Drunk Blogging?

Okay, so Allie Brosh has done it in the past, with such gems as "douch bad" and an endless soliloquy to burritos and fighter jets.

I, on the other hand, have had an entire bottle of sparkling wine, and then some. I am also using someone else's laptop (whose buttons are in weird spots compared to those I am used to - seriously, you have no idea how much I have back-spaced up until now, considering the low word count), and I am tacked on to someone else's internet.

I am also supposed to be getting dressed up to go out to dinner. I am hugely unsuccessful on that account, as well.

So basically, I am saying that I am failing at everything I am attempting right now, including drunk blogging, and that I have nothing to offer you.

No worries, you are wrlecoe. I mean... welcome. No,. seriously.

A part of me wants to not correct my spelling and grammar, but the A-personality deep down inside of me is completely distracted by my still-able capacity to find the <- Bk Sp button.

Okay, seriously now, BF is out of the shower and wondering what kind of trouble I am up to... and it is getting increasingly harder to type properly and/or find the proper deleting jeys. O I mean keys.

So.... I feel bad I haven't made my comments in my blogging rounds. My message to you all is that I hope you are having/did have/will have good holuidays, (see, spelling mistake, but I ddnt' backspace yay me, and there is another one in there! )... and a very happy new year.

Or at least a very drunk new years. It's the best I can offer. (or "ovver" if I didn't backspace).

Missing you all and hoping you are all having fun.

I suck at drunk blogging.

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The Joy of Air Travel

First off...

What  motherfucker  asshat  sadist  person invented the standard domestic aeroplane seat? I beg you for the answer (What??!? YES, I AM too lazy to google it. Plus there is probably more than one motherfucker  asshat  sadist inventor).

I mean:

Approximation of me in a seated position. Yes, my posture needs work, shaaaadddap.

While I do not boast to have perfect posture, this is the general idea of my body shape while seated. Now place what you see above into an airline seat:

Headrest, why do you angle out? Why? WHY GODDAMMIT?!??!

Astute readers will see that my smile has been turned into a frown. My already poor neck posture has now been forced to jut forward in an uncomfortable forced-forward positioning. I am roughly 5'-7.5". Yes I said roughly, and measured to a half inch. Enough sass out of you, okay? I always have this weird hollow space where it seems like there should be some kind of neck support, or at least a headrest that is not trying to force my face into business class (although, that would mean my mouth could maybe get some mimosas or free Pringles, so maybe I am going about this all wrong...).

And before you say it, NO, those stupid travel pillows do nothing to help my tyrannosaurus-like neck and posture. They simply induce more rage.

Moving on...

Things get even more enjoyable when you factor in the inevitable:

The douche in front of me: The untold story of Stephanie C.

I always, ALWAYS, ALWAYS get someone in front of me who irritates the piss out of me. As soon as they sit down, I feel the crush into my knees as their butt pushes the seat into me. I try to re-position myself, but my neck position still leaves me somewhere between "Christ this really feels awkward" to "If I don't get off this mothereffin' plane in 5 mothereffin' minutes, I am going to have to hog tie the person in front of me to the bathroom door hinges, then run laps up and down the aisles to shed some of this crazy off of me". (Hey, at least I gave you a range).

Now... have I mentioned what always occurs? What is the ultimate catalyst to my ever-pissy state during a flight? Can you guess? Yes? No? Too bad. It's this:

You may notice his over-sized shit-eating grin. And my immediate claustrophobia kicking into to DEF CON 8.

The person in front of me fully reclines their seat back, without fail. I've been on the shit end of this stick about 98% of the time. The other 2% you ask? Ahhh, that was the last flight back from Winnipeg when I was lucky enough to get an exit row seat WITH NO SEAT IN FRONT OF ME. Christmas indeed came early for me.

To everyone out there: Don't be an a-hole. How much would you like the seat in front of you being an inch from your face? I don't care if the person in front of you is doing it. It doesn't mean we have to create an asshole domino effect. I FUCKING HATE IT, and my guess is that about 99% of the general population also does.

The best part? When it happened to me this Friday, while trying to sleep with my head propped in my lap (because the neck thing was just too awkward), and the fucker in front of me bashed me in the head. Apparently, upon his first three attempts to recline his seat, he did not push the button, he just tried pushing the seat back like a bloody Lay-Z-Boy recliner.

