Monday, September 26, 2011

Tooth Whitening Gone Awry

So, here's the thing.

I wanted to whiten my teeth. YES, I know it won't change the colour of my fillings. YES, I know I am a huge p*ssy and can't stand the sensitivity it causes and I bitch and moan mercilessly until I can no longer stand it and I give up on the whitening treatment at hand.

But then... a year passes, and I resume hyper-criticism of myself in pictures and decide that whitening is in order.

It also helped that a company that tried to rip me off accidentally sent me TWO whitening kits in error and so they were just lying around, begging to be loosely and painfully applied to my gums and chompers.


- Fill flimsy, ill-fitting mouth trays with clear, goopy, mint-like gel.
- Actually place trays inside of my big mouth and wait for glistening magic to happen.
- Begin foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog on steroids baring its fangs and spewing Alka Seltzer at all passers-by.

Like this, but with a little less moustache. (source)

- Curse newfangled whitening method and try to wipe off 6% hydrogen solution of currently sizzling tongue.
- Continue to drool.
- Check watch to see only 3 minutes have passed (of the 30-60 minutes).
- Re-read package instructions to confirm that yes, indeed, swallowing the solution is NOT recommended or safe.
- Realize that there is NO way would FeyoncĂ©™ agree to do this for the wedding, no matter what I promised in return.
- Check watch to see only 2 more minutes have passed, as I try to distract myself from the sexy foaming, drooling and general spit-pooling in my mouth.


- Same as above, however flimsy bottom tray replaced with my fitted (sexy... RAWR!) mouth guard.
- Intense burning has commenced, and part of my lower teeth are not covered in the goopy gel; fear uneven (if any) results.
- Start blog post to bitch about ineffectiveness of Denta Bright.
- Check watch to see only 11 minutes have passed.

Can only assume that this will be my last run. GAH.

- Discover puppy has chewed the ill-fitting mouth trays to shreds on the floor.
- Stand in shock, having not realized puppy can reach the back of the bathroom counter top.
- Realize that teeth are SO.UNBELIEVABLY.SENSITIVE.AND.PAINFUL, that this is so not worth it.
- Stash trays under bathroom sink for next year when cycle will repeat itself (if I can find new trays).

Like this, but with slightly MORE moustache. (source:

*Another big, long, dramatic sigh*

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  1. I can't do whitening become my teeth become see through. I haven't stopped drinking tea so my teeth need it more and more.

  2. Oh man, you went through a lot. I use that new 3D toothpaste and it works great for whitening. I think it is Crest. I ran out so I can't look, but I know it is called 3D.

  3. I'm tempted to try these but after readig this I think I'll stick with my regular cleanings.

    Puppy wanted a clean mouth too!

  4. Those things make my gums bleed, I just use a whitening mouth wash because I can't take the pain nor will I give up cold foods for prettier teeth.

  5. The crest whitening strips work really well and you barely know they are on. They still make your teeth super sensitive though. I can only do it 2 or 3 times in a row before I can't handle the sensitivity anymore!

  6. i just hammered all my teeth out last year and received government supplied dentures which i soak every night at bedtime.
    Ummm....a caveat...dont try this at home.

  7. something I have never been tempted to do. You need to stick a note on the left over solution reminding you to read this post before trying again

  8. White Strips! They work really well! Used them 8 years ago for the wedding.

    I don't actually bleach my teeth, though, outside of, um, okay, twice. I have friends who have super white teeth to the point of almost being CLEAR and I can't help but wonder what will happen to them as they age...

    Guess we'll find out!


  9. @George - Trust me, any progress I make is quickly removed once I drink another pot of coffee (yes, I am very, very tired!)

    @Belle - I bought that stuff, too, as extra back-up. I even bought it at FULL PRICE, with no coupo , so you KNOW I mean business. ;)

    @gotjack28 - You know, you bring up an interesting point. Puppy's teeth ARE whiter and brighter than mine! Damn her!

    @Paula - I never considered the mouthwash. I did read that in a study of regular mouth wash users (non-whitening variety), that over time, their teth became more discoloured. No word of a lie.

    My mom has the best dental hygiene routine in the world, complete with mouthwash, and she's noticed her teeth have changed shades over time.

    PLUS? She doesn't drink coffee and only has tea occasionally. YIKES!

  10. @Jody - You know, I used them once before, and actually got compliments. I have a pack SOMEWHERE in the bowels of our bathroom cupboards, but I can't find them for the life of me and don't want to shell out another $50 for new ones (that I will only use 3 times and give up on). lol. But you are right, they do work. Especially because the white strips STAY PUT!

    @Dan - I am instinctively holding a hand up to my mouth much like a man would if I made a kick-in-the-nards joke. Ouch. Hey, at least the government foot the bill! lol.

    @Mynx - Further proof of your wisdom! Now, where's my post-it-notepad??

    @Pearl - I'm surprised, as a worrier, that I never considered the long term implications of that kind of whitening. I already grind my teeth and have enamel issues, so perhaps I'd best let this lie.

    But yes! I agree the White Strips work, for as long as you can stand the sensitivity/pain.



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