Clearance Minded

So I'm overdue. For a post. A POST people, I am not having any beh-bees or anything.

You know how I knew I should just at least post something? Because... wait for it... you won't believe it... BF said he kept checking and there wasn't a new post up. (WTF??) He usually only reads when forced and/or under duress.

So I had a few ideas in my mind. I've forgotten them all. Wicked. Instead, you get this.

Here's the deal. Yesterday, I went to the mall because I had a 30% off coupon for Old Navy. At least I feel sort of normal there. I glance at the regular priced merchandise, pick out a thing or two that I fancy (did I just say 'fancy' and mean it?) then I beeline it to the clearance section.

That's right. I'll admit it. The front of the store gets in my way. I do the walk/saunter/limp of shame to the back, where all the young, skinny-jean and Ugg wearing 16 year old Naviers roll their eyes because I am looking through "last season's" garb.

See? I practically saved as much as I spent. So.... it's like it zeroes itself out, sorta. Like net zero. Okay, not really.

Does some of it fit? Yes.
Most of it doesn't. But you know what? For the right price/discount, I'll make that shit fit. I'll buy three of them.

What's that? I'm not a size L? No... But IT'S $1.97! Minus 30%! Plus another 30% reduction!! How could I say no?

Logic? I'm sorry what did you just say? What is logic? I'm talking a serious sale bitches! It doesn't matter if it is fuchsia and XXL. It's only $2. I can paint in it (you know, in case I make a mess or something), or sleep in it. (Poor BF, I know... another day, another post).

How true it is... how true it is     (Photo Credit)

Last weekend I went to the GAP to get jeans that fit me. WHOA. They have redesigned it since I shopped for pleasure (what are we at now, about a year and a half of illness? sounds about right). I felt like your friendly neighbourhood GAP was all haute couture or something. It took me an eternity to find the sale section. And I feel incomplete unless I have fully scanned the sale section. (Unfortunately, BF was with me and had to endure this).

The sales clerks could tell I was "one of them". Having worked in the retail industry, I know how pushy a clerk is supposed to be. But not to me. They cud tell I wuz small beens and weren't thar to shop for denim coveralls at full price! Heck naw!

We are better than you. Go away.

THE MOTHER has taught me a great many things, and getting a good deal is one that I have eagerly and wholeheartedly adopted for myself.

Winners/T.J. Maxx/Ross Dress For Less = Jizz in my pants or, rather, jizz in my pants (NSFW?).

THE MOTHER, my sister and I have driven three hours across the border, paid toll charges, paid in American dollars with a crap exchange rate and gone to some of the stores IN SEARCH OF THE DEAL.

It's a sickness, but at least it is genetic and I am not alone in it.

It's funny because while I generally refuse to pay more for something than it is worth, I won't hesitate to overspend on gifts for other people. Or travel.

It's either
A) I see the value in myself as that of something on the clearance rack
B) I just really love a good deal and was raised that way
or
C) I don't know. Just seemed like there should be another option.

QUANTITY OVER QUALITY, BABY!!

I intended to buy clothes that fit my body right now, since I kinda look like a bag lady at times, at work. Oh well, I started with good intentions. Now I have more clothes in size large. Awesome. I also return shit like crazy, so....

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Copycat Post

Hi Y'all!

I was snooping around Jumble Mash's (Mashes?) Blog and saw this post and thought I would be a shit and copy cat (with a shout out with love). Jumble seems to have also shouted to Leigh at her corner of the interwebs.

So, without further ado, a list post:

{1.} do you collect anything? if so, what and how long have you been collecting?

 I used to collect anything Scooby Doo, but once BF and I started living in sin, he quickly made it apparent that he was not a fan of bedding/oversized stuffed animals/figurines/tacky shit with Scooby Doo on it.

 I collected from about 1995 to 2007.

I bet the culprit was Old Man Withers BF, who lives down by the "haunted" mansion!

{2.} what is one cleaning tip that you swear by?

Is this question a joke? Do you know I did dishes last night that had been there since THANKSGIVING, i.shit.you.not. They weren't really dirty, but I hate cleaning. BF would probably say my tip to swear by is "leave it long enough and someone else will be so repulsed they will clean it instead". So... yeah.

{3.} who would you call for bail money?

My beloved sugar daddy  uh fine piece of ass I mean BF, of course. If he was away, then THE MOTHER would bail my ass out, stat.

{4.} what is one thing you miss about being a kid?

Not feeling ashamed of who I am. Nope... wait, I felt that then, too. Ummm. how about, playing Barbies? Slutty Barbies. 

Or seeing your parents in super-duper-awesome health and knowing they know EVERYTHING in the world and can fix ANY problem. 

