this one. This monumental moment of semi-confidence to epic fail. Yes, I am sure it wasn't that bad at the end of the day. Whatever.

Fuck it, I'm wearing it out tomorrow night, too. To a RESTAURANT. I'll tempt fate. But maybe I will try to straighten my hair. And not wear dripping eye make-up. And drop earrings. And pink lipstick.

Nah, probably not.

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Top 11 Tips: Become An Awesome Winter Driver

That's right. Look no further for the savviest tips and advice that can turn you from an average driver in the snow, to an awesome winter driver.

Image Credit

• 1. Be certain to never brush the 2 feet of snow accumulated on your car's roof and trunk before leaving your current location. The surrounding drivers on the highway/freeway will be ever-thankful that you let the snow remain so it can blind their vision in a mini-snow squall. You get bonus points if actual, physical chunks of ice and snow fly off your roof into the windshield of the driver behind you, crippling the function of their windshield wipers AND preventing them from seeing you slam on your brakes. 

• 2. Make sure that you have dark, dark, dark tinted windows. Not only does this allow you the pleasure and comfort of picking your own nose without being seen by fellow commuters and pedestrians alike, it is illegal, AND it also allows the driver behind you to see a black wall. So when you are distracted (by picking your nose and admiring your treasure find, or texting in your lap while pretending not to text [also illegal]) and you fail to see the brake lights in front of you, the person behind you will also not be able to see and avert disaster by seeing the brake lights through your glass if you are being an ass and not paying attention.

• 3. If your car is running on horrid black death fumes, be sure to avoid that DriveClean screening, and make sure you are stuck in front of me during stop and go traffic. There's nothing like the smell of diesel-acrid-smoke exhaust coming in the ole dashboard to really soothe my nausea. The earth also says thank you.

• 4. Brake late. Very, very late.

• 5.  If you are in stop and go traffic on the highway, be sure to hit your brakes incessantly/needlessly. Don't bother to just leave a bit of room between you and the car in front of you. Just ride their ass and accelerate like hell (in stop and go traffic) because, clearly, things have miraculously cleared up and now is your chance to burn some rubber. Don't hang back and try to keep a steady pace without the use of your brakes. The domino-brake-effect will make the drivers behind you much, much happier.

• 6.  Change lanes aggressively across snow-tracked lanes. Be sure to fishtail grandiosely. Saving those 3 seconds and/or two car lengths in the stop and go traffic mean the world to you. The rest of us on the road understand. Go forth, and lane change.

Yeah, just like that....     Image Credit

• 7.  If you want in the lane beside you, troll the line and nearly hit the car beside you. Since it is stop and go, and there is no where for them to go, this will surely give them the hint. It won't scare them, certainly, and will be much more effective than using your car's signals. Good on ya.

• 8.  If some fool hearty moron is leaving some room between them and the car in front, and not hammering their brakes incessantly, be sure that you help close that gap by referring to #6, and #5. They will thank you later, if not immediately.

• 9.  Be sure to flick any and all cigarettes, cigarette butts and garbage out your window once traffic has increased speed enough to send said contents into the open window of the car behind you. Why was their window open? To bring some fresh air in from tip #3.

• 10.  Be sure to never let anyone change lanes/enter your lane if their lane obviously ends soon, or let anyone over if there is an exit ramp nearby. This point is emphasized if you are aware that they have out-of-province license plates and are clearly not familiar with the roadways. 

• 11.  Finally, above all else, ignore 1 through 10, asshat.

Image Credit - Funny blog, too!

Yes, I know bullet points and numbering is redundant, but you can't double space with numbering alone. Also, did you know Blogger doesn't recognize the term "texting"?

Oh, and me? Most definitely:

Image Credit, but all right reserved by/owned by the Comedy Network, The Daily Show

That is all.


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