Thursday, December 23, 2010

The Joy of Air Travel

First off...

What  motherfucker  asshat  sadist  person invented the standard domestic aeroplane seat? I beg you for the answer (What??!? YES, I AM too lazy to google it. Plus there is probably more than one motherfucker  asshat  sadist inventor).

I mean:

Approximation of me in a seated position. Yes, my posture needs work, shaaaadddap.

While I do not boast to have perfect posture, this is the general idea of my body shape while seated. Now place what you see above into an airline seat:

Headrest, why do you angle out? Why? WHY GODDAMMIT?!??!

Astute readers will see that my smile has been turned into a frown. My already poor neck posture has now been forced to jut forward in an uncomfortable forced-forward positioning. I am roughly 5'-7.5". Yes I said roughly, and measured to a half inch. Enough sass out of you, okay? I always have this weird hollow space where it seems like there should be some kind of neck support, or at least a headrest that is not trying to force my face into business class (although, that would mean my mouth could maybe get some mimosas or free Pringles, so maybe I am going about this all wrong...).

And before you say it, NO, those stupid travel pillows do nothing to help my tyrannosaurus-like neck and posture. They simply induce more rage.

Moving on...

Things get even more enjoyable when you factor in the inevitable:

The douche in front of me: The untold story of Stephanie C.

I always, ALWAYS, ALWAYS get someone in front of me who irritates the piss out of me. As soon as they sit down, I feel the crush into my knees as their butt pushes the seat into me. I try to re-position myself, but my neck position still leaves me somewhere between "Christ this really feels awkward" to "If I don't get off this mothereffin' plane in 5 mothereffin' minutes, I am going to have to hog tie the person in front of me to the bathroom door hinges, then run laps up and down the aisles to shed some of this crazy off of me". (Hey, at least I gave you a range).

Now... have I mentioned what always occurs? What is the ultimate catalyst to my ever-pissy state during a flight? Can you guess? Yes? No? Too bad. It's this:

You may notice his over-sized shit-eating grin. And my immediate claustrophobia kicking into to DEF CON 8.

The person in front of me fully reclines their seat back, without fail. I've been on the shit end of this stick about 98% of the time. The other 2% you ask? Ahhh, that was the last flight back from Winnipeg when I was lucky enough to get an exit row seat WITH NO SEAT IN FRONT OF ME. Christmas indeed came early for me.

To everyone out there: Don't be an a-hole. How much would you like the seat in front of you being an inch from your face? I don't care if the person in front of you is doing it. It doesn't mean we have to create an asshole domino effect. I FUCKING HATE IT, and my guess is that about 99% of the general population also does.

The best part? When it happened to me this Friday, while trying to sleep with my head propped in my lap (because the neck thing was just too awkward), and the fucker in front of me bashed me in the head. Apparently, upon his first three attempts to recline his seat, he did not push the button, he just tried pushing the seat back like a bloody Lay-Z-Boy recliner.

Upon attempt #4, not only did he successfully decipher the secret-reclining code of pushing the release button, but he also used his full body-force to throw his seat back.
Directly into my head.
With full force.
And complete contact.

I lifted my head and slammed his headrest with my hands out of sheer rage. He didn't even notice.

I should have pulled my head back faster when I could feel him unsuccessfully rocking to and fro in his seat. I distantly anticipated what was coming, but was just drowsy enough not to escape the brain adjustment he so kindly dispensed in his need to recline.

Want to take a short, terrifying peek into approximately 45 seconds of my life while on a plane? Air Canada and Westjet, I'm looking at you. (Also? Too bad, I'm sharing it anyway):

This is your brain on drugs during intense air-rage-claustrophobia with an asshole in front of you and no room to breathe. [May or may not include exaggeration for blogging purposes]

"Please ensure your tray and seatback are in their upright and locked position" during take-off and landing FOR THE WHOLE FLIGHT, please. And imagine that in French, for a second, more irritating reinforcement.

I once had a guy recline his seat all the way back, just to lean forward and sleep on his tray table. For the WHOLE 4.5 hour flight. There was a short woman behind me who was easily over 300 lbs, who was terribly, uncomfortably squished into her own seat all on her own... so her knees were already digging into my seat back (though I stayed upright the entire flight). A bonus? My headset didn't work and my MP3 player was dead, so I got to sit like an accordion, bored out of my mind and too cramped to read for 4.5 hours.

