Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Grocery Tips From A Loser

I learned a few things tonight, regarding grocery shopping. None of them have to do with the fact that I think I used that comma incorrectly, but I just figured I'd mention it.

When shopping for groceries, follow these handy tips to help you on your journey:

1.  If you are the type to become mildly weepy for no apparent reason, or become weepy at the sound of Christmas music, bring an MP3 player and sunglasses. It's like playing poker on TV (without the coolness) while hiding your "tell". You know, with less poker chips and more tears.

2.  If you (literally) run into the store 10 minutes before closing on a Friday night, be prepared to receive the stink eye from every single employee you pass, every time you pass them. Accept this, and continue to run in a panic around the store. It's very relaxing.

No, seriously. via

3.  If you can normally only find one of the two gluten-free "fresh" bread options in your grocery store no matter when you go, even on the days they claim to get new shipments, ignore that shit. Apparently, as I discovered tonight, you can find and hoard all THREE loaves of BOTH GF breads if you go right before store closing Friday night. F_ck you, Saturday shoppers! I just scored huge and saved myself $30 in shipping fees if I had been forced to order and buy that godforsaken heavy-ass dense bread through the bakery itself.

No word of a lie, one gluten-free  brick  loaf weighs 800 grams and can be used as a car-jack, when required. via

4.  Always, always open your eggs before purchasing to make sure:

a) All dozen are there. (However, you are forewarned that if you pick up a 6-pack of eggs, you may find that there are only six eggs in the package.)
b) The eggs that ARE there are not already pre-cracked and congealed. For your convenience.
c) That suspect, yellow yolk-like staining across the entire egg display didn't come from the pack of eggs you've selected. (I swear to Jebus the employees must have had an egg fight, or had someone as clumsy as me stock those shelves because I had to look through at least 7 containers to find one that had all 12 eggs that weren't oozing shit.)
d) There is not a dead chick inside. Trust me on this one.

5.  If you really really like the store's generic brand of inexpensive hair mousse because it's the ONLY brand that will tame your crazy-ass hair, stock that shit up. Ignore your significant other. Like your gut feeling told you last time, you will come to discover that they no longer carry it.  Mousse named "Exact" that costs $1.57 and works can save you a SHIT TON of money and frizz head in the long run. I miss you Exact.

This shit was magical. *tear*

6.  You will never, ever, ever have any luck asking your spouse/significant other to use a coupon if it requires too many conditions. For example, the Kraft cheese is apparently only free IF you buy ANOTHER Old El Paso Fajita** Kit at the same time (I think they're wrong) AND only the smaller size cheese, however the coupon is also good towards $6 off the 380 gram-sized cheese.... AAAAAAAAAAAND then  my  his head explodes.

7.  Nervous cashiers who believe you are using coupons improperly will fail to bring this to your attention, will fail to apply the discount, and will covertly place the coupon in your packed, re-useable bag while you aren't looking. F_ckers. I didn't have to buy an old El Paso kit last time.

8.  If you are ANYTHING like me, and you think you are being "really fast", during your maniacal sprint throughout the grocery store, rest assured you are not. You will leave there at 20 minutes past closing time and the cart collection boy will spit in your general direction as you climb into your car.
He will care not that you returned the cart to the cart "corral". P.S. Honda, I want a bigger trunk, goddammit, do you know how hard it is to pack groceries and 6  bricks  loaves of gluten free bread into the trunk of a Civic? I mean, seriously. Really.

** Pronounced: FAH- J- EYE- TAH. 
You're welcome.

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  1. *laugh* sorry for the crazy store trip, but... erm... love the story and helpful tips! : D

  2. HAahaha, you're lucky one of those bag boys didn't shank you!

  3. I'd rather go to the dentist than go grocery shopping. well, almost.

  4. Ohh I bet you are one of those that go to the post office 5 minute before closing too. I can give a mean stink eye to people like that.

    You do actually get some really good bargains just before closing I have found. You just have to be strong enough to withstand the glares

  5. Once a friend of mine and I rushed to our grocery store to return moldy bagels (that I had just purchased the previous day) right at closing time. He forced open the 'Out' door as a cashier shook her head at us, indicating they were closed. I cried "MY BAGELS ARE MOLDY!" as my friend wielded the fork he had been eating with when we made the mad dash to the store.

