Monday, March 21, 2011

California Doomed: Horrors Behind Closed Doors?

Continued below (warning: I change tenses a bit, deal with my inconsistency accordingly):

So, as in my last post, I had recently, sweatily (What, so what if it isn't a word, I just made it one!) got through airport security, U.S. Customs, and I am alone.

In some countries like Cuba, you get screamed/shouted at if you don't continue moving after you pass through their security or customs area. So I try to walk really slowly around the edge of security.

I don't know if I will be yelled at or forced to move on.

I see the sign for the fancy schmancy Air Canada Maple Leaf Lounge to my right, but realize I have no access without Feyoncé.


I am standing alone, without a watch, without a clue as to where he is or how long he will be.

So I put on my big girl pants and wait. 5 minutes. It feels like a long time. Until I still see nothing for the next 3 minutes... 5 more..

5 more...

and 5 more.

I finally approach someone official-looking and ask if Feyoncé will end up in the same place as me once he is done his "random check". The gentlemen assures me that if my guy is travelling to the U.S. that he will, indeed, have to come through the same security area.

He offers that I go to the lounge to wait for him. Or try calling him.

(While it would have been a helpful addition to this post to add photographs of all of the NO CELL PHONE signs posted throughout the security area, I feel that whipping out my cell or camera to document said signs probably wouldn't have gone over very well).

SO THANKS, official-looking-guy. Pretty sure I can't call him, and sure as hell HE CAN'T answer his own phone if he is in interrogation/being searched rectally.

So after twenty minutes have passed, I can feel whatever semblance of big-girl-pant-ed-ness I had crumbling under the weight of the terror that I will never see Feyoncé again/I will miss the flight/ I will die just beyond the border of the security area.

I mean, totally rational, right? Probably the most likely area to die. Or not.

So I start CRYING people.

CRYING at the motherfucking airport, at 31 years of age.

Crying at the airport.... Who? ME?? Nooooo.

After 35 minutes of anxiety and confusion, I finally see him making his way through the hundreds of feet of security aisle.

I cannot express the relief I felt.

I can see, too, that he is at least happy to communicate to me that although he has been violated in ways no man should ever (nor will ever) discuss publicly, that he knows that I NOW KNOW that he is alive and will be coming with me.

We head to the lounge together, STAT, because I need a mother-effing drink more than you can say "overreact".

SO... turns out there was a long line-up in the random screening section. That was it.

Yup, just a line-up. And a friendly search person who apologized for the delay to him. And some questions about pocket contents.


Also? I think that the Air Canada Maple Leaf Lounge at Pearson Airport waters down their liquor because I downed two triple vodka and iced teas in about 15 minutes and didn't feel it.

So that was the start to my first (and only?) trip to California.

Calm, cool, and collected.

Good thing I brought my big girl pants, eh?

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  1. Well it is good to know that he was not anally probed err I mean searched.

    And you are Canadian which means regardless of how much booze is in said drink, you don't feel it. lol

  2. LOL Sorry for the trauma, but at least it makes a good story! : )
    One does have to wonder, tho - why would you continue to randomly select ppl if you have a LINE? I mean, really now. Get a faster checking person, or skip a couple random ppl. What if someone missed their flight and they got to the airport 2 hours ahead of time & everything?


  3. U.S. Customs has been vigilant about Canadian terrorists ever since Bryan Adams. I'm proud to know my tax payer dollars are being well spent.

    PS- Next time just carry a dozen Tim Hortons in your carryon for the agents and you'l breeze right through.

  4. I would have shat my big girl pants (how's that for tenses? ;))

    Vodka and I don't get along very well. Last Thanksgiving = case in point. Sticking to tequila and gin from now on.

    Waiting for the rest of the story...

  5. feyonce! very clever. i have melt downs all the fucking time. the place never seems to factor in. just more evidence of my lack of stability, maturity and judgement.

  6. well at least you got a good post out of it.hugs

  7. Oh man, I would have worn a path into the carpet from pacing back and forth, waiting! Flying is such a hassle now. Hate it.

  8. That must have been the longest 35 minutes of your life to date. Thank goodness the situation turned out okay for both of you in the end as I imagine anal probing would not make for the good start of any trip.

    PS: I'm in a blogging tournament over at Thank Q for Common Sense and would very much appreciate your vote. There is a tournament link on my blog. Thanks!

  9. That's fine welcome to the US.

  10. They just wanted to prepare you for the scariness that is to come in California. I hope you kept your big girl pants on there though. They can smell weakness! :)

  11. Hey Stephanie,
    After my ridiculous rambling on the other instalment of your posting, I shall, mercifully, leave this comment, short. Nothing like a pair of big girl's pants eh.
    And in the words of those great Canadian legends, Bob and Doug McKenzie, 'take of eh, you hoser!'

  12. You are a riot kiddo!!!!
    Another hilarious blog...all at your
    You're too cute!

  13. @Oilfield - I like the way you think, sir.

    @carmar76 - I totally don't understand how it all works, especially if you are a "pre-approved" low-risk, safe, squeaky clean Nexus traveller. Oh well, what can we do?

    @Tom G. - Look at you, throwing all of those cop/donut/Canadian references altogether. If I didn't know any better, I'd think you had dual citizenship my friend!

    @Chris - My pants were moments away from a similar fate. This is kind of the story. One more installment, unless you guys want more hospital details.

    @pattypunker - Know that you are not alone!

  14. @becca - Always good to see the silver lining.

    @Soapbox - I didn't want to look nervous or pace - figured security would be even more suspicious of me and my tears then.

    @Empress - Longest.35.minutes.ever is right. And I did vote!! Just didn't comment. :-)

    @George - Thanks, never felt more welcome. lol.

    @Yandie - Oilfield is obviously a very smart man!

    @Krissy - Guess you didn't see my death post. Let's just say the rest of the trip got worse.

    @klahanie - I appreciate your comments! I have just been sucking at replying as of late. HOSERS indeed, eh.

    @BettyBo - This was supposed to be serious, integrity-driven hard-core journalism. WTH?!? lol

  15. I dont blame you for freaking out, traveling is stressful when things go the way you planned (never), so I can only imagine something like that happening. I hate flying! It makes me insane. I would have been crying too! HARD! With snot! SNOT EVERYWHERE!!!

  16. This is why I have to be at least 3 drinks in before I even LEAVE for the airport... the entire process terrifies me and I'm just SURE I look like a terrorist.

  17. I sooooooo understand the trying the big girl pants on and then ending up with tears and sniffles and looking all splotchy so then every damn stranger either stares rudely and doesn't ask if you need help, or pretends you don't exist. I am happy to know Feyoncé is fine, and I always knew you couldn't trust those Canadians and liquor. The whole prohibition thing ingrained it into them to dilute alcohol. Just sayin.


I get far too excited when new comments come in here...