Merry Christmas / Happy Holidays / Generic Applicable Greeting For Upcoming Celebrations Too Lengthy To List Individually, and I truly hope your flying experiences are better than mine. Or that at least one of us gets lounge access first to drink the pain away.

So who designed that damn head rest anyway?

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  1. yeah. in 2.2 days i am going to have to do this. i am not excited about it. in fact, you could say i am the exact opposite of excited about it.
    also? i'm so short that the jutting out head rest kind of hangs over my head, further adding to the claustrophobic box effect already in play from the small personal area, pricking behind you digging their knees into your back and fuck-face in front of you pushing their seat back.

    happy/merry/joyous festive day you may/may not celebrate!


    you need one of these. mostly because it will make you look like Supreme Asshole.

  3. this is why i don't fly, until the day come where i can afford first class,,, i'll drive a mother f*ing car...

  4. Those who are anti-fat?

  5. Hah! So true, and magnify it for me at 6'2" (in the morning.)


  6. *jess - good luck, girl, may the force be with you. I never even thought about the over-the-head factor. I hope it goes as smoothly as possible. Merry Christmas!

    *You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... - that is so awesome, I cannot even begin to count the ways! If there was more time, that baby'd be on my Christmas list! HA! I bet the flight attendants all LOVE people with those... thanks for sharing!!!

    *AmberLaShell - never ever been on a plane? I envy you! And it's so true - first class is the only way to go. I was upgraded once due to BF's points program status (and them overselling economy class) and I saw what it was like on 'the other side'. Pretty damn sweet. I think everyone else in first class was wondering how that little hobo girl got in there (me).

    *The Phoenix Rising - a ha! An answer! You could be right... the anti-fat and anti-neck & lumbar support people! BASTARDS!

    *V-Tom - does that mean the jutting head rest then at least supports your neck? Or does it screw you taller folk, too? BF is in the same boat, but rarely seems to have a recliner in front of him (knock on wood).

  7. yep that is really good air travel..have a merry christmas and next just kick the seat

  8. I don't think I have the issue with the headrest (but think that when you next fly you ask for a pillow and sit on it as it might help you get your neck up a bit.)

    In my case I simply don't have enough room. My knees are often against the seat-backs, there isn't really enough width for my butt, my shoulder might be against the person beside me, and my elbows don't really fit in my seat space. Add arthritis and muscle craps to the mix and it often does feel like torture. I think that I have an idea of what someone might feel like being stuck in an "Iron Maiden".


  9. I measure in at 6'3" and I don't have the neck thing going on, but my knees are screwed. I feel like Amber, unless I can afford first class I have no plans on flying.

  10. They need to make planes for peeps over 5'-7". And yes, that is my desired cut off because I am juuuuuust over that!


  11. Imagine this multiplied over a 12 hour flight to Japan, followed by another 6 hour flight to Thailand. When we finally arrived in Bangkok I was curled in the fetal position like a POW in solitary confinement, rocking back and forth and whimpering. The flight attendants had to carry me off the plane.

    OK, not really, but I came THIS close.

    Nothing makes me feel more stabby than air travel. I am forced to fly > 50K miles per year for work. I think it has taken years off of my life. Now I cope with Tylenol PM, antidepressants, and meditation. If that doesn't work, add Scotch.

  12. I feel your pain, though it is funny as hell the way you put it. Do you ever wonder if someone like that has any clue that you are using the whole flight to plot their demise?

  13. ...Makes me glad I travelled by car. :-P

    (Happy New Year!)

    -Barb the French Bean

  14. *Tom G. - my sympathies. Also? Scotch, scotch, scotch, and some scotch.

    *Krissy - why thank ye. Thanks for commenting. I will check out your blog when I am sober once again. And no, they have nooooooo idea I am plotting their death by stale pretzel, I am sure.

    *Barb the French Bean - you are a smart lady, and you have proven that once again. Happy new year to you as well!!!

    To everyone!!!!!


I get far too excited when new comments come in here...