I Hate You Wal-Mart

But it won't stop me from buying from you. And hating myself for it. (Maybe it's my lack of self control/restraint that I hate? Noooo, no, it must be Wal-Mart).

Why is it that I can never - I REPEAT - never ever leave you without spending a minimum of $50? I go in for spinach and laundry detergent and I leave with a cartful of shizz and I am typically $80-$120 poorer.

What's that you say? Just don't get a cart? I've tried that approach, and in the end my arms are totally overwhelmed, I am even crankier, and I ultimately have to grab a basket (that then becomes overfilled and exceptionally heavy) and balance all my crap until I give up and go to the checkout.

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I just came from there. I went in for a dog/nose collar contraption that works for Schultz. It costs $8.94. I walked out of there with two bags and a charge of $56 on my handy dandy Visa.

I even promised myself that I would ONLY BUY THE DOG LEASH. But you know what I did?

I saw a bag of chips 'anniversary sale' priced. They were the yummy, super-salty wavy ones in the red bag, with questionable vegetable oil. They were the BIG size! They were only $2.50! It was 2:00pm and I hadn't eaten since 7am! My hunger won.

I opened those bad-boys up and started eating some in the store. Sooooo not classy. If an employee saw me, they had the full and complete right to bitch-slap me right there for opening up greasy food and walking around their store. I am sure that if I had passed a mirror the sight would have been so repulsive I would have...

I digress.

I thought I wrote salty baldness for a second there.... Image Credit

 

So I meandered to the FAR BACK CORNER of the store to get the dog thing. I saw a big thing of detergent on sale. I forged ahead (But the price is so good! You didn't get a cart, dumbass and that thing is heavy! It says it is biodegradable after 90 years, that's good, right?! No - dog collar, dog collar, dog collar).

I may have weaved a path through the shoe department. Maybe, maybe not.
Of course I did.

And the funny thing? I didn't even want to look at shoes. I don't need any more shoes. At that moment (it was fleeting, no worries) I didn't even WANT shoes.

These blistery shoes turned me off shoes for, like, a week. It was that traumatizing.

I made it to the pet section. It felt like a small victory. But folks, I had to turn around and make it allll the way back to the register.

That means I had to pass:

the stationary section (I've been needing a little foldy thing for receipts in my purse so I will just scroll every single aisle here to see if something could work.... nope, but oooh! Multiple-coloured pens on clearance! That seems like fun! Pens are fun!),

the glass food storage containers (I am always seeking out the latest clearance because I am becoming more and more afraid of plastic and leaching and health concerns by the day... and yes I am crazy, thanks for asking),

coffee tables (my friend needs a new one and I thought maybe I could get her a cute little one, then I thought that she likely has nicer taste than wood laminate and that who the hell was I to try to design her living room for her because I have terrible taste and what was the rest of her decor anyway? Thus..... I moved on),

shower curtain stuff (we finally picked one out of the 82 that I purchased, but it needed a liner... so... did you know that Wal-Mart has a shitload of liners? I perused and hummed, and might have even hahhed. Then bought 3 so BF could choose which one he liked the best. I'm so sweet. Either sweet or irrationally indecisive).

And that is another post in itself.... I am a buyer-with-the-full-intent-of-returning-at-least-one-of-something-after-shopping-if-not-more (sorry ♥ Vicki ♥, please don't hate my kind.. or... well, at least me. I always keep my receipt and never open the stuff!!).

So I left with chips, 3 shower curtain liners, multi-coloured pens, something else I've forgotten, and some other random thing. For $56.

Oh yeah, and the dog collar.

______________

seriously really seriously blog

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Letters - This Needs To Be Said

EDIT: Watch out! There's swearing in the depths below, yarrr! But it's better smelling than Davey Jones' Locker! (I think).

Now I feel slightly copy-ish and cheaty, since I have seen other blogs do this. I first read many of Allie Brosh's at Hyperbole & A Half, and then some of Barb's over at Two Beans or Not Two Beans.


But I feel a burning need to do this, because I do this in my head mentally on a daily basis, and a lot of this isn't enough to make a post of, on its own. So here goes. Thank you for the idea, ladies, I hope you don't think I am a good-idea-thief.

Dear Noisy Comforter:

We bought you as a 'nice' addition to our room... to appear more grown up and coordinate with our brown and green scheme. You are fucking noisy as hell and I hate you. Washing in hot water and drying with fabric softener sheets have done nothing to muffle your incessant need to be heard whenever BF or I toss and/or turn in our sleep.

