Wednesday, March 23, 2011

California Doomed: I'm On A Boat Y'all. For 8 Effing Hours...

[EDIT: To clairfy - we WERE on the water for 8 hours due to the weather conditions... I'm not just really bad at adding 3.5 + 3.5!]

So... for our trip we decided to do something romantical-ish and touristy, so Feyoncé suggested a trip to Catalina Island, in California. We'd take a ferry from the Balboa Island/Newport Landing area, and see Catalina Island for a few hours.

My understanding was that this was a LARGE FERRY.

Cue "I'm on a boat y'all":
(Be warned - heeee-larious, but explicit, NSFW lyrics)
(p.s. Are you living under a rock if you haven't seen this before?!? Andy Samberg cracks me up)

So, yeah. (I love this song for it's ridiculouness and the voice modifier thingie, just FYI).

There was definite risk involved, as you may know I experience debilitating nausea for at least some part of my day, typically every day.

I thought that with some extra nausea medicine, a large stable-ish boat, and the distraction of adorable water creatures (you know, dolphins, whales, T-Pain, the Little Mermaid, Sebastian, Flounder, etc.) that I might make it out okay, as I typically don't experience sea-sickness (ironic, in a way).

Ariel & crew. I assumed we would probably spot them while   whale watching   dolphin watching   looking at the water inevitably not see them because we are curled up in the fetal position on a metal bench trying to desperately retain body heat.

The description on the website is as follows:

3.5 hours on a boat y'all. One way. To Catalina Island. *crickets*.   Inside tourist tip: The sundeck is only sunny if the sun is out.

But I only briefly looked at it. I thought Feyoncé said 2 to 2.5 hours each way. I totally wasn't paying attention, because he did indeed tell me 3.5 hours. It's right there on the website. I think I got it mixed up in my head with a different speedboat option that was shorter. Who the fuck hell knows with me, anyhow.

Well, along with Oilfield Trash's 10% rule, anyone who knows me knows that randomly odd/weird/bad/awkward shit happens to me all the time.

This place keeps count of how many dolphins and whales are spotted on the tour. The board had big claims for the previous days:

Me and my motherffing shitty luck.... Hmm, no dolphin count for our Catalina Island  nightmare "journey".

Yay! I thought. The sun is out! I smiled. "It's turned out to be a gorgeous day!" I told Feyoncé.

This all held true. For approximately 20 minutes.

Oh HAI dock! Lovely day! Surely the clouds will burn off like they always do, says Feyoncé! Yay! Um... clouds? CLOUDS?

Then it turned cold. The sun disappeared. The 20° C weather dropped. The wind picked-up as the boat chugged along. At a snail's pace. To allow us to see the dolphins and whales.

I had bare feet and flats on. I lost feeling in my toes. I had on a t-shirt, a wool sweater, a wool cardigan, and a gore-tex windbreaker with a hood. I was still cold.

Oh wait! A dolphin! Yay! Look guys! Here is the best photo I got of ALL of the hundreds  thousands  dozens  tens   8 dolphins we spotted!

The best part?

I captured the whale we got to see in the same shot!

This was actually really awesome...

Please don't steal and re-use this photo, I know it is neat, but it is mine.


Here goes.


You may or may not notice that there are no dolphins on this Catalina Boat Tour photo. I have also included all of the zero whales we saw. Gorgeous, yes?


But, I did get this:

And that summarizes what turned out to be 8 HOURS ON A MOTHER-EFFING BOAT Y'ALL.

We were so cold on the way back that I was literally curled into a human-turtle on the metal seat I had (backless, of course). My guy did his best to try to shield the wind and help me keep warm. He even gave me his socks on the way back, so my feet wouldn't be as icy.

The dock and Express boat at Catalina Island.

Interesting aside - I didn't feel great throughout (that's standard for me), but once I went into the enclosed bathroom area, it was like total vertigo. I was so violently nauseous and ill I had to keep staring at the skyline, and I couldn't let anything touch me or I knew I would start intensely heaving.

Pretty water... once feet were firmly planted on Catalina Island.

On the plus side:

  • Got to spend time with my guy
  • The water looked pretty, once we were firmly on land.
  • The boat left late, leaving us with just over an hour to see Catalina Island. (p.s. There is nothing to see there, and the restaurant smells like a bouquet of mould).
  • One spot on the hill did have a lovely view.
  • It made for a... story, I suppose.
  • The sun was mostly out for the time on the island, and part of the boat ride. (A small, cold part).
  • Neither of us puked.
  • Neither of us had to stand the entire time like some people did (there aren't enough seats on the boat).
  • I had a Charleston Chew chocolate/candy bar and a banana for lunch so I wouldn't puke anything heavy. The cashier at the local store at the beach had no idea what I was asking her until I stopped saying "chocolate bar" and corrected myself to say "candy bar".

