Tuesday, March 15, 2011

California Doomed: Airport Stylin'

So what can only be the wisest decision for my digestive system included not only the primary and secondary gluten assaults as provided by Pizza Hut pizza (mmmmm... blech), then a wonderful dinner at Kit Kat restaurant in Toronto...

I also figured it would only be in my most sincere and heartfelt best interests to go gung ho in the Air Canada fancy schmancy pants lounge prior to our flight to LAX (Los Angeles, California, for all you non-travellers or knowers of airport coding).

I can't help it. They have ever-flowing, always re-stocked tiers of cookie plates for any and all to devour.

Oatmeal raisin anyone? What's that? Oh, there's chocolate chip as well? Well fuck me and call me Uncle Charlie Sheen, full of winning tiger blood.

Well, not really. Don't do that. Feyoncé probably wouldn't appreciate it (and hell, I have no idea where you have been, what if you are a carrier of some horrendous STD or something?)

I digress.

So yeah. I was all excited for the gluten-free chick pea/cherry tomato/spices/olive oil salad. Had two bowlfuls. One of the employees looked at me bug-eyed, in awe of my (bravery? stupidity?) for consuming such a large amount of fibrous beans in a single ten-minute sitting.

What can I say, I aim to impress.

Speaking of which, WTF. I usually travel with comfort, and ONLY COMFORT, in mind.  
Feyoncé even commented with those EXACT WORDS.

As I have mentioned previously, I particularly despise the once-over twice-over I typically get from the Air Canada Lounge staff when I accompany my guy into their superior and fantastical territory (in my pajama pants).

SO this time... THIS TIME, I actually wore somewhat fitted jeans with BOOTS over my jeans. I know, fucking crazy. Feyoncé thinks the look is ridiculous, but I did it anyway to be STYLISH.


I was totally hot like this, all shadowy and mysterious. Sort of. Jeans over boots Babies, jeans over boots.

I say that now, with swollen calves, blisters, and sweaty feet. No one gives a solitary shit about what I look like at the airport, or anywhere else, for that matter. 

But I decided, "Hey! I am going to mother-effing California, y'all! They are all wealthy and fashion-savvy, and every single woman has breast implants and no grey hair! I better step up my freakin' game!"

So yeah. Um, I don't do stylish well. Nevermind stylish + travelling + cranky + gluten-filled-bloaty.

Also? The entire time I am typing this, I am fighting the fucking moron in front of me who is attempting to push their seat back with their entire strength. It's amazing what an upright laptop, strong wrists, and perseverance can do.


I'm pretty sure the small Asian lady in front of me will only be comfortable if her seat is pushed back into our departure port of Toronto.

Okay, that's not fair. I have no idea if she is Asian.

But I do know she is one of those assholes with no concern for others' personal space.

If I ever become the I-fully-recline-my-seat-and-don't-give-a-flying-fuck types promise me that you will shoot me or send a computer virus to me stat to smack some sense into me.

Anyway, have I mentioned how much I fucking HATE flying?

My wrists are sore from sitting in crouching-passenger-hidden-carpal-tunnel form, to keep her from crushing my laptop. It's the only force from stopping me from full on claustrophobia.

The next post will let you know how much fun the transition was from friendly (not really) Pearson Airport into that shifty, terrifying area known as U.S. Customs.

*I should preface the next post with a disclaimer that I am the hugest wuss ever, especially when travelling. Like, 5 year old mentality and calm, cool, collected-ness. (Read: none).

Yes, in the end I checked, she was a 4'-0" tall Asian lady. Who apparently feels like that little car that FEELS really big inside.

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  1. Punch that bitch in the back of the head and fart on her unconscious form until you are bloated no more. Frikkin' space invader.

  2. Oh girl... don't get me going on customs and immigration hell! Can you even walk in those boots? I couldn't do it. The smaller the people - the larger the space need (i know, I'm a little people)

  3. Well, just in case it makes you feel better: jean pant legs inside boots is very stylish by French standards.

    Good luck!