Hi there, seven year olds should play with me.

{5.} name a few of your guilty pleasures.

Gorging on mini-chocolate bars   free online porn   singing Rock Band 2 until the wee hours of the morning   checking my blog stats obsessively (Why?? Dunno.)   sleeping in until noon on Saturdays   drinking an entire bottle of red on a Friday night, alone at times   I can't think of a good answer to this one, I really don't have any guilty pleasures. Sorry.

What? No, I didn't make these a few months ago on the Rock Band take-a-photo-of-your-character online tool. No, I wouldn't do that.... *shifts awkwardly from foot to foot*

{6.} how early do you start your holiday shopping?

Well, before you all hate me and leave me, be warned I have a very bah-humbug-esque post that I have been mentally drafting. That being said, I leave things late, my father always buys himself what he wants beforehand, my niece and nephew get awesome shit I can't justify buying for them (from the grandparents) and I HATE crowded malls. More specifically, mall parking lots. So... very late. And often online.

{7.} what is a family tradition that you would like to pass on to your significant other/children?

Giving the family dog his or her new bone/stuffed animal on Christmas morning, so they are a part of the festivities. Beyond that, sadly I don't know. 

Christmas morning, 2008, with Scooby Doo

{8.} what do you consider your greatest achievement?

As I commented on Jumble's blog...I have no good answer for this one. I feel like I have yet to achieve great things, which saddens me, as I have no plan in place. Actually you know what? Forget that! I CHANGED MY MIND! I was a fantastic mom to my fur-baby, Scooby Doo (a real, live dog), for 13.5 years. She was my world and I loved her with every inch of my being, so I would say - being Scooby and Mr. Grey's mom. They are gone now, and I miss them.

{9.} what do you do to pamper yourself?

Pamper? Hot Epsom salt bath with a frivolous magazine (that actually usually pisses me off because of the fluffy, bullshit content, but... that never seems to stop me). Other than that, I suppose pay too much to get my "hair did" at the salon, but I have long hair, so not much choice.

{10.} if you were to start your own restaurant, what would it be called?

Miserable-Tasteless-Probably-Burnt-Depressing-Gluten-Free-Vegan-No-Nuts/Coconuts/Soy Restaurant. It'd be a hit with the University vegan crowd, and maybe the Emo [EDIT: hipster] crowd. I would serve rice pasta with bland tomato sauce, organic brown rice cakes with organic hummus, and provide an apology letter for the quality and taste with every receipt.

How about you guys? Do the list and post your link in the comments. Also, feel free to tell me how awesome my theft post was. Thanks. *emphasizes sarcasm*

Outtake: Schultz wanted some massive Scooby stuffing action.

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Blogger... You Piss Me Off

Reasons Blogger pisses me off? There are lots. Also? I have realized I hate a lot of things (outside of Blogger).

Also? I am copying jess’ writing style. Obviously.

1. If I said "I don't want any chocolate", you would check for fever and perhaps institutionalize me. If I said "I don't want squid", then I would assume you would listen to me and not give me squid. When Blogger asks me and I say "Don't track my page views" I would assume that would hold true. I click on a link to review. Goddamn page hit counts in the counter. I said DON'T track!
2. This is check-able by reviewing which post was being looked at. Thanks Blogger. Thanks for counting me in my stats. I am my biggest obsessed fucking fan so now I am messing with my own stats.
3. If I am in the comments box, replying to my awesome readers, and accidentally click their name when copying or scrolling (what, I am clutsy and have a Great Dane who pokes my arms while I type), I lose my entire damn comment while going to their profile page. Can't you temp-autosave my comment, too? Let the back button work and magically have text re-appear?
4. Why are the widgets so damn big? The text is so freakin' huge. I am mildly retarded and unable to modify this. I am also too cheap to pay someone to design this site (because no one cares about it THAT much). Let me RESIZE, mahfackkars.
5. I blame you for my inability to write code, or use more than bold or italics tags in html. I blame you for my lack of funny content. I blame you for my lack of legions of followers. I also blame you for my recent weight gain, my lack of good photo editing software, and this funny rash on my chin.
6. Also, what's this rumour I hear about you and weapons of mass destruction. Hmmmm? 
7. EDIT - I also hate your word "captchas". I feel like I am elderly and going blind while tripping on acid. Seriously... is the warped text really going to trick "spammers"? Prevent auto-word-captcha-filling? On this little blog? Whatever. I disabled that shit. Unless a person has a load of followers and is spammed hardcore, who needs that word verification shit? Hmmmm? HMMMMM?

What pisses you, my fellow bloggers, off with Blogger? How do you deal?

That is all.

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