Grocery Tips From A Loser

I learned a few things tonight, regarding grocery shopping. None of them have to do with the fact that I think I used that comma incorrectly, but I just figured I'd mention it.

When shopping for groceries, follow these handy tips to help you on your journey:

1.  If you are the type to become mildly weepy for no apparent reason, or become weepy at the sound of Christmas music, bring an MP3 player and sunglasses. It's like playing poker on TV (without the coolness) while hiding your "tell". You know, with less poker chips and more tears.

2.  If you (literally) run into the store 10 minutes before closing on a Friday night, be prepared to receive the stink eye from every single employee you pass, every time you pass them. Accept this, and continue to run in a panic around the store. It's very relaxing.

No, seriously. via

3.  If you can normally only find one of the two gluten-free "fresh" bread options in your grocery store no matter when you go, even on the days they claim to get new shipments, ignore that shit. Apparently, as I discovered tonight, you can find and hoard all THREE loaves of BOTH GF breads if you go right before store closing Friday night. F_ck you, Saturday shoppers! I just scored huge and saved myself $30 in shipping fees if I had been forced to order and buy that godforsaken heavy-ass dense bread through the bakery itself.

No word of a lie, one gluten-free  brick  loaf weighs 800 grams and can be used as a car-jack, when required. via

4.  Always, always open your eggs before purchasing to make sure:

a) All dozen are there. (However, you are forewarned that if you pick up a 6-pack of eggs, you may find that there are only six eggs in the package.)
b) The eggs that ARE there are not already pre-cracked and congealed. For your convenience.
c) That suspect, yellow yolk-like staining across the entire egg display didn't come from the pack of eggs you've selected. (I swear to Jebus the employees must have had an egg fight, or had someone as clumsy as me stock those shelves because I had to look through at least 7 containers to find one that had all 12 eggs that weren't oozing shit.)
d) There is not a dead chick inside. Trust me on this one.

5.  If you really really like the store's generic brand of inexpensive hair mousse because it's the ONLY brand that will tame your crazy-ass hair, stock that shit up. Ignore your significant other. Like your gut feeling told you last time, you will come to discover that they no longer carry it.  Mousse named "Exact" that costs $1.57 and works can save you a SHIT TON of money and frizz head in the long run. I miss you Exact.

This shit was magical. *tear*

6.  You will never, ever, ever have any luck asking your spouse/significant other to use a coupon if it requires too many conditions. For example, the Kraft cheese is apparently only free IF you buy ANOTHER Old El Paso Fajita** Kit at the same time (I think they're wrong) AND only the smaller size cheese, however the coupon is also good towards $6 off the 380 gram-sized cheese.... AAAAAAAAAAAND then  my  his head explodes.

7.  Nervous cashiers who believe you are using coupons improperly will fail to bring this to your attention, will fail to apply the discount, and will covertly place the coupon in your packed, re-useable bag while you aren't looking. F_ckers. I didn't have to buy an old El Paso kit last time.

8.  If you are ANYTHING like me, and you think you are being "really fast", during your maniacal sprint throughout the grocery store, rest assured you are not. You will leave there at 20 minutes past closing time and the cart collection boy will spit in your general direction as you climb into your car.
He will care not that you returned the cart to the cart "corral". P.S. Honda, I want a bigger trunk, goddammit, do you know how hard it is to pack groceries and 6  bricks  loaves of gluten free bread into the trunk of a Civic? I mean, seriously. Really.

** Pronounced: FAH- J- EYE- TAH. 
You're welcome.


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