Saturday, May 14, 2011

Recumbent Bike From Hell

I have a feeling that when I say I don't care much for exercise, I am not alone.

I mean, don't get me wrong... I know it's really good for me, I want to maintain a  somewhat  not-really-even-close  pretend  healthy body, it's crucial to my well being, and I  DO  don't want to exist as a couch potato.

But it's SO HARD to motivate myself to exercise. The 30-Day Shred has now become the 90-Day Shred (every third day... you do the math! HA!). It's almost approaching the 120-Day-I-Exercise-Sporadically-Not-Quite-"Shred".

I have a wedding dress I must fit in to, but I hear the Hershey Eggies and Cadbury Mini Eggs calling my name. The Bulk Barn had me on a watch list.

So I decide to mosey on down to a little hole-in-the-wall gym.

It's desolate. It has random tables throughout. It has some ancient gym equipment.

And two recumbent bikes (what, don't judge, a regular bike is NOT a woman's friend. It hurts the junk. There, I said it).

NORMAL person recumbent exercise biking? riding? cycling.

I get my gym gear on. I try to do some Jillian Michaels' warm-up moves by memory. Big muscle-y dudes are watching and judging me. I fail with my memory recall, and half-ass my moves.

I am quite certain I look like I am mildly challenged.

So not PC, but yet, so accurate.

I proceed to the recumbent bike, I get on, adjust the seat.... and find there are no fucking foot straps to hold my feet in.

Seriously?... REALLY?

Who presents so much of a threat to themselves and a gym's insurance policy, that they require restraint-less foot pedals on a bike that doesn't have direct downward gravity on its side?

For once, not me.

For the next 35 minutes, I struggle to keep my feet from flying off the foot pedals.

I was water bottle-less, watching eleventeen year olds silently batting eyes at each other and holding hands on a muted television tuned to MTV, while they pumped 106.1 K-Lite FM radio in the background.

The soundtrack to my workout?

Kissed By A Rose, by Seal.


With a little more "light hits from the 80s, 90s and today" and a little less cowbell/enthusiasm/interest. And slightly less feathers.

This is why I hate exercising.

That is all.


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  1. Would I be a disgrace if I said I actually own a recumbent cycle and not a real bicycle? I don't even go to the gym. I don't even walk out the door. Eliminate that part of the exercise. Well, at least it eliminates the awkwardness of other, much more fit people visually scanning me as I pretend I know what I'm doing while I'm stretching. I mean, my mom and dad can visually scan, but they have less of an idea what I'm doing, so it's not as awkward. LOL! Real bicycles do hurt!! And they make me have asthma much worse than the recumbent ones. Really! But mine has footstraps. My dad got angry when I had to move it forward so that my feet could reach the pedals, but I'm short!! What can I say to that? I'll make sure to exercise more so I become tall enough to reach the pedals? lol.

    Walking is good exercise too. You might look up some stuff online if going to the gym is too awkward. There are all kinds of sites out there with different fitness suggestions, I'm sure you can find something. Wishing you luck

  2. You had me at feet flying off the pedals...
    Btw, "Kiss from a rose" is a stones throw away from making it into my all time, top 5, songs that make me want to commit murder list

  3. sounds like a really motivating place to be..not.
    Gotta wonder about the Big Muscly Dudes that were loving the Seal music there..could be they were not the slightest bit interested in watching you warm up

  4. Funny post, no offense, awkwardness makes us feel young again! When I feel like exercising I just lay down till the feeling goes away!

  5. Gyms should never play easy listening.. gym music should get you pumped.. like punk rock, or speed metal or even dare I say hip-hop or club music.

    Gah. yes, I did just say that.

    and oh good.. I was worried that the whole bike-riding crotch-hurt was just me being too fat-assed for my bike.

    I've seen people with outdoor, travelling, recumbent bikes and they seem kind of neat.

  6. When I actually used to go to the gym, I'd see all the people on the recumbent bikes. I'd be huffing and puffing on the elliptical, sweat pouring off of me, and they'd be cycling while calmly reading magazines. It puzzled me. Either I was woefully out of shape or recumbent cycling is not real exercise.

  7. i prefer to put my alcohol up on a high shelf and the glasses down low and get my exercise that way...

    stretching and bending...

    then switch the glass from hand to hand as i raise it to my lips!

    i just decided to eat less...and hence can exercise less..

  8. @♥α§ђ£ε¥™♥ - Yes, you MUST grow your legs longer. It's the only answer. ;-) I just slugged it out to a Jillian Michaels DVD. It works for me, I just have to DO IT.

