OhMyFreakin'Goodness!

I go off for a week to be violently ill, function minimally in society, fear coming into work late and working only when able to get out of the house....

and you awesome people continue to read and follow!

I was all secretly, eagerly anticipating the 50-follower mark (what, you VALIDATE me *say it like Dr. Evil*)

Thanks to everyone for your continued support. It's been a rough week and there are several more ahead, but your comments, interaction and support are awesome!

If you haven't read my most recent adventure, read about it here. Pin It Now!

Sparkling Clean Colon?

WARNING: The following post is not intended to be viewed by anyone with class, anyone who is easily offended, or by those who do not appreciate toilet humour. That is all.


Not only am I on my way to a sparkling clean colon, I may opt in to the buff and wax, and THAT, my friends, will surely be a treat after all this... purging (so to speak).

MY MISSION: (should I choose to accept it): ... And I quote, "pass a bowel movement clear enough to read a book through". (Gotta love the doctor's honesty).


MY METHODOLOGY: Take laxatives and drink 4 litres of the equivalent of Mr. Clean All-Purpose Bowel cleaner, but with a vanilla-over-chemical-over-salt flavouring. (See steph, see how I used litres with an "re" and flavouring with an 'ou'? I am soooo Canadian, eh?) 

MY ADVICE:

• Do not, under any circumstance, think you can work for any amount of time during this process. You + Your Toilet = BFFs forever.
• Wear elastic waisted pants. Pants with ties (which are the only kind that fit these days, unless a belt is involved, which only adds additional hurtles to overcome on my way to the facilities) can severely inhibit your ability to drop trou in sufficient time.

Your enemy on this quest.      (Image Credit)

• Do not disillusion yourself with the idea you can pass gas at ANY point after you start the liquid. The key word here is liquid. It's ALL liquid from here, baby.
• Do not think you can "live blog" and update. You will accomplish nothing but fits, starts, and sharts.
• 250 mL is a goddamn lot to drink every 10 minutes. Instructions read "you may feel nausea or a feeling of fullness."... 4 litres in my stomach? Yes... full and nauseous is an understatement, you pricks.
• Despite the fact you drink 250 mL SIXTEEN FREAKIN' TIMES, please realize this is not a delicious drink, and please, for the love of all things not disgusting, don't suckle/siphon in the liquid from your upper lip after chugging your chemical-liquid-poo-inducing mixture. It still tastes awful. It's not like chugging Coke. So... just... don't.
• Don't describe the colour transitions of your "adventures" to your BF. He will not be interested and may, in fact, be severely repulsed. He may leave the house. He may not return.
• Don't forget to use the stove timer to remember to drink the horrid shit-liquid every 10 minutes. Be sure to curse and comment every ten minutes how quickly that last ten minutes just passed. Even if it is only to yourself and your dog since your BF has vacated the premises.
• Suppress, with every living cell in your being, the urge to vomit, or you will be back to the pharmacy getting more Mr. Clean - Bowel Edition. And drinking more than 4 litres. (You DO NOT WANT. Trust me).
• Remember which line you are drinking to (it's not that hard, there are only 4). I think I doubled up twice, by accident, because I couldn't keep that simple rule straight.
• Turn up the furnace, put on a hat/toque/balaclava. Add another sweater and a hood. Put on slippers, as long as they do not impede your ability to sprint to the washroom. You will be shivering due to large amounts of cold liquid, huge amounts of loss of bodily contents, and dehydration onset. Stay warm, my friends.
• Do treat yourself you the most luxe toilet paper available on the market (I say this should apply any day). Your butt will thank you big time.

So sooooooothing.       (Image Credit)

•  Damnitalltothell... timer is going off again... 2 more cups to go....

What nightmares are made of.

My colon better damn well sparkle after all this. The doctor had best be blinded by the shiny reflection, or else I will be PISSED when I wake from the anesthetic.

______________________________________________
 Colon cleansing at its best.

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Two New Blog Awards!

So I assume other people are bored when I post about blog awards gifted to me by other bloggers, but when other people who write similarly and think similarly want to give me props for my humble little obsession, it really makes me quite happy.

First -

THANKS STEPH!!!

I was honoured with this award by Steph Gas at it's never too late to save a hopeless case.

She wrote, and I quote:

"i'm passing this one on to stephaniec who writes seriously?? reeeally? seriously?.  not only is she honest with us, but i think stephc is pretty honest with herself on that blog.  plus?  she has THE BEST NAME."

Wicked awesome, you made my day!

Also,

THANKS JESS!

I think it stands for "I Don't Give A Flinstone"

I was given this fine and stylish award by jess over at not your average joan of archetypal patterns.

She wrote, and I quote:

"For those of you keeping count (so, me.) this would be blog award number 2 for me! The first came from Seriously?...Reeeally?...Seriously? (I was supposed to pass that one on, but I cracked under the pressure!)

So, because she forgave me for not passing on her award, and because she rocks and speaks her mind, I am returning the love, and passing the IDGAF award to her.  Rock on, my Canadian blogger friend! Rock.  On."

I will need to figure out what rules there are (if any) and who I will pass these along to. I will post more later.

Thank you, lovely ladies. I like to think I generally don't hold back, but there are downsides to that. I think you are both more honest than I am, but I am working towards really embracing this stuff and blogging as honestly (and humorously) as I can. 

One thing is for sure - I won't hold back on making fun of myself. Would my therapist  BF  friends approve? Likely not. But some of that shizz is just too good not to post. lol. I have to laugh at myself. Especially before someone else does first. HA!

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