Saturday, May 14, 2011

Recumbent Bike From Hell

24 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
I have a feeling that when I say I don't care much for exercise, I am not alone.

I mean, don't get me wrong... I know it's really good for me, I want to maintain a  somewhat  not-really-even-close  pretend  healthy body, it's crucial to my well being, and I  DO  don't want to exist as a couch potato.

But it's SO HARD to motivate myself to exercise. The 30-Day Shred has now become the 90-Day Shred (every third day... you do the math! HA!). It's almost approaching the 120-Day-I-Exercise-Sporadically-Not-Quite-"Shred".

I have a wedding dress I must fit in to, but I hear the Hershey Eggies and Cadbury Mini Eggs calling my name. The Bulk Barn had me on a watch list.

So I decide to mosey on down to a little hole-in-the-wall gym.

It's desolate. It has random tables throughout. It has some ancient gym equipment.

And two recumbent bikes (what, don't judge, a regular bike is NOT a woman's friend. It hurts the junk. There, I said it).

NORMAL person recumbent exercise biking? riding? cycling.


I get my gym gear on. I try to do some Jillian Michaels' warm-up moves by memory. Big muscle-y dudes are watching and judging me. I fail with my memory recall, and half-ass my moves.

I am quite certain I look like I am mildly challenged.

So not PC, but yet, so accurate.


I proceed to the recumbent bike, I get on, adjust the seat.... and find there are no fucking foot straps to hold my feet in.

Seriously?... REALLY?

Who presents so much of a threat to themselves and a gym's insurance policy, that they require restraint-less foot pedals on a bike that doesn't have direct downward gravity on its side?

For once, not me.

For the next 35 minutes, I struggle to keep my feet from flying off the foot pedals.

I was water bottle-less, watching eleventeen year olds silently batting eyes at each other and holding hands on a muted television tuned to MTV, while they pumped 106.1 K-Lite FM radio in the background.

The soundtrack to my workout?

Kissed By A Rose, by Seal.

Christ.

With a little more "light hits from the 80s, 90s and today" and a little less cowbell/enthusiasm/interest. And slightly less feathers.


This is why I hate exercising.

That is all.

____


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Wednesday, May 11, 2011

*Blogger Intimidation

16 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
No, I don't actually mean the host of our little corners of the interwebs.

I mean other Bloggers.


I have been expanding my reading list and finding new bloggers (somewhat randomly) and I am realizing that the more hilarity I read from other people, the more idea-less/writer's block-full I seem to be.

Sometimes a good idea will hit me while I am on the toilet, or in the car,  and  or just about to fall asleep, and I make a fleeting, useless mental note to start a draft when I am back at the computer.

That never happens, so instead, you get photos of my junk drawer. Literary genius, I say!

Then I read other people's blogs and see how funny they are and feel like I might as well roll up shop, draw the metal bars across the windows, pack my stuff up and go do something productive OFFLINE. *GASP*

Source: SomeECards


I've been "getting around" to vacuuming upstairs since... uh... forever ago. Not doing so well there.
Gaining weight? Actually doing well, thankyouverymuch.

Anyway, I'd really appreciate it if you other bloggers stopped being so damn funny/engaging/witty/quick/crazy. It would make it A LOT easier on me.

Or ALOT easier (thanks Allie Brosh):
The above is the work of Allie Brosh from her awesome blog Hyperbole And A Half.


Off to go try to be creative...

____
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Saturday, May 7, 2011

Hard To Buy For Mom? I've Got The Perfect Mother's Day Deal For YOU!

16 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
Have you found that Mother's Day has snuck up on you somehow this year?

Tired of the old lame bourbon & cigarettes daisies and teapot go-to gifts for mom?

Well, well, let me tell you that I have found the utmost thoughtful/creative gift-giving for your mom this Mother's Day. It's elegant. It's simple. And despite what you may think of my language or taste, it will not compromise her dignity.

As you may well be aware, I am a girl that loves a good deal. I've previously written about my spa deal experience as well as my other spa deal threesome experience. Perhaps you read my Old Navy post and my irrational love of all things on sale (not in my size)?


These new deal sites like Groupon, TeamBuy, WagJag, Snaggies and DealTicker get me all warm and fuzzy in the pants. Let's say that one purchase alone saved me about $700 plus on wedding flowers.

So, needless to say, I scan these sites regularly. I found this gem. And I thought of you guys.

Oh, and of Mom, of course!


So, MOM, this one's for you:

If you can't read it, it reassures you that the new system brings "elegance", "simplicity" and "dignity" to the procedure of having a hose put up your arse.



I know you are all likely SORELY disappointed that there is a maximum of one voucher per person for the colon cleansing of your lifetime, but never fear! You CAN buy more as gifts!

Get one for mom! Gramma, too! Boss seeming a little anal-retentive lately? Gift her/him as well! Think how dignified and elegant they'll feel!

You can thank me later.

p.s. Is anyone else intrigued by the "+ More" in the spa's name?? Just me?

___
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