    @D'Artagnan - Trust me, I was feeling uber-cranky. Dangerous levels of crank were involved. Damn Seal and his gorgeous wife.

    @Mynx - Quite possibly. But there was quite the range. The music started ok, then got worse and worse. Then again... they WERE all slapping each other on the ass...

    @Bushman - Sage advice that I will remember. lol.

  9. @Yandie, Goddess of Pickles. - I'd prefer just about any kind of music, as long as it was fast and loud. I need the motivation to keep my ass movin'! And yeah, I hate riding regular bikes. Just can't.

    @Stacey - It's really all about exertion. I pedal my ass off and vary my technique to use more of my glutes, then more of my quads, then calves, etc. There's NO way I can read. I've also seen people go leisurely on the elliptical. I think it's all about how hard you're working, no matter what the equipment or weight.

    I remember hearing a trainer say that using the elliptical will get you good at using the elliptical. Made me chuckle.

    @bruce - Sounds like you have it all figured out! Perhaps a motivational speaking tour is in your near future? ;-)

  10. I also forgot to mention last night that I gave you an award in my most recent blog Here ...

  11. Thank you for saying that regular bicycles hurt women. Finally someone said it out loud.

  12. You're not alone. It's not that I hate exercising, it's just that I have no motivation. We have a wide selection of Wii and Kinect, yet I can never seem to find time to use them. Considering I've gained enough weight that my clothes are uncomfortable, you'd think I'd get a clue....

  13. I use the gym here at work (once or twice a year if you're counting) and the people are used to my ineptness with moving things. I think Bruce has the right idea here.

  14. You are so funny! There was not one single part of this post I did not love! I was especially fond though of the pic where you wrote "I didn't have that crucial water bottle!" And Seal? I do love that song, but I don't imagine you were peddling too fast. You're brilliant!

  15. So...I guess I won't be hiring you as my personal trainer. It's probably for the best because I'm really sleepy anyway.

  16. Oy, I HATE working out, especially now when I don't have enough time to read/write as it is, and then hitting the gym takes another chunk of time that I could have used!

    I know why you couldn't get that bottle of water to come to you though. You were trying to do it with telepathy, and you need TELEKINESIS instead to move things with your mind.

    Here I'll show you.

    Did you feel that? I just poked your side WITH MY MIND!!!!

  17. I feel like an idiot at the gym, too. I actually started running because I just refuse to go to the gym. REFUSE.

    Of course, I look like an idiot running, but at least I can pretend no one is watching me.

  18. Love the artwork, especially the owl pumping iron!! Luckily no more chocolate based holidays for awhile.

  19. I hope you don't really, really hate getting awards...because I have two of them for you over at my place.

  20. Your version of the motivational poster is the best ever. I may just have to print that and hang it up. I belly laughed...a mighty feat for today. Its just one of those days.

    In fact, I'm going to scroll back up and just look again. Its that funny.

  21. @♥α§ђ£ε¥™♥ - Thanks!

    @Chris - Hurts like a mofo. Also? Horseback riding!

    @On My Soapbox - It's just so easy NOT to...

    @George - Perhaps we can concoct a type of exercise that requires no movement/moving things?

    @Sandra - Whoa, now, all that nice stuff is going to give me a big ego. Thanks for all the praise. I soak it up like a sponge. (Or a sweat towel at the gym).

  22. @jacqui - That made me laugh out loud. As your honorary non-trainer, I recommend a nap, immediately.

    @Katsidhe - First, OW, second, dammit, I knew I wasn't using the correct terminology! I need TELEKINESIS!

    @Storm. Kat Storm. - I hate running more than I hate looking like that owl. So the owl it is for me. But kudos to you!

    @Anonymous - I won't reveal your name, or let anyone know you were with me on the trips to the bulk store to buy copious amounts of Mini Eggs. Love you.

    @jacqui - Ooooooooh shiny things!!

    @Daffy - Aww, I hope you mean that. I laughed when I drew it, and I'm miserable, so I figured there had to be SOME value in it. lol.

  23. Unfortunately I was never the "athletic type" either...and it definitely shows when I go to my friend's gym. I have also tried to use a recumbent bike with little I just keep to basic weight lifting from home and nightly runs.

  24. @Beth - Hi Beth, I appreciate your candor. Thanks for commenting. I still HATE running. ;)

    Are you real or are you a bot? You've linked to a fitness website, but your Blogger profile is not accessible. If you could reply to this comment to confirm you are real, that would be great, otherwise I may delete the comment if it is only promo spam.


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