    I got fresh bagels, but I didn't shop there for a long time.

  6. Never, never, EVER make eye contact with any grocery store employee within 30 minutes of closing time.

    Just saved you years of therapy for stink-eye-induced guilt trauma.

    No, YOU'RE welcome.

  7. See, around here they don't close the grocery stores at night... we don't have them fancy Whole Foods and crap around here, just the Kroger and Safeway. But they ARE "closed"... they fill up the aisles with carts and crates and close down the self-check, but the cashier hides when customers come in. It is pretty obvious we are interrupting their games of turkey bowling in the frozen food section...

  8. The cart dude spit in your direction?!? 20 mintues after close or not I so woulda flipped him off. Fucker.

    BTW, this kind of grocery trip sounds like a great way to get some exercise.

  9. @carmar76 - If you ever want to feel socially awkward - I'm your go-to person.

    @Gia - In hindsight, you are right. I'll be more fearful next time!

    @middle child - I concur. Pretty much. I hate it.

    @Mynx - I did it more out of being a good wifey. The Hubs was coming home from a week away and we had no food. So... normally, not the closing type. ;)

  10. @Yandie, Goddess of Pickles. - I kept getting bad yogurt from Metro (I kept not checking the date). Since I seemed to continue to err, I stopped shopping there. lol. And I bet you have less selection where you are!

    @Ach du lieber - Alas, sound advice, but too late. I still feel their glares. Damn them. I just wanted some milk, eggs and gluten-free bread!!

    @Leauxra - Yeah... I am always worried going into a restaurant on a Sunday night (later) or any off-time... I seriously wonder what the minimally-supervised staff are doing to my food back in the kitchen.

    @lisa from insignificant at best - I definitely had a raised heart rate, but that was likely just the anxiety. lol. I would never have the balls to flip off the cart boy. Like Gia said - coulda been shanked!!

  11. Thank god you mentioned about only having 6 eggs i a pack. I just bought some, and I was worried I was jipped!

  12. @thoughtsappear - I like to do that kind of stuff. Real public service-minded posts. Hard hitting and informative. I just hope you appreciate the panic I saved you once you started counting.


    I hoped it came off as sarcastic and not serious. I think I'm losing my touch.

  13. Gasp! Did you REALLY find a dead chick in your egg carton? OK, I don't want this to ever happen to me. Except that I kind of do, because...awesome (icky) story.

    Thanks for the tips!

  14. This just encompassed my life.

    Especially the part about hoarding GF bread and wearing glasses to cover up the tears that start flowing down my face FOR NO REASON.

  15. HA! I just had this very conversation with Chuckweasel regarding egg-selection and HE, who claims to know all there is to know about groceries because he once worked at Kroger, swore UP. AND. DOWN. that I was retarded for checking for broken eggs because -- quote -- "that never happens." Even the fact that I have SEEN this happen (for some reason, more often at one store than the others... maybe the aforementioned egg-fights?). So I say HA!

  16. @Stephanie - You don't want to know. And no problem!! Just be weary of the 6-pack vs. the dozen eggs!

    @Miss Sassy Pants - I feel your pain. Grocery store is the worst for me. But sometimes, it just happens randomly. I HATE IT.

    @hoodyhoo - Oooooooooooh, it HAPPENS. Ha him up and down 'cause you are right! The hubs got another container a few days ago, and there was a broken one inside... dammit!

  17. So I'm not the only person in the world who gets teary at some of the piped in music they play? I feel less alone now.

    Another option is to tell people it's allergies...

  18. I totally think you are my long lost sister.

    Love the blog.

  19. @thesacredandtheprofane - Hello, and thanks for leaving a comment! For me it's not so much the MUZAK as the deep sorrow in the pit of my soul. But yes, 'tis better not to feel alone, isn't it?

    @pensive - Thanks to you as well for taking the time to comment! If I am your long lost sister, you may be in for a world of hurt. lol.


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