Catalina Island boat ride from hell?

So, don't go to Catalina Island, man.

They claim to have seen hundreds and thousands of dolphins and a few whales almost every other voyage.  They gave us a free 2.5 hour whale watching card once we docked. Safe to say I will not be redeeming that.


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  1. Went to Catalina Island once on one of those 3-4 day cruises. Absolutely NOTHING to do there.

    It is way lame.

    I love whale watching! But also I don't get sea sick. So there's that.

  2. I love how you mentioned my 10% theory. lol

    Sorry you wasted 8 hours of your life to see just 2 blips of a dolphins ass. But look on the bright side, at least you can say that you have been.

  3. @Haven - I would probably love whale watching, too, if I were to actually SEE a dolphin. lol. Yeah, maybe it's where we docked, or just me, but Catalina Island sucked.

    @Oilfield - I relate to your 10% theory immensely. And thanks for actually watching my stunning video! lol.

  4. what a lovely day and a beautiful photo

  5. Must say now that I won't be planning any trips to Catalina Island. Perhaps you should send this post to the CA anti-tourism board cause you sunk that tour boat in a matter of minutes. Sorry the trip sucked my dear. Hugs!

  6. this post just confirms that i will never waste my time/ money/ sweaters/ vomit on a trip to catalina.

  7. I hate boats. And I grew up on an island.

    PS- Are you still not able to comment on my blog?

  8. Sounds like a...great trip? I suppose, if you wanted to look at it this way, you didn't get stranded on an island after your 3-ish hour tour...

    On an unrelated note, I've left you an award at my place. Feel free to stop by and claim it!

  9. "Oh HAI dock" - LOLZ

    Andy Samberg cracks me up, too. Holy sh** I just Wikipedia-ed him, he's older than me!

  10. @becca - I truly hope that is sarcasm, or else you may not have read the actual post in which I talk about how AWFUL the day was!

    @The Empress - Hmmm... interesting, this "anti-tourism" board. Hopefully anyone who searches for Catalina Island Whale Watching tours will find this little gem of a post!

    @You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... - Indeed. Save your vomit for something better. Also? Never got to check out that great restaurant. Sampled various IV fluids instead.

    @Storm. Kat Storm - Yup, the comments link is visible again now. I liked boats because of T-Pain, but not anymore.

    @A Redhead Named Sam - First off, I have had Gilligan's Island music in my head all day long. ;-)

    And an award? For me? Really? I just posted about non-whales! lol.

  11. I'm sorry you didn't get to see more-- I know what's it's like to be on a long tour like that with nothing to see! I'm glad you made a list of the positives, though :)

  12. I've never been, and I don't know if I would be down for a 7 hour boat trip...

    You poor thing!


  13. I would have been sooooo sick. You are brave in my book for even attempting it.

  14. i'm on a boat motherfucker and don't you forget it!

    totally stealing those photos.

    when we take our whole piece and puissinart to jamaica, we'll live on a boat so there won't be any nausea.

  15. @Chris - I let a little LOLspeak out there. Thanks for catching it. ;-) And how old is Andy?

    @theTsaritsa - Thanks for stopping by. My nature is that I am much better at making the list of negatives, but there were SOME good parts.

    @hed - It really did end up being 8 hours on the water because of the conditions. The 7 hours was a LIE!

    @Tom G. - Well, look how that bravery panned out... so, the moral of the story - don't try new things. Ha!

    @pattypunker - I hear Sears is having a sale on Puissinarts... good timing, too. And I am not totally sold on the living on a boat. Only if it's a motherfucking boat with T-Pain. HA!

  16. First: I had never heard of this "Andy Samberg" and that was AWESOME....I will be watching more!
    Second: I'm actually surprised they didn't "conveniently" have sweaters, caps, and little hand warmers for their customers to purchase.
    Third: Thousands of Common Dolphins on every other day but not on yours....WTH? I am highly suspicious.....
    Fourth: I'm glad you made it through :)

  17. Andy was born in 1978. Whodathunkit.

  18. @Angie - He's FAAAAABULOUS. "Mother Lover" and "Dick in a Box" with Justin Timberlake are also hilarious. Make sure to check those ones out. Any Samberg is da shizz.

    They had overpriced coffee and hot chocolate on the boat. That was it. And the store on Catalina Island had lots of Dramamine (Gravol).

    I know, garbage in terms of the dolphins. And thanks, I'm glad I made it, too!

    @Chris - Thanks for feeding my laziness to google Andy Samberg's birthdate. And you are just a youngen! (Like me!)


I get far too excited when new comments come in here...