You are cloth. How the hell can you produce noises at the volume you do, betwixt two sleeping bodies? Seriously??... Reeeally?..... Seriously? You ruined my weekend sleep-in mornings and I hate you. Your expensive, noisy ass is being relegated to another room. We will happily go back to our ghetto-pilled-up-unmatchy comforter.


p.s. I am tired. Fuck you.

-S

Dear Driver Ahead of Me Who Drives Really Slow Until The Stoplight Turns Yellow, Then Guns It To Get Through The Light While Laughing at Me, Stuck At The Red Light:

Is there a congregation of you folk? Is it your life's purpose to drive around all day like this and just annoy the shit out of late people like myself who really really wanted to get through that light? Is your standard driving speed really somewhere between 35-45 km/hr? How is it that you seem to be able to consistently plant yourself in front of me on the days I am the most late for work?


You incite the most unhealthy levels of road rage in me. I want your licence revoked. Twice over. Bitch.


-S

Dear Puppy With Oversized Worm Belly, Razor Sharp Teeth, and Beloved Puppy Breath:

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

I love you. I wish I could eat you up in a vegan-appropriate way. You are so freakin' cute it hurts.


-S

Dear Fruit Flies In My Purse:

Listen, I have bad days and limited food options. I also like a good deal when I find one. If I buy local baskets of peaches (you know, to support local farmers, but mostly because they are yummy and on sale), I will undoubtedly toss one or two in my purse.


Now, fruit flies, I am also a forgetful person at times. I get this from THE MOTHER I think. When I either:

a) forget that I ALREADY placed two peaches in aforementioned purse or
b) believe I have eaten all peaches in my purse but turn out to be wrong

Please take some pity on me and do not find said peach(es) in an advanced state of decomposition in purse and feast like there is no tomorrow.


How can you even get into a sealed purse? You have skills beyond my earthly ones. (Like my impressive ability to ascertain whiplash consecutively). Please, please just stay in my purse until I make the awful discovery. Flying out, plumped up to nearly the size of a mosquito, in front of family and co-workers makes me look really gross(er). And by then, when I kill you, you actually have enough blood to splatter.

Please fruit flies. I promise to try to eat all fruit assigned to my purse. Should I slip, please just feast and remain in said purse until I can free you via purse contents emptied onto a patio table, letting you fly away happily and satisfied into the night.


-S

Dear Schultz:

Please do not head straight for people's crotches when they walk in our door [sidenote: Schultz is our dog, I am not referring to BF]. You never do this to mommy or daddy. Is it that we have uninteresting genitals? You already know us well enough? You think this is appropriate "getting to know you" behaviour with our human guests?

Criticize me? But... but MO-OM! I'm so cute... Don't make fun... *sad face*

Also, kindly refrain from enthusiastically "cleansing" both your penis and your anus for minutes on end. Especially in front of company. [sidenote: the poor boy does have something wrong with his bum, but we are scheduling him surgery and we are super-concerned.. but he has always 'enjoyed' this preening before problems arose.... I can only assume].

I know it's hard. I'm sure your flexibility and canine status make it practically expected of you, but still.


Finally - we love you very much, are worried about you, want you to be better, hope that you are happy here, but also request that you do not attempt to make contact with our faces/hands/surfaces immediately after you have "cleansed". At least get a drink of water or something. Please? I may be lying when I tell you that you have fresh breath. I just don't want to hurt your feelings, Schlutzy-pants.


-Love, Mom

Dear Winamp & All My MP3 Files:

When BF has (male, 30-45ish) poker company over and I offer to play music from my computer, please don't make me look like such a douche. I know, I know, I can make these things called "Play Lists" but I don't have itunes and shit isn't labelled properly by genre or year, making it really hard for me to scroll through ALL the songs and organize the way I should.

I promise to look into theses tech-savvy assistants to help streamline my choice of music, however until I master this, kindly cease selecting classic ditties such as:

• "Bangles - Eternal Flame"
• anything old Britney Spears
• 50s hits my father would enjoy (Pallisades Park, for example, including all other reminiscent-only downloads)
• slow/folk-y Sarah Harmer songs
• 90s house music such as "A Little Bit of Ecstasy - Remix" or "Berri - Sunshine After The Rain (Thunderpuss 2000 Mix)" (even I don't like remixes)
• anything from "The Bodyguard" soundtrack, or
• "Hot Chocolate - You Sexy Thing".

There are more, but neither BF nor myself can remember (probably because the embarrassment has forced us to block out the memories).


