First off...
What
motherfucker asshat sadist person invented the standard domestic aeroplane seat? I beg you for the answer (What??!? YES, I
AM too lazy to google it. Plus there is probably more than one
motherfucker asshat sadist inventor).
I mean:
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| Approximation of me in a seated position. Yes, my posture needs work, shaaaadddap. |
While I do not boast to have perfect posture, this is the general idea of my body shape while seated. Now place what you see above into an airline seat:
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| Headrest, why do you angle out? Why? WHY GODDAMMIT?!??! |
Astute readers will see that my smile has been turned into a frown. My already poor neck posture has now been forced to jut forward in an uncomfortable forced-forward positioning. I am roughly 5'-7.5".
Yes I said roughly, and measured to a half inch. Enough sass out of you, okay? I always have this weird hollow space where it seems like there should be
some kind of neck support, or at least a headrest that is not trying to force my face into business class (although, that would mean my mouth could maybe get some mimosas or free Pringles, so maybe I am going about this all wrong...).
And before you say it, NO, those stupid travel pillows do nothing to help my tyrannosaurus-like neck and posture. They simply induce more rage.
Moving on...
Things get even more enjoyable when you factor in the inevitable:
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| The douche in front of me: The untold story of Stephanie C. |
I always, ALWAYS, ALWAYS get someone in front of me who irritates the piss out of me. As soon as they sit down, I feel the crush into my knees as their butt pushes the seat into me. I try to re-position myself, but my neck position still leaves me somewhere between
"Christ this really feels awkward" to
"If I don't get off this mothereffin' plane in 5 mothereffin' minutes, I am going to have to hog tie the person in front of me to the bathroom door hinges, then run laps up and down the aisles to shed some of this crazy off of me". (Hey, at least I gave you a range).
Now... have I mentioned what always occurs? What is the ultimate catalyst to my ever-pissy state during a flight? Can you guess? Yes? No? Too bad. It's this:
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| You may notice his over-sized shit-eating grin. And my immediate claustrophobia kicking into to DEF CON 8. |
The person in front of me
fully reclines their seat back, without fail. I've been on the shit end of this stick about 98% of the time. The other 2% you ask? Ahhh, that was the last flight back from Winnipeg when I was lucky enough to get an exit row seat WITH NO SEAT IN FRONT OF ME. Christmas indeed came early for me.
To everyone out there: Don't be an a-hole. How much would you like the seat in front of you being an inch from your face? I don't care if the person in front of you is doing it. It doesn't mean we have to create an
asshole domino effect. I FUCKING HATE IT, and my guess is that about 99% of the general population also does.
The best part? When it happened to me this Friday, while trying to sleep with my head propped in my lap (because the neck thing was just too awkward), and the fucker in front of me bashed me in the head. Apparently, upon his first three attempts to recline his seat, he did not push the button, he just tried pushing the seat back like a bloody Lay-Z-Boy recliner.
Upon attempt #4, not only did he successfully decipher the secret-reclining code of
pushing the release button, but he also used his full body-force to
throw his seat back.
Directly into my head.
With full force.
And complete contact.
I lifted my head and slammed his headrest with my hands out of sheer rage. He didn't even notice.
I should have pulled my head back faster when I could feel him unsuccessfully rocking to and fro in his seat. I distantly anticipated what was coming, but was just drowsy enough not to escape the brain adjustment he so kindly dispensed in his need to recline.
Want to take a short, terrifying peek into approximately 45 seconds of my life while on a plane? Air Canada and Westjet, I'm looking at you. (Also? Too bad, I'm sharing it anyway):
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This is your brain on drugs during intense air-rage-claustrophobia with an asshole in front of you and no room to breathe. [May or may not include exaggeration for blogging purposes] |
"Please ensure your
tray and seatback are in their upright and locked position"
during take-off and landing FOR THE WHOLE FLIGHT, please. And imagine that in French, for a second, more irritating reinforcement.
I once had a guy recline his seat all the way back, just to lean forward and sleep on his tray table. For the WHOLE 4.5 hour flight. There was a short woman behind me who was easily over 300 lbs, who was terribly, uncomfortably squished into her own seat all on her own... so her knees were already digging into my seat back (though I stayed upright the entire flight). A bonus? My headset didn't work and my MP3 player was dead, so I got to sit like an accordion, bored out of my mind and too cramped to read for 4.5 hours.
Merry Christmas / Happy Holidays / Generic Applicable Greeting For Upcoming Celebrations Too Lengthy To List Individually, and I truly hope your flying experiences are better than mine. Or that at least one of us gets lounge access first to drink the pain away.
So who designed that damn head rest anyway?
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