    -Barb the French Bean

  4. I am with Nikki, don't even get me started with those fuckers.

  5. flying is fun if you can afford first class!

  6. i love to fly just can't afford it nor do i want the hassel

  7. when i fly i always wear whatever is closest to pajamas without actually being pajamas, plus i'm an anxious mess. PLUS i always have the seat all the way back asshole in front of me. so i totally feel that pain.
    also? i can't find boots that are small enough for me feet but big enough for my calves... so there's that too.
    hope you are de-gluten-ified and feeling better soon!!!!!

  8. see, i'd never wear boots to the airport. too much of a pain in the ass to take off at security.

    but i won't go pajama pants. i'm usually jeans and sneakers while flying.

  9. a big GOOD FOR YOU! on pushing back w/ the seat person.

  10. It could only have been more stylish AND comfortable with PajamaJeans®.


    I say you deserve a pair for the win against the little asian lady on the plane.

  11. You wore boots?? Did you have to take them off to go through the security checkpoint? I admire you for being a stylish flier. Anyone who gets to sit next to me on a plane gets to admire my yoga pants. Except I don't do yoga. Yet.

  12. I totally fly in booty shorts, flip flops and a spaghetti strap tank top. It's just less to take off when I go through security. It's also hilarious since I weigh 200 lbs.

  13. I can't believe that you'd eat at Pizza Hut. That nasty stuff bothers me and I don't have a gluten problem.

  14. Holy crap when I got back from Australia even I was afraid of customs-and I'm American!

    Officer-*happy face* "how are you today?"
    Me-*smiling* "good, thanks!"
    Officer- *shifty, narrowed eyes* "Can you come with me, ma'am?"

  15. @Vicki - Hiiiiiiiiii! Consider the farting part signed, sealed and delivered!

    @Nikki - I totally haven't worn THOSE boots yet. I am "saving" them because they are so pricey and fancy. Silly, I know. And no, I won't be able to walk in them.

    @Barb - YAY! I should have flown to France!

    @Oilfield - I hear ya, bro.

    @bruce - I only get to once in an orange moon when my guy gets upgraded and he lets me take it (together now: awwww). I liked it a lot better when Air Canada oversold economy so often.

    @becca - I hate it with a passion. HATE IT.

    @jess - Thanks, girl. I guess I need to find something between skinny jeans and pajama bottoms. MAYBE.

    @steph - You and jess are making me feel like grubby extraordinaire... FINE people, jeans next time. lol.

  16. @carmar - Thanks! I guess karma got me back a few days later.

    @Angie - Oh dear lordy goodness... I want a pair. I bet they get all stretchy and saggy in the arse after you have them on for a while. Or they've got a shit-ton of spandex and you have perma-swass. If not, I need a pair NOW.

    @Soapbox - I automatically take my footwear off. Otherwise they hassle the SHIT out of me. In Jamaica I had to walk through barefoot (disgusting.. blah). And... you'll get there with the yoga. ;-)

    @Storm Kat - I bet you rock the SHIT out of that outfit, and I think that is awesome, not funny. Good for you. I always layer because I am a wuss and get too cold or too hot. Or both.

    @George - Hush now, everyone has their vice(s), right? RIGHT? RIGHT?

    @hed - I know... If you smile they are suspect, and if you are terrified of them they are suspect. Little did I know I smuggled a rotten fruit-cup with me across the border. I'm lucky I survived to tell the tale.

  17. I just had to go back to this post and say that those boots are awesome, and remind everyone that I'm saying it AGAIN, because I said it when you bought them. I'm redundant, but it needed to be said.

  18. @Chris - I totally need to put ome kind of protectant on them, and actually WEAR THEM!

    Damn snow needs to piss off, too!

  19. Pssst....Steph.....if you move further South you'll get less of that stuff I call "White Death".

  20. @Angie - Do you mean snow? Or sugar? Or anthrax? Or all three? lol

  21. Ha! I meant Snow, but it definitely applies to Anthrax....Sugar if you're diabetic I guess ;D


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