Also, please get in touch with all of my empty CD cases with decent music inside the house, ask them to contact the CD booklet in my car, tell them to come inside and next time we can avoid this SNAFU altogether by circumventing digital with some classic Tragically Hip or Pearl Jam CDs.


Thanks.... for nothin'!


-S

Dear Vampire Bill on True Blood:

I love it when you say Sookie. Sookie Sookie Sookie. Sookie Stackhouse.


I will miss you until Season 4.

p.s. This video is wayyyy too long, but you'll get the idea after a minute or so...


-Eagerly anticipating your return, S



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Gerard J. Butler's Grin (has been John C. Mayer'ed)

Image Credit

This post is John C. Mayer-ing Gerard J. Butler. It's all Aunt Becky's fault over at Mommy Wants Vodka.

So Gerard J. Butler is a fantabulous actor fellow who had acted in movies such as:

• How to Train Your Dragon   (I was hoping this was racy, but apparently it is children's animation. Bummer)
• The Bounty Hunter   (Totally on the library wait list for this one. I love me my Gerard J. Butler, and my Team Aniston)
• Law Abiding Citizen (Gerard J. Butler was very very angry in this one. I saw Gerard J. Butler act in this one while taking a flight to Winnipeg)
• Gamer
• The Ugly Truth
• Tales of the Black Freighter
• RocknRolla   (Also totally and completely on the library wait list for this Gerard J. Butler film)
• Nim's Island
• P.S. I Love You   (You know what Gerard J. Butler? I love you, too)
• The Butterfly
• 300   (Never did watch it - seemed to me there was a lot of blood involved)
• Beowulf & Grendel  (Nothin to do with Beyonce)
• The Game of Their Lives
• The Phantom of the Opera

IF YOU WANT TO UNDERSTAND JUST WHAT THE HECK I AM UP TO WITH THIS POST, YOU HAVE TO TALK TO AUNT BECKY HERE. IT'S ANOTHER BLOGGER'S IDEA I NEED YOU TO UNDERSTAND, SO YOU DON'T THINK THIS IS WHAT MY BLOG CONSISTS OF!!!
 
I have P.S. I Love You, featuring Gerard J. Butler, sitting right here in front of me, just begging to be watched before I return it late to the library and pay a fine, then curse myself for renting these movies complimentarily (new word?) from the public library instead of taking myself to Blockbuster and just paying the reduced one-night rental fee. Gerard J. Butler is worth it, right?

But I need freedom. One night with him might not be enough. Sometimes he needs time to breathe in his DVD case. Other times, he must be viewed and admired and sought after via DVD immediately. To look at his cute grin is always charming. Even if Gerard J. Butler was kind of a jerk in The Ugly Truth. The thing is - Gerard J. Butler dictates when I should be watching his movies or adoring his grin. I can't help it, it is up to him.

To learn more about Gerard J. Butler, you could always visit his Wikipedia page here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gerard_Butler


Being Canadian, I was quite pleased to learn that he spent the first 'few years of his life' in Montreal, Quebec (Canada for you international followers). So that makes him sort of one of us. For a few short Gerard J. Butler years.

His grin is something like this, but less furry and more endearing:

Gerard J. Butler has an adorable grin.

According to the Daily Record,
Gerard J. Butler "has also told how a childhood infection left him flashing a wonky grin. The Hollywood heart-throb was just 10 years old when he had surgery to cure crippling ear pain.

Butler revealed he still suffers ringing in his head, hearing loss and has a dodgy smile - 30 years after the op.

He said: "When I was younger, I looked like I had a stroke. Because my mind sometimes feels like it's melted down, I'd think, 'Maybe I did have a stroke.' That would sure explain a lot of things." "

How could you not love Gerard J. Butler after reading that? I know some people very close to me that have afflictions that have caused their features to alter slightly. I love them more for it. And I also love him more for it, as well.

Gerard J. Butler is great. He is talented. He was a lawyer before he was fired from his job. He was not one to be held down by 'THE MAN'. No. Gerard J. Butler instead chose to outlet his creativity and soul through the art of acting.

Gerard J. Butler is a trooper - a survivor.

I wonder if he would like my dresses? Or if he would condone my diet? If he is friends with other celebrities such as John C. Mayer or Michael Bublé?

I wonder if he does his own grocery shopping.

Gerard J. Butler rules. I think that he would enjoy this post. I am most certain that Gerard J. Butler's publicist would be happy to read my love for him. I wonder if he is married? He is such a mysterious character, he is. I don't know that I will ever really know the true Gerard J. Butler.

I have a feeling this is totally going to backfire. I love you Google.

EDIT: YAY! I figured out my error and actually made page 1!

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