Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Heartburn or Esophageal-burny-cancer-destruction?

So, as my stress level elevates, so does my acid reflux.

I'd like to think this is just run of the mill heartburn.

Then I made the mistake of mentioning it and drinking coffee at the dentist's office the other day and DEAR-LORD-AND-MOTHER-OF-ALL-THINGS-CANCER-FREE, it sounds like my esophagus is slowly killing me in my sleep.

As a sleep-deprived, stressed girl in her last days of pre-wedding planning (read: AGONY), she ASSURED me that what I need is water. WATER. That'll keep me going on the tough days! Water is the cure all! Wateroiahngvia sdiuhauow gvoijhdowerijd bgvpa;ojd... oh, sorry, I fell asleep at the keyboard.

Yeah, sorry tootsie, but water just ain't gonna cut it right now. I even bought a huge Coke after that, and it didn't even help, as I sat listless on the couch doing the DJ play list with FeyoncĂ©™.

So, back to my esophagus and it's stealthy plan to kill me. For the acid reflux I can feel, she said there's a ton more I DON'T feel that could be eating away my tissue at this very moment.

*cue horror music*

I am supposed to raise my pillows up.
Raise the head of my bed up.
Stop drinking anything but water.
Perhaps re-think the 80 Tums/antacids per day.

Assume it will get better after the wedding.
Tell myself I'll drink less coffee later on.
Not do a damn thing and start popping Nexium.

Everyone's a critic.

*cue Tums commercial music*


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  1. seriously, a bit of water wouldn't kill you. and the coke/diet coke will do a lot less to your esophagus than coffee. my dad was in the hospital for one of his many diabetic episodes and they discovered some major esophageal damage and tried to convince him to stop his 8 cups of coffee a day, but told him he could keep drinking the diet crack. so maybe swap out some of the coffee for soda? until the wedding?

    of course, switching to water only will ensure you're hydrated and free of water weight for your wedding day. the hydration is important because then you can drink all the alcohol you want for the wedding and on the honeymoon. right? that's how it works, i think.

  2. Woooh-saaaaaaa.

    Bah... give up coffee. That's everybody's answer to EVERYTHING. Bah I say.

  3. *Random Guy Humor*

    You know, I hear semen is great for the throat... one good swallow will make you feel better.

    So find a friend, take two of these and call me in the morning.

    ~Dr. Idaho~

  4. How about taking some muscle relaxers or some other substance that will be you in la la land.

  5. It really could just be stress, sometimes that happens to me if I am really overdoing it or worrying about something.

  6. I remember back in my university years how I was so stressed out that a cup of coffee was liable to make me go into long coughing fits followed by the burning urge to throw up.

    In any case, I really hope that you do feel better, Steph.

  7. ditch the coffee...

    i have water by my bed all the time, but only to mix with the Canadian Whiskey...

    i would tell you to relax but it will do no good.... so enjoy the roller coaster?

    sending happy thoughts and peaceful vibes

  8. My throat is ruined by acid reflux. I can't sing any more and my voice is lower and of course the acid hurts when I neglect to take my pills. Coke makes my acid worse, but of course I still drink it. I take the strongest antacid twice a day and that takes care of it.

  9. Coffee rots my esophogus?


    Next thing you'll tell me is that all that Bourbon isn't helping either.

    Can't I just keep drinking the coffee & whiskey if I promise to drink a glass of water afterwards?

  10. I had panic attacks before I got married. It was awful. More of an individuality thing than the actualy marriage.
    Try to make yourself drink some water. Even though you hate it, I promise, it's better than the alternate, pain and burning.
    Just do it. Water is good for you. maybe try to cut 1 cup out a week or something.

    Good luck!

  11. yeah....thats kinda fucked up isnt it? stress = searing pain...i mix my coffee with a mix of roofies, you know to keep me on an even keel.
    Water...boring...who invented that drink?
    but sure the nuptials will go smoothly

  12. FIRST OF ALL, YOU PEOPLE ARE AWESOME. The devious duo of my internet provider, Blogspot, and Firefox have prevented me from even viewing my own blog for three days.

    SO I COULDN'T COMMENT BACK, on a post that had the highest amount of instant commenting ever.

    So I realize I need to talk about things like divorce and heartburn to get ya talking! lol.

  13. *and by duo, I mean TRIO.

    @steph gas - I hate water. I forget to drink it. We used to have awesome reverse osmosis, but then I heard how wasteful it was and felt so guilty I haven't refilled the cooler for months.

    Though I like your water & alcohol theory. Hope your dad is doing ok.

    @Yandie, Goddess of Pickles - I type this as I sip my half-caff, fortified soy-milk mug of java. BAH indeed! - Um, Doc, I am going to have to see your credentials and qualifications before I consider your advice...

    @George - The girl at the spa/salon ASKED ME TO COME DRUNK on the day of, because she could tell how anxious I am. AWESOME.

    @Paula - Definitely stress, but still too much coffee. My body doesn't react well to caffeine, even half-caff, but decaf doesn't cut it for the time being.

    @Barb The French Bean - That's awful!! For some reason I thought that you were big into coffee. I guess a French-lifestyle misconception on my part! Thanks for the kind words.

  14. @bruce! - Good to hear from you! Thanks for getting it, and sending the vibes. I actually think I felt 'em. Much thanks. Maybe I'll switch from coffee to gin and tonic?

    @Belle - Thanks for taking the time to comment. That's awful about your singing. How disappointing. Glad to hear you are managing with the antacids, though. And Coke? You know how I feel about Coke.

    @Tom G. - No, man, bourbon totally HELPS. Plus, I am pretty sure even a shot-full of water cancels the other out. So you're solid!

    @andra - Yeah, I am excited to GET married, just not to get all the details done in order to MAKE IT THERE. I will try to drink more water, I swear. Thanks for sharing your story!! :)

    @Dan - Roofies you say?? Hmmm... And thanks, I'm sure it'll be good, but the time up until then is going to be painful. The coffee mug is feeling perpetually half empty these days!

  15. Just drink tequila. That solves all my problems.

  16. =)PS. I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE your blog title =)

  17. @Miss Sassy Pants - Oooh, while sound advice for most, tequila and I had a run in, in 1999, that I care not to relive. I'll sub vodka.

    Also? Thank you, and I quite like your name!!


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