So, not sure if I mentioned this to anyone, but I am getting married in less than 3 weeks.
Ya know, no biggie. It's not like I am the stressing-type. /sarcasm font
So I moseyed ("mosey-ed"?) on down to the local Home Outfitters to add some stuff to the registry. You know, some reasonable kitchen crap instead of the overpriced pots and pans.
Holy shit.
Want to feel inadequate in the kitchen? Roam the stemware aisle (that's, like, fancy glasses and wine goblets and the like. You know, gold chalices. What every household needs. Like cowbell. MORE MORE MORE).
Want to feel inept in food preparation? Glance at the food combustion/chopping/processing/flame-throwing Cuisinarts. Read their boxes and STILL walk away perplexed at their actual purpose.
Want to feel overwhelmed? Try selecting JUUUUST THE RIGHT garlic peeler and press. Out of 20. All overpriced and looking similar to what I assume torture devices look like.
Then I come across the devices designed for the ridiculously lazy. Or those phallic plastic banana cases. $7... really? I think I will just take the extreme risk of a bruised banana. I'm crazy like that.
Strap sheets to "ensure your bedsheets stay attractively flat". Yeah, um, there may or may not be dog pee currently on my bedsheets right now. That are half off the bed. I think I'm fine without the straps.
And don't even get me STARTED on the Martha Stewart shit out there. Soon enough she'll have suppositories and lubricant. (What?!? She WAS in prison, folks, regardless of her ridiculously fake I-have-a-team-but-I'll-make-you-feel-less-than-inferior domestic skills.)
I came home and made soup from a can. I stirred it with a metal spoon, in my metal pot from Walmart, and didn't have a fancy spoon rest. *gasp*
I may or may not have eaten it straight from the pot. I'm not telling.
Domestic mastering is just not my thing. What a depressing "shopping" outing.
*sigh*
________
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So I moseyed ("mosey-ed"?) on down to the local Home Outfitters to add some stuff to the registry. You know, some reasonable kitchen crap instead of the overpriced pots and pans.
Holy shit.
Want to feel inadequate in the kitchen? Roam the stemware aisle (that's, like, fancy glasses and wine goblets and the like. You know, gold chalices. What every household needs. Like cowbell. MORE MORE MORE).
Want to feel inept in food preparation? Glance at the food combustion/chopping/processing/flame-throwing Cuisinarts. Read their boxes and STILL walk away perplexed at their actual purpose.
Want to feel overwhelmed? Try selecting JUUUUST THE RIGHT garlic peeler and press. Out of 20. All overpriced and looking similar to what I assume torture devices look like.
Then I come across the devices designed for the ridiculously lazy. Or those phallic plastic banana cases. $7... really? I think I will just take the extreme risk of a bruised banana. I'm crazy like that.
Strap sheets to "ensure your bedsheets stay attractively flat". Yeah, um, there may or may not be dog pee currently on my bedsheets right now. That are half off the bed. I think I'm fine without the straps.
And don't even get me STARTED on the Martha Stewart shit out there. Soon enough she'll have suppositories and lubricant. (What?!? She WAS in prison, folks, regardless of her ridiculously fake I-have-a-team-but-I'll-make-you-feel-less-than-inferior domestic skills.)
I came home and made soup from a can. I stirred it with a metal spoon, in my metal pot from Walmart, and didn't have a fancy spoon rest. *gasp*
I may or may not have eaten it straight from the pot. I'm not telling.
Domestic mastering is just not my thing. What a depressing "shopping" outing.
*sigh*
________
my garlic press came from the dollar store.
ReplyDelete@Yandie, Goddess of Pickles. - Most of my utensils have originated from there, but I truly am terrified what actual toxins are in the plastic items. :(
ReplyDeleteHere's one I like: Kitchen can bags....saw an ad on TV for BLACK ones. After all, who wants to look at your garbage.
ReplyDeleteUm..first of all, it's in your kitchen can. From there it goes to your garbage can outside or trash cart or whatever. I can almost guarantee you that you would get less bags for more money.
New to your blog....funny stuff! Just wanted to say that I felt a kinship with your post today. Whenever I get to do the registry stuff I'm sure I'll have a small meltdown.
ReplyDeleteYeah well i wish i could offer you some type of advice but...hmmm...im kinda inept at that sorta stuff which was recently proven in my laughable domestic supply outing, having moved house.
ReplyDeleteI was all yeah im gonna get this pot and that juicer and that little whizz-bang lettuce cleaning gizmo...i ended up going to a 2 dollar store and came home with a cheese grater that nearly cut my finger off before breaking, a plate that exploded in my microwave and knife sharpening stone that fucked up my really expensive mundial chef's knife....
i had two-minute noodles for dinner that night..they were as crappy as they sound..
on the upside congrats on your marriage!
@middle child - I bought pretty pink ones from the dollar store. Thin as tissue paper... but puuuurdy. :)
ReplyDelete@The Nice Chick - At this point, I am wishing we had eloped. Get to go to a dress fitting tonight that I am DREADING because they keep screwing up m'dress. GAH. Thanks for stopping in and commenting!
@Dan - I try not to use the cheaper things wtih the few expensive things I own. Then again, our washing machine ruins my clothes all the time, and it wasn't cheap, so I take that back.
It's like we are living parallel lives, you with your shirt sticking out, eating noodles and me embarassing myself and eating my soup. Weird.
Now Steph...I have read lots of your blog entries to my delight, you are a very funny person, not to mention sweet, compassionate, and one of the best people I know but I have to tell you that a Garlic press HAS to be a good one or you will go crazy in the kitchen. Ive tried many different ones and the one I swear by is made by Zyliss. Its not cheap, but its the best thing out there for getting all of the garlic into your recipe. There, I said it. Enjoy....oh and by the way...see you at your wedding, looking forward to it
ReplyDeleteKel
my kitchen supplies come from Kmart or dollar store
ReplyDeleteCongrats on your upcoming wedding! Will you be rocking the Raptor pose in your wedding pictures?
ReplyDeletePlease oh please let there really be Martha Stewart lube in a marketing pipeline somewhere. Get it? Pipeline? *sigh*
ReplyDelete@Kel - I never saw that brand name... don't remember what I picked in the end, but it said it peeled AND pressed, so I was all impressed. lol. Looking forward to seeing you guys as well!!
ReplyDelete@becca - I'm with ya, sistah!
@Paula - You bet yer sweet ass I'm gonna be all short-hands-and-curved-back. Nothing says "beautiful bride" quite like the raptor pose. ;)
@Elly Lou - I give it another 5-6 years and it'll be "Martha Stewart - Bedroom: Products to keep your man happy" featuring lubricants, anal beads and tukey-scented massage oils.
spoon rests *look* awesome but are really just another thing to clean anyway. i have one that's a cow. A FUCKING COW and i love it so much. but if i rest a spoon on it, the cow gets dirty and someone (awesome husband) just has another dish to wash. if i rested the spoon right on the stove top, i could just, like, wipe it off.
ReplyDeleteso, you know. i use the spoon rest sometimes.