Upon attempt #4, not only did he successfully decipher the secret-reclining code of pushing the release button, but he also used his full body-force to throw his seat back.
Directly into my head.
With full force.
And complete contact.

I lifted my head and slammed his headrest with my hands out of sheer rage. He didn't even notice.

I should have pulled my head back faster when I could feel him unsuccessfully rocking to and fro in his seat. I distantly anticipated what was coming, but was just drowsy enough not to escape the brain adjustment he so kindly dispensed in his need to recline.

Want to take a short, terrifying peek into approximately 45 seconds of my life while on a plane? Air Canada and Westjet, I'm looking at you. (Also? Too bad, I'm sharing it anyway):

This is your brain on drugs during intense air-rage-claustrophobia with an asshole in front of you and no room to breathe. [May or may not include exaggeration for blogging purposes]

"Please ensure your tray and seatback are in their upright and locked position" during take-off and landing FOR THE WHOLE FLIGHT, please. And imagine that in French, for a second, more irritating reinforcement.

I once had a guy recline his seat all the way back, just to lean forward and sleep on his tray table. For the WHOLE 4.5 hour flight. There was a short woman behind me who was easily over 300 lbs, who was terribly, uncomfortably squished into her own seat all on her own... so her knees were already digging into my seat back (though I stayed upright the entire flight). A bonus? My headset didn't work and my MP3 player was dead, so I got to sit like an accordion, bored out of my mind and too cramped to read for 4.5 hours.



Merry Christmas / Happy Holidays / Generic Applicable Greeting For Upcoming Celebrations Too Lengthy To List Individually, and I truly hope your flying experiences are better than mine. Or that at least one of us gets lounge access first to drink the pain away.


So who designed that damn head rest anyway?

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Allie Brosh Posted! And it is Christmas-y!

I love Allie Brosh.

And her mom...

If you have not yet read her blog or seen her illustrations, you  MUST.DO.SO.NOW.

Awesome post, check it out:
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/12/year-kenny-loggins-ruined-christmas.html

Kenny Loggins is both the new Chuck Norris and the new Rickrolled guy. Expect to find internet meme-ing and misdirecting email links soon. All of you.

I will post something new (hopefully) soon, just too much to do and not enough time to get in all done.

Until then, I posted another quick v-log here.

xoxo
Me

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Christmas Wrapping Tutorial (Crappy Sound Included At No Additional Cost)

This is for my good Blogger friend, Jess, over at "not your average joan of archetypal patterns", in response to her much better quality, much better video in her post here.

You also get to see the server-waitress-branded outfit from my last post (I opted for a necklace, straight hair, no pink lipstick, and oodles of frizz-taming serum).

I apologize for the horrendous sound. I did try to caption and annotate the video in some places, but it is hard to hear. However my adorable smiling face should be enough to make you want to sacrifice 7 whole minutes of your life, 6 minutes and 59 seconds of which you will never get back.

There are no close ups. Except for my face when I move towards the computer. All in all, a pretty ass-tastic tutorial. But promises are promises, and my taping rampage may help Jess in her quest for less-lumpy Christmas wrapping.

Behold the wonder of built-in laptop microphone and camera:



Consider it my gift to you all. HAHAHAHA. No, seriously, I'm sorry you just lost 7 minutes of your life.

I love you!


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I Look Like A Server - Also, Want To Help The Bloggess?

This is the last of my bleeding heart posts (the last one lost me two followers, for reals).

Jenny, THE BLOGGESS, is co-ordinating stuff here: http://thebloggess.com/?p=9474
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Moving on to other topics...

I bought a new wrap blouse and a high-waisted pencil skirt to wear to my work luncheon. It is one of two Christmas-y sort of dress up things I get to attend this year. They were both on sale (the clothing, not the functions), but I am still having a hard time justifying the buy. But, with all the weight loss, NOTHING FITS. So, I went for it.

BF said I looked great. I tried everything on last night to make sure it fit and I didn't look like a hooker or anything. I actually felt like I rocked it pretty well.

Then I got to the hall. I was the first one there. A client came in and asked me where to put his coat, and if I worked there. FUCK NO, I don't. I work for the engineering firm that invited you here. (And no, I am not an engineer, I am a lowly co-ordinator, but I still do engineery stuff, beeyotch! Yeah, I've been on a swing stage. Many times. EAT THAT, Mr. Client!).

Then I considered the fact that I was wearing a black tank top, white wrap blouse and high-waisted black skirt. Shit. All I needed was a tie and I would have matched the bloody wait staff (okay, they may have been wearing vests, too, I'm not sure).

My co-worker (we'll call him Colleague #1) came in and looked at me. First words out of his mouth? "Oh hey, do you work here? Can you go get me a drink or something? *snickers*".

JACKASS.

So of the 6 people there, 33% pointed out my outfit was very waitress-like. Which is obviously AWESOME because that was the look I was going for when I shelled out the money to actually buy a decent outfit for once. Friggin' awesome.

So more people came in, it was bloody freezing with the door opening so often, chit chat was had, mingling commenced. I smiled and laughed. I was already pissed that my hair was a big 80's pouf-ball disaster (over-diffusing = chia pet). I also added these pretty drop earrings into the mix, which I had originally assumed would be mostly covered by my hair being down. Once I put the sides up to control the pouf factor, I forgot that shit made me look some pink lipstick away from a Poison video. (Surprisingly more like the gentlemen in said video).

Then I wandered to the bar. And one of the three main manager-guys that I always joke around with asked me if I worked there and if I could get him a drink. He had not spoken with Colleague #1.

Fantastic.

So... I should have worn a pair of my ill-fitting pants with a tight belt, some random sweater, and donated the damn money to charity. Also? I get to wear the outfit again and hope no one approaches me and asks for more h'ors d'oeuvres.  (Yes I had to search for the proper spelling of that).  At least at the work function I had a company name tag on. Not at this next event.

Quadruple bonus? I went to the washroom about an hour before everything ended to find that my mascara had somehow morphed onto my upper eyelids, as well as under my eyes. It looked like I had been crying (trust me, I know that look + mascara). It has never happened to me before, but it was the icing on the cake. I looked like the saddest 80's rocker slash waitress slash bartender slash streetwalker this little town ever did have.

"Hi, I'm Stephanie, welcome to the luncheon." (minus the collar)

I blame it on the shitloads of concealer I tried to apply (albeit poorly, and, what's that you say? Blend? I'm not familiar with that... Pancakey make-up is not advisable? Really? Can you double check that? What's that you say? Liquid/cream clearance eyeshadow probably didn't help matters? Hmm. Well, where the hell WERE YOU when I was getting ready?)

Mark that one as a big, fat fail.

Before you all try commenting with soothing "It wasn't that bad" comments, just let me have this one. This monumental moment of semi-confidence to epic fail. Yes, I am sure it wasn't that bad at the end of the day. Whatever.

Fuck it, I'm wearing it out tomorrow night, too. To a RESTAURANT. I'll tempt fate. But maybe I will try to straighten my hair. And not wear dripping eye make-up. And drop earrings. And pink lipstick.

Nah, probably not.

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Top 11 Tips: Become An Awesome Winter Driver

That's right. Look no further for the savviest tips and advice that can turn you from an average driver in the snow, to an awesome winter driver.

Image Credit

• 1. Be certain to never brush the 2 feet of snow accumulated on your car's roof and trunk before leaving your current location. The surrounding drivers on the highway/freeway will be ever-thankful that you let the snow remain so it can blind their vision in a mini-snow squall. You get bonus points if actual, physical chunks of ice and snow fly off your roof into the windshield of the driver behind you, crippling the function of their windshield wipers AND preventing them from seeing you slam on your brakes. 

• 2. Make sure that you have dark, dark, dark tinted windows. Not only does this allow you the pleasure and comfort of picking your own nose without being seen by fellow commuters and pedestrians alike, it is illegal, AND it also allows the driver behind you to see a black wall. So when you are distracted (by picking your nose and admiring your treasure find, or texting in your lap while pretending not to text [also illegal]) and you fail to see the brake lights in front of you, the person behind you will also not be able to see and avert disaster by seeing the brake lights through your glass if you are being an ass and not paying attention.

• 3. If your car is running on horrid black death fumes, be sure to avoid that DriveClean screening, and make sure you are stuck in front of me during stop and go traffic. There's nothing like the smell of diesel-acrid-smoke exhaust coming in the ole dashboard to really soothe my nausea. The earth also says thank you.

• 4. Brake late. Very, very late.

• 5.  If you are in stop and go traffic on the highway, be sure to hit your brakes incessantly/needlessly. Don't bother to just leave a bit of room between you and the car in front of you. Just ride their ass and accelerate like hell (in stop and go traffic) because, clearly, things have miraculously cleared up and now is your chance to burn some rubber. Don't hang back and try to keep a steady pace without the use of your brakes. The domino-brake-effect will make the drivers behind you much, much happier.

• 6.  Change lanes aggressively across snow-tracked lanes. Be sure to fishtail grandiosely. Saving those 3 seconds and/or two car lengths in the stop and go traffic mean the world to you. The rest of us on the road understand. Go forth, and lane change.

Yeah, just like that....     Image Credit

• 7.  If you want in the lane beside you, troll the line and nearly hit the car beside you. Since it is stop and go, and there is no where for them to go, this will surely give them the hint. It won't scare them, certainly, and will be much more effective than using your car's signals. Good on ya.

• 8.  If some fool hearty moron is leaving some room between them and the car in front, and not hammering their brakes incessantly, be sure that you help close that gap by referring to #6, and #5. They will thank you later, if not immediately.

• 9.  Be sure to flick any and all cigarettes, cigarette butts and garbage out your window once traffic has increased speed enough to send said contents into the open window of the car behind you. Why was their window open? To bring some fresh air in from tip #3.

• 10.  Be sure to never let anyone change lanes/enter your lane if their lane obviously ends soon, or let anyone over if there is an exit ramp nearby. This point is emphasized if you are aware that they have out-of-province license plates and are clearly not familiar with the roadways. 

• 11.  Finally, above all else, ignore 1 through 10, asshat.

Image Credit - Funny blog, too!

Yes, I know bullet points and numbering is redundant, but you can't double space with numbering alone. Also, did you know Blogger doesn't recognize the term "texting"?

Oh, and me? Most definitely:

Image Credit, but all right reserved by/owned by the Comedy Network, The Daily Show

That is all.


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Christmas Adorableness

If you disagree, I will cut a bitch.

Don't think I won't.

Scooby Dooby Doo - August 1996 to January 2010

I bet you were expecting a photo of me, right? Riiiiight?

This is the last photo I had taken of Santa with Scooby Doo at a mall that no longer exists in my hometown.

I miss her so much. This will be my first Christmas without her in 14 years. 

She's damn cute. I loved her like a child.

We can't take Schultz for photos because he would   eat  Santa Claus. And all the children would cry. And we would probably be sued.

Who? Me?

That is all.

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Christmas Insights

I've been thinking a lot lately. A lot. My feeble brain is starting to get overloaded, and annihilating an entire jar of Nutella doesn't seem to be helping. Nor the entire bag of spicy nacho cheese Doritos. (Although I did gain fabulously enticing cheese/onion/garlic breath from the experience, so I can't say it is a total loss).


I have realized that I fucking really hate Christmas shopping with a passion. I hate trying to figure out what to buy people. My family Most people fall into two distinct categories: "Oh, don't buy anything for me, I don't need anything" or "I have everything conceivable and don't need any more shit". There is the odd, rarely spotted third category of "I just don't know what I would like".

In my completely selfish fashion, you know what I wish for, for Christmas? I wish that people would just pick a goddamn charity that I could donate to in their name. We have SO MUCH STUFF. We could probably all go out and buy what we want whenever we want (it's just a matter of how you rationalize it to yourself, admit it). In fact, my dad does this all the time pre-Christmas. He buys stuff before we can.

You know what? I get to do the donating biznazz online. No malls. No angry mobs. No road-ragey parking spot wars.

But in all seriousness, religious or not, if you celebrate the general concept of Christmas, isn't it all about love, sharing, giving? Do you realize that you could donate to thousands of charities out there? Or lend money to someone who wouldn't otherwise have access to funds, if you'd prefer that, like on Kiva?

BF and I started the donation thing a few years ago, and I have found that it is the only part of Christmas that makes me feel good. We buy toys for the toy drive, big bucks go to charity.

If you are struggling to make ends meet, different story. If you have kids and that Santa dude is dropping by and things have been hard this year, different story. But if you have the disposable income, please consider helping out someone else, anyone else. The Red Cross, an animal shelter, a children's organization, a hospital.

Some American ideas here

Some Canadian ideas here

Who? Me? Why, I do declare!

I have realized that part of my Christmas angst is people's selfishness. So I want to be lazy and get the easy way out with charities. See how grinchy loving and selfish selfless I am?

Needless to say, I haven't started my Christmas shopping yet.

[EDIT: Please don't unfollow me... I love you. lol. Back to fun(nier) tomorrow maybe?]

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Embarrassing Realizations (Part 1 of ∞ )

In no logical order:


I went bra shopping the other day. I found out that I am neither a B, C or A cup. Go figure. There are no half sizes, so I am kind of fucked pooched on that one. Also - nipples are ugly, weird creatures. Ladies, don't even TRY to deny that one.

Or lack thereof, or knowledge of the correct size...

Trying to find a smart word to use and failing miserably makes you sound like a stupid douchebag; simply use simple sentences when you are fatigued and not-at-all articulate. (Yes, I just used 'douchebag' and 'articulate' in the same sentence - that takes talent, my friends). Though I may have misused the semi-colon, despite The Oatmeal's teachings... oh well, I'll use the hell out of the beloved ellipsis to make up for it.


Farting Passing gas with an mp3 player on and headphones in your head is still audible farting to the people around you. Seriously. You need to accept that and remember that. The same goes for being on the phone at the office and lifting a cheek. Sure, the person on the other end may not be aware, but your co-workers sure as hell are!

I realize that I panic when I get close to a drive-thru window and have, more than once, hit the wrong button to put the window down because I get all flustered when I have to place an order. Even for a coffee.
I'd like to blame this on my old Impala that my Dad helped re-configure (the driver's side window button fried out, so he finagled a way to switch the 4-pad window controls to allow me to control the windows on a diagonal, and backwards). But in truth, I just get all antsy and push buttons randomly. Awesome.



That having a coupon and inviting your mom and sister to shop at a store in your hometown is not enough reason for them to want to spend some time shopping with you if you live 28 minutes from their alternate store/destination. They will find a coupon elsewhere, and shop together without you. You will shop alone. And you won't find a bra that fits. And, see paragraph below.

(p.s. THANKS A BUNCH G.D. for the COUPON!!! MWUAH!! You are a doll!).

That trying to save money by trying on all of the cute tight fitting clearance dresses will end up costing you more than you bargained for when you realize the next day that your belly ring (purchased at a real, actual jewelry store, despite BF's stern, but short-lived, objections) busted off and is likely stuck on the inside of one of said dresses, somewhere in the store. Alternately, it may have been swept up in the change room and thrown in the trash. Way to save.

See? At least I learned about clearance stuff since my last post... no wait...

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I Am Expecting...

So... all the tell tale signs are there.

• Tiny stomach paunch
• Crazy food cravings
• Increased appetite
• Sluggishness and fatigue.

Yes people, I am expecting.... to gain a shit load of weight in the next month or two on my recently prescribed medications.

*GENERAL EXTREME LET DOWN OF FAMILY AND FRIENDS WITH CHILDREN COMMENCES...  THEN ENDS*

So, yes, following my specialist's appointment, I have been put on 4 new medications, 3 of which cause weight gain. AWESOME. I have already been waking up with swollen face, which is totally awesome and almost got a photo for the blog (but eye crusties and pure laziness down-voted that idea faster than a ... um... all I can think of are rude sexual remarks so I will forge on).

Medication weight gain + increased appetite + Christmas season & associated all things sugary + Cannot drink alcohol.

Merry fucking Christmas y'all.

However, on a pregnancy related note, I wanted to let you all know that you can, in fact, buy a pregnancy test at the dollar store for $1.25 plus HST (13% tax for my non-Canadian friends). And it works (or at least I hope so, because it said it was negative).

The specialist phoned me at home and requested I take a pregnancy test before I underwent some tests at the hospital. (He didn't seem to understand that sex is required in order to become sperminated, but I digress...).


$18 pregnancy test kits are for suckers!! (Unless accuracy is important)....


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Do I Sound Like A Tool? Do You?

So Simple Dude got me thinking (bravo Simple Dude, that is a rare occurrence, my friend!) and questioning my online speak, my blogging etiquette and my general social networking retardation in general.

Wordnet Web would like to let you know:

S: (adj) retarded (relatively slow in mental or emotional or physical development) "Stephanie was so out of touch with internet speak, her social networking skills became exceptionally retarded".

So, moving forward, what the hell?

I feel so out of touch with what is correct online anymore. You all know I've griped about “text-speak” and the like.

Wow, I just said "and the like"... I think I am older than my 30 years.

Tell me wonderful people of the Interwebs, what kind of language is acceptable these days?

• Is lol / LOL / lol'ed appropriate any longer? Sometimes there are funny blogs/comments/Facebook updates that do actually make me chortle (If you haven't yet, you have to read 27b/6) aloud, but as I commented on Simple Dude's post, if you still internally snicker/giggle or outwardly smile at something, how else do you relay that without sounding like a tool? I find "hehe" "haha" "just kidding" or "I found that particular comment somewhat amusing" just don't suffice. Plus, they take too long to type (yes, even hehe, it still technically contains one extra letter).

Yes, my laptop is free-standing and the lower half of my body isn't attached to the top half. Thanks for asking.

Apparently all other bloggers are large-nosed, fingerless, dread-wearing chicks who blog while in yoga chair pose.

• Even *I* know that nobody uses ROFLOLing anymore. I think. (Except one time recently when BF said one of my posts was funny and I was whiny about why he never laughed. His reply? What, do you expect me to roffloll... *snickers*. Yes, he sounded it out. On purpose. I hope think am pretty sure.)

• Is it appropriate to use emoticons? You know,  ole smiley :-) , winky ;-) , big smiley :-D , surprised guy :-O , nearly forgotten sticking-out tongue-at-you dude :-P, cheesy-assed heart <3 (that I TOTALLY use in google chat because it turns right-side up and turns RED people, it turns motherffing RED!).

• Is it appropriate to link back to your own blog with your web address, or reference a related/somewhat-related/not even remotely related post in your comments?  I do this often, as it seems we are a sharing community that way.  I will invite people to say hello, or use html to shorten that shit down.  I've even tried to work it so that if someone clicks on my link it will open in a new window (so as not to divert traffic from the blogger's site I am commenting on) but usually "new window" targets are not allowed in commenting.  I don't mind. Though I think if you leave your url at the bottom of the comment (if not referencing a particular post) that it speaks on its own to check out the site. You don't really need to finish with anything more than the web address itself.  What do you think? Cool?  Not cool?

•  These bullet points are actually really long paragraphs. Just sayin'.

• I know it's my own personal discussion board/venting outlet/creative tool, so I can do whatever I damn well please with it, but if you generally fall into a particular genre (for most of the bloggers who follow me, I would say observational humour), is it appropriate to post deep thoughts, emotional posts, serious topics?  My ”It Gets Better” post was scary and honest and true and I put it out there for all to see. And despite the number of page hits and views, despite the content, it only received 5 comments (2 were from family). On something I think everyone has an opinion on or can relate to at some level. So - is there no place for that here? Thoughts?

Curious to know your honest thoughts, though I'd like to think I will be defiant and post whatever the hell I want to.

• What other uncool stuff have people pulled on their blogs, or in your comments? What other faux pas should be avoided? I want make sure I have a semblance of what is truly appropriate with all you more experienced folks out there, and other non-bloggers who know the social media circuit and these interwebs here.

• Is it okay to have a Twitter account and only update it occasionally when you get an email that someone is following you?  I see other people's regular funny comments, and figure I am doing it wrong.  I kinda sorta totally hate Twitter.

• Is lol cool on Facebook?  Is it annoying as hell to post new blog links as my status?  I figure it is the only way some people might remember to check it out (who aren't regular blog followers or readers).  I worry it comes off spammy, but kind of don't give a shit, either.  I made a Facebook page, but only 9 people seem interested.  Hint, hint.  Just kidding. 

• Oh yeah, I will continue to express myself, of course, and stick it to "The Man" while blogging (hahahaha) <---- see that right there should be an lol, shouldn't it?  No?  I'm so confused.

Who the fuck says cheerio